Category: Conversation

KATIE; a singer/songwriter;

“I don’t know where I want to end up but I know what I want to achieve.”

I have been waiting for this moment where I get to explore Katie’s love for songwriting and creating music. The skill set she has will undoubtedly be inspirational for so many others and it’s a joy to share this with the world (for free, too!). Katie talks us though her clean mind, her love of lists, how she came to write songs and why she wants a build a studio in her back garden.

This is Katie’s, very fitting, middle eight and she allowed us to a shine a light on her passion.

Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.

What does a regular day in Katie’s mind look like?

In my mind?! Oooh! If I’m being super honest, there would be lots of side servings of guilt, intermittently showing up for no reason: constantly thinking I have wronged someone or I haven’t done enough. But other than that, in mind I like things clean. I am constantly walking past things that need to be dusted or scrubbed or there are cracks in the wall that I need to paint over. This is the mundane stuff that happens in my head. I am a clean freak these days but primarily, I always feel grateful. I honestly wake up most days and think “how?!” – I feel like I am ‘punching above’ with my whole life: my house, my job, my friendships, my hot husband. I think “how did I end up here? I don’t remember but it’s amazing”. I feel super grateful in my mind. That is quite a large narrative that makes me the way I am with joy and positivity. It’s because you can’t help it because you are so grateful… it exudes all the time! I am quite an extrovert and I want to connect with people all the time: I am on my phone a lot, sending voice notes and funny messages or organising calls in the evening. Most of what I do in my mind during the day is making sure I stay up to date with people’s lives. That makes me feel connected, alive and loved. 

What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?

I am quite an outward facing person so I gain energy from other people. Relationships are a big thing in my life. I like feeling close with people and updated on their lives. I like knowing what to ask them the next time I see them. It makes people feel really valued and loved. I hold relationships very highly, definitely. Sometimes that equals people pleasing for me so I have to watch that. The guilt I spoke about comes from people pleasing. It’s an insatiable monster that makes you think you need to give out more than you can and you end up thinking you are never in the right with people. That is a stupid aspect of my brain that I would like to get better at. But in terms of love? What a strange notion. My notion of love in itself has morphed again since being married and the daily choices that entails. Seeing everything of another person and loving all of the good and bad bits. Learning to love someone “as is” and loving yourself “as is” and accepting that but not trying to change each other. Also, going out of your way to do something you don’t like because the other person you love likes it is hard but you do it. The notion of love is changing from being someone else to being an active participant in this life together. 

What aspect of friendship do you value the most?

I have some friendships which I would see as more one way rather than two way. This is very honest! What I am trying to say is, because I am such a people person and that is my happy place, I sometimes attract people who just want to chat with me rather than we both chat together. The thing I value most in a friendship is that people want to know about me. It’s the asking of the questions. Just “how has your day been?”. Something as simple as that! The conversation isn’t just going one way. Someone wanting to know about me. Even this conversation, even if it’s for a blog, I am loving it because it feels like you are taking interest [Ed: “Oh, I am.”]. It doesn’t matter where that asking questions take place: in a park, at a meal, on your sofa with a glass of red, I don’t care how much has been spent or where we are or the effort made but it’s in the asking of the questions that I feel most valued. Reciprocity! It’s the exchange, the tit for tat. Being on the same page and feeling equal. 

What do you do to make a positive impact on the world/others around you?

It’s an odd thing to think about what you’re good at but it’s good to acknowledge it. I think I am good at looking after people. It’s one of my favourite things to host people and cook for them. I have had it spoken over me that I would be a mother to many. This was in a Christian setting but, hypothetically speaking, I would have a lot of people coming to me to chill and be looked after. I feel alive when looking after others. Also, I am quite scared of saying stuff to people and coming across as a knowitall. For most of my friendships, when they come to me and are struggling, I will always be like “why don’t you talk to them?”. I will always have something I want to share: wisdom or a tidbit. There are lots of younger girls who want to talk to me about the music industry and I can tell them what I think. They appreciate that and recognise I might be a step ahead of them in the journey. I enjoy imparting wisdom in that way because it’s a pleasure for me to help people. Although, I do want to be careful that I am not judgemental, assumptious or bossy. I know I can be those things sometimes. Sometimes it’s easier for the person outside to see compared to the person inside. I am always fearful of being those three things, though. 

What do you do to stay motivated?

Lists! They are all around my house. Books and books of lists. The thing that has made me thrive in all areas (managing a bar, being a songwriter, being involved in church stuff) is my organisational skills. The reason I have excelled at the things that I have been pushed into derives from me writing things down and I then I can’t not do it. I guilt trip myself into thinking it’s staring at me from the paper until I do it. I have a list of house jobs on my phone that I need to do – and I don’t need that list! – and that could be slightly on the neurotic side but it keeps me motivated. 

What was your deciding factor to pursue songwriting?

There was a pivotal moment that I can tell you. I started writing songs at 13/14 on a rubbish Yamaha keyboard: it was more like jingles. I could hear melodies in my head but couldn’t play the piano and I didn’t want to write with anyone else because I was too embarrassed about my music (which was pretty much nursery rhymes). I have sang my whole life and I know I’m an alright singer but I thought it could never be a career. I went to NGM [New Generation Music] to study singing and street dance… Yes, that was me! At one point, there was a charity night and Ray Goudie, who was the leader who has now passed away unfortunately, he was encouraging us to go onto stage and say something that we wanted. He wanted us to be vulnerable. I was 18, really young and annoying, and I said “I want to write more songs”. Ray took the microphone off of me and said “as of this moment, I am taking you out of dance and putting you into a songwriting room. When they are dancing, you are writing songs”. From that point on, I was in a room by myself, songwriting. That was the first time I realised someone thought I was good enough to do that as a job. Over the years I identified what my writing style was and felt more confident in the ideas I was bringing. I became an artist myself and then started writing for other people. And today, I am a fully fledged songwriter. The moment I said it out loud was pivotal and Ray made that decision for me and pushed me. But it worked. Cheers Ray! 

How does writing songs link to your personal life? And how does it affect your sense of accomplishment day to day?

Great question! Say the first half again. [laughs]. It is everything. Especially during COVID, I am self employed. I can write from the comfort of my own home which is amazing. Not many creators are like this but I love being my own boss. I get to organise all of my own time and schedule every week. My profession means my personal life is super chilled. It’s not work vs play because work is my dream job. I don’t have this “9 to 5” mentality. For me, I know I work harder in the week so then my weekends are chilled. I do tend to keep the weekend and week separate. The upside is you can say yes to the workload you have capacity for and you get paid for something you love. The downside is that you feel you should always be working. People email me all the time. I work with people in LA who are on an opposite time and I sometimes feel I have to respond to that straight away. Sometimes it is a lonely profession too. You have to find everything within yourself because, if it doesn’t come from you, it’s not going to happen. This sense of accomplishment thing is hard. In my logical, rational brain, I would say I have done over and above what I thought I would do. If I list my achievements out loud, I am like “never in a million years would that happen.” However, because the music industry is as it is, it makes you think you can always get bigger and better, and there is such a focus on statistics and likes, you constantly want to better your numbers and you are encouraged to do that. You have to keep beating your records. The only problem is you will never realise when you reach the top of the mountain. You don’t stand there and celebrate the big things: you are told to think your next video could get 2 million views next time and that robs your small celebratory moments from me and that’s not right. 

What is your end goal in terms of your professional life?

I don’t know where I want to end up but I know what I want to achieve. I want to tour in China which could happen by the end of this year. I want to work with more younger female artists on a body of work: on an album and be their emotional support and songwriter. I would like, at some point, to transition to A&R label and manager side. I have seen so much of this side and I want to take that knowledge and wisdom and, by using my organisational skills, it would be a fun way to go. I do worry it would make super bitter [laughs] to see the reality of behind closed doors. Also, one of the bigger goals, I would love to own a studio with Robbie or build one in our back garden and people would come to us to record their album. Robbie would produce and I would songwrite and we could host along the way. It encompasses everything we are good at: hosting, writing, producing, organising, cooking, family time. That would be the dream for later on in life. 

Katie’s final questions will go live on Sunday.

You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.

KATIE; confident;

“I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again.”

I had the honour and privilege of talking to one of my favourite people ever, Katie, a few weeks ago. Our friendship is far more than skin deep and we discuss these things quite frequently and openly so it means a lot that Katie would let me share her story so publicly. We delved straight into her marriage, her relationship with God and what she has taken from a lockdown of songwriting.

These first 8 questions are the merely the beginnings of a much bigger conversation.

Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.

Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds. 

My name is Kat, Katie Sky, Kitty, Kit-Kat, Aunt Kathy! I have many names and guises but they all stem from my real name Catherine. I was born in Greenfield in Oldham, up north. I have lived in Bristol for 14 years and am not going to move any time soon. I am a singer and songwriter full time -professional! I love writing songs: it’s the reason I am alive and I am addicted to it and I will continue to do so until I am not cool enough anymore. I like reading books, I love cooking, I am still trying to be a runner as everyone is in lockdown. I love travelling to other countries, understanding different cultures and learning about different people. I am a Christian and a lover of Jesus. That’s it…. This is way more than 30 seconds isn’t it? [Ed: “yes, it certainly is Kitty”]. 

What has your experience with COVID been like?

In general, I feel super lucky that I managed to get married just before COVID hit and I moved in with my husband so I haven’t had to be by myself. I am an extrovert and wouldn’t have been able to cope with that. I have had Robbie [husband] to weather this storm with. We have had lots of bonding in our first year of marriage and that’s been amazing. Music has really stepped up for me over the last year too. So many people have been struggling financially and questioning their career choices because society has literally stopped but that has not happened for me or Robbie. It’s been coming in: lots of paid music jobs. I had a lot of releases last year. I think 17? Last year, during the peak of COVID, music was saving me. It will always save me but, financially through COVID, it has saved me. The downsides of it is missing family and friends. The thing which has upset me the most has been not seeing my 1 year old niece and nearly 2 year old nephew who are growing so much and changing and I haven’t been there for any of it. That has been the same for everyone around the country but that has been my biggest struggle: not seeing those two little squidgies! I am hearing “now they can stand up, now they can walk, now they can say your name” and I want to see those stages but I feel I have missed out. It’s scary because you feel like you will never get that time back. 

Reflect on your mental and physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well every day?

This is interesting because I have taken up a few more recently. Something I have done every day for the last month and a half is flossing my teeth! I wanted to get better at it because I want Invisalign. My dentist literally said to me “if you do not floss every day for the next three months until I next see you, I won’t give you Invisalign.”. That ultimatum really works for me. 
In terms of other mental health attitudes, I like listening to good music every day and having a dance around my house. People put things on social media saying that dancing is a physical way to put yourself in a positive state of mind. A little dance will cheer me up! The other thing I do a lot in my mind is pray. I always want to become a better version of myself and a part of Christianity is wanting to deal with and be self aware of the things we are not good at and the things we are really good at. You acknowledge the two and their differences and then focus on how to influence the people around you for good.

Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?

Yes. I was thinking the other day – if you go onto someone’s Whatsapp, isn’t it telling how many groups you are part of? I’ve got hundreds! Not sure if that’s a good thing or a burden. But I can see the amount of amazing people I could text to say “I need you” and they would come running. I am stupidly grateful for that. My friends are all different people – from all walks of life – but there is always common ground no matter what friendship it is. As well as having two best friend big sisters, I have obviously got a super fit husband who is also my best friend. He will listen to me talk even if he doesn’t understand me. There is so much support from him. Then a plethora of friendship groups who would do anything for me too. As I am saying it now, it’s crazy how many people I have in my life who I love. 

What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?

I’m the youngest of three: I have two older sisters. We are textbook “eldest, middle and youngest child”. The older I have got and have studied these “syndromes” and characteristics they are, the more I realise we are textbook. Even now, I am seen as the baby and my parents are like “oh well done!” if I do anything. Parents can never switch off – they are going to be my parents for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter that I am old enough and ugly enough to look after myself. They will always ring and say “have you drunk enough water?”. That is something that will always make me laugh: that I will always be the youngest to them in a good way. Having two older sisters has been amazing. They are so wise and they have gone through everything first. They got married before me; they had kids before me; they moved home before me. It might have been different it they were brothers but to be the same sex as your older siblings, and to have such incredible examples to follow through life, [is amazing]. We all have very different personalities but there is still that thing where I look back and realise I was using them as the example of the right things to do because they did it first, before me. It’s amazing to have two older sisters that I love and respect as much as then. Then Mum and Dad – flipping heck! I am so grateful that they are still together and that is such a rarity. They have been an incredible example of what marriage is and what love looks like. They were the type of parents who let us try anything we wanted to do. I did violin for 7 years when I was younger and I got up one day like “I don’t want to do that anymore” and they said “yeah that’s fine, you’ve tried it!”. Then I wanted to be a goth and Mum let me buy spiky goth chokers and that was fine. Then I wanted to be a majorette and they loved that too. Looking back, I am so thankful. They were quite strict as parents: we had lots of rules in terms of boyfriends and chores. But now I see that is the reason why my work ethic is as strong as it is because they made me work for it. I worked in a fish and chip shop at 16. It looked strict at the time but they were trying to bring these characteristics out into the forefront and it’s worked. I am still super close with Mum and Dad – they call me every other day. I am still super close with both of my sisters in my life. I go straight to them for any wisdom. 

Where do you find your daily inspiration?

It depends what you mean! If it’s inspiration for songs, it could be anything. I am reading a book at the moment that is inspiring. I could be watching an episode of Fleabag on Amazon Prime and think “yes feminism! I want to write a song about this”. It could be a conversation I’ve had with a friend when they are struggling with mental health and I can write it from their perspective and tell their story. It could be literally anything. Listening to other people’s music does it too.
If you are talking about inspiration in life, that is anything too! I am currently writing this week’s food shop and I am on BBC GoodFood and am excited about everything I can cook. I get very inspired by food because I am a foodie. Also going for walks and being around nature especially during lockdown. Seeing all the buds on the trees, and noticing this shift to Spring and things getting ready to burst forth, is very inspiring. I’ve got plants in the garden which are about to get there. There is a lemon tree in my back garden and the lemons are slowly going yellow and that is inspiring me too. 

What do you do for a living? Is it your passion?

I am a full time, professional singer and songwriter. It’s the reason I am alive. 

What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?

I think they’ll probably say “wow, she’s loud! Okay, this lady has a lot of confidence.” Or that I am super friendly. Maybe too friendly? I would say loud and friendly. It used to be my hair because it was blue and strangers would be like “oh I love your hair!”. Other than that, they might say something about what I am wearing because I like big, bold patterns. 

What do you think is the biggest hardship that you’ve faced in your life so far?

I’m not sure if I would call it a hardship but the worst thing that I have experienced is a relationship I was in nearly ten years ago. I was engaged to a guy and it was the first time in my life where I lost my sense of self. I forgot who I was in this other person. I think that happens more than we would like to admit. I am quite a naive person but I have a thicker skin now because of things like this. Back in the day, I was naive and super friendly and that characteristic, put in contact with someone who would use that against you, was a bad combination. That’s what that relationship was unfortunately. Definitely at the time I hated it but, looking back, I wouldn’t take it back because I understand now I had to go through that to understand who I am and who I am supposed to be. I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again but I wouldn’t know that now without that. It was an emotionally manipulative and sometimes physically abusive relationship whereby I was pretty much marrying this man: I had a dress and a date. It got very very bad and went into self-destruct mode and took me a while to figure out how bad it was. I managed to get myself out of the situation and never looked back. Thank the Lord for that. Losing who I was for the benefit of someone else is the hardest thing I have faced. That’s not what love is but I know that now. 

Katie’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.

You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.

MORE LIKE STU;

After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.

I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.

Dear Stu,

It means the world to me that you would open up so honestly about the challenges you have faced in your life and then let them be shared for the world to see. I truly believe that the things you have spoken about have helped people already and that can only continue with more of these conversations.

As I said before, I have never really had a chance to connect with you on this level until now and this whole conversation felt genuine, respected and important: like reciprocal therapy. We both see things through a queer lens (well, moreso than the heterosexuals we are friends with) but your perspective is so strong and sure of itself – like you. I know you struggle with your confidence but, when listening to you discuss your passions and life, it’s clear that you want to be seen and heard and you definitely are. The way you support, encourage, empower and celebrate our community is nothing short of inspirational and I am learning to use my voice more to be heard. That is something you have taught me so thank you.

You have an unapologetic love for people and things which are important to you and you are not afraid to show your interest and support through any medium. From hearing about your history with your dad and your sexuality, it would be so easy to hold on to so much shame in your adult life but you have this sense of shamelessness (in the very best way) which allows people in. Your interests and intentions are clear, you wear your heart on your sleeve and you want to challenge others around you to better understand you and themselves. That takes real bravery and resilience, things you are well equipped with. You have turned these negative experiences into positive traits and that is something hard to teach but I am learning, alongside you.

Punka is a concrete legacy you will leave behind: not least the actual nights you have organised but the community that comes attached to it. You have made a safe space for us queer weirdos (queerdos?) and I only hope that one day you will recognise the importance of that. I wholeheartedly understand this imposter syndrome that you struggle with, I think we all do, but I like to think to that after reading through these interviews, you will see just how humble, gracious, loved and important you are. My respect for you continues to grow every day, especially after you let me into these nooks and crannies of your life.

We will continue to solider through this weird life together: as queer people, as lovers of Italian men and as friends.

You, of all people, know what it means to be; Stu.

All my love, always,

Mitch
xo

STU; resilient;

“Whatever makes you different can be your superpower.”

In these final eight questions, Stu and I discussed the other parts of him: from fears to aspirations; outlooks to the meaning of his life. Stu never held back with anything and laid his cards bare on the table which made for some incredible answers.

It’s been a joy to talk to Stu like this and I hope you have all taken something from it.

Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.

What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent this from taking over? 

My biggest fear is loneliness. Being an only child, weirdly I am one of those people who doesn’t like their own company. I do stupid shit when I am on my own because my brain does a wobble. To end up being really lonely would be a nightmare. That is a fear of mine. My friends tell me to do things on my own (which I have done but they’re rubbish) because I do like to have people around me all the time – maybe in a co-dependant way but hopefully not. When I used to live on my own I found that really difficult. I prevent that by hitting people up to make plans but the older you get you realise that people don’t want to meet up in the week because of work. God forbid they get to bed after 10pm! Then the weekend comes and people want to chill out because they’ve had a tough week. You can end up scrambling for things to do or people to meet up with. Luckily enough, I live with Alessio so I always have company and I also have this dickhead [cat]. I didn’t have siblings to play with growing up and it did make me jealous of people who had that. Whenever I had friends round, I was always the person that said “Stay for tea! Play another game! A few more hours!” because I didn’t want to be on my own by the end of the evening.

 What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it? 

Not a lot. I’ve always wanted to do a YouTube channel and now I’ve started it. I’ve always wanted to draw or make a comic book but never got around to it because of the confidence thing. “There are better artists out there. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you putting pen to paper when people can do this better than you?” That instantly stops me doing things. The thing that is stopping me is literally my brain. I need to start drawing for fun again. Just doodle. I can always think of other things to do instead though. Last year, I wanted to do a drawing of each drag artist I know. I started with Ruby [Rawbone] and never did another. I had the wrong paper so bought a new pad but never started again. I used the paper to make little notes to send to people instead! 

 What type of outlook on life do you have? Are you naturally positive? Where do you think that comes from? 

I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on life and that comes from the depressive side of my brain. That’s the most honest answer you’ll get from me. Part of my brain tries to say it’s realistic. I try to look for the best in people and think the best about them but in situations to do with me, I am always pessimistic. A pessimist is never disappointed as they say. 

 What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from it?

I can whittle this down to two things.
From an early age, I have always read comics. I understood myself more when I started to read X-Men comics. The X-Men are an allegory for minorities, as we know. I was growing up and not understanding anything about my sexuality (because it was the 80s and 90s with Section 28) in a small town, you just hear and see things on TV and know that whatever you are is “wrong”. This is a comic I was reading where people were born different and they used that to celebrate themselves and help people. I was always reading Batman, Iron Man, Catwoman and they all wore masks. None of the X-Men did that except Wolverine. These people were out and proud. They had codenames but used their real names too. They were superheroes that didn’t mind seeing being seen and were proud to be different. Even Nightcrawler who had blue skin and looked like a monster! Everyone was afraid of him but he was really nice and religious… and didn’t wear a mask. He let people see him. Given that, I hid in the closet for so many years and I probably shouldn’t have. I still read that comic. It’s nice that that was being seen and they were in the public eye. It gave me an outlook of a) don’t judge a book by it’s cover and b) whatever makes you different can be your superpower.
Second thing is obviously Garbage [band]. My mum always said she was worried I wouldn’t get into music because I was so into art and comics. She thought videogames would be my thing but she loves music. When I hit my teens, all I wanted to do was listen to music I went from pop to rave and everything that was around in the 90s: the weird hip-hop swing grunge. I latched onto that. I was the only one that gave a shit about NME, Melody Maker, Kerrang. Other people cared about what the Spice Girls were up to. In the 90s, indie rock was given the biggest platform it has ever been given. Female fronted bands had a massive surge in that time. It was huge – even that was in Smash Hits and on Top of the Pops. I enjoyed that part of it. These rebellious women were there and my brain instantly saw them as a woman in a man’s world doing something which men usually do [play rock music]. They were front and centre. They felt like me: not fitting in but not minding and doing my own thing, For some reason, Garbage came along. I heard “Vow” on the Evening Sessions and I remember having this massive stereo and the song started and, as soon as it kicked in and I listened to the lyrics, it kind of floored me. I sat on my ass to listen to the song. A few weeks later, they turned up on TV and from that moment there was something about it. These weird samples and hip-hop beats but it was rock and heavy and didn’t sound like BritPop. I saw the band and she was so striking. So beautiful but not conventionally so. The rest of the band looked like weird old men. I responded to that because they were freaks. I liked it. I saw an interview with Shirley and she was so forthright and very outspoken. Then that was it. I thought “this is what I’m into”.

 What song should we listen to whilst reading about you? 

Something by Garbage. I dunno though. I’d say either “Queer” by Garbage (for obvious reasons) or my favourite song is “Push It”. 

Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful. 

Music. The reason why is because the same song can mean completely different things to completely different people. It can create some beautiful memories that can help you out. You do a lot of healing with music – not like panpipes – but you can stuff to people’s lives with music.


Random acts of kindness that happen between strangers. I quite like that. I like to do something nice in the moment. You might never see them again but you’ve had a moment where you’ve helped them out for no other reason than you’re another reason and I should help you. I find that beautiful but the way we are now is mistrusting and it doesn’t happen often. People don’t want their actions to be misconstrued and that’s a shame.


Connecting at the end of a night. I have so many memories of being with all my friends in a circle after a gig or club night and we would all be singing at each other at the top of our voices. Having that connection is really beautiful and something I always remember.


Support. I mean all types of support. It might mean nothing to one person but means something to someone else. Not necessarily being supportive, not like “I’m always there for you” but I have people on Facebook who never come to my shows or live near me but, for algorithms sake, they will share an event of mine. It helps with reach and that kind of support is beautiful. There are some people I haven’t seen since school but it’s that little “I’ve got you” wink can mean a lot to someone. It’s really strange that we don’t all do it. It doesn’t take a lot to support someone. It doesn’t have to be monetary either! It can be showing up or a recommendation or sending a playlist. Everything creates ripples in my head.


Purple is beautiful.

 If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?

Long! [laughs] and Wide! No. There isn’t one word but it would be doing a little bit of everything.
My thing is that, for years, I have tried to do so many different things. People might see that as a lack of focus but I am always looking for new things which I want to give a go and see where it takes me. Everything in my life has led onto something else. I met a guy at a job who wanted to go to gigs but didn’t have anyone to go with so I started going with him. We started a Facebook group where we reviewed the shows and then a magazine reached out to us to write articles for them but we had to take down the group on Facebook because we were taking all of their traffic. They didn’t say it in those express words but they wanted us. It reached a point where I could pick and choose what I wanted to go to because I was so reliable. That ended up with me going to BeachBreak festival to review for them. I got given free swag and backstage access which was amazing. I ended up blagging my way into various interviews and I met everyone on the bill: Friendly Fires, LadyHawke and shit loads of people. The pinnacle was Dizzee Rascal. I realised I didn’t mind doing that or being on camera and that got me into managing a band. I managed them for a little bit. Through managing a band, I started putting on my own gigs so we did the whole thing ourselves. I did it all: marketing; posters; social media. Through that, I realised I enjoyed putting on events which led into me doing makeup for Halloween gigs and then I wanted to be a special effects makeup artist. Then I did bits and bobs for magazines which, years later, fed into Punka. Everything felt random with me trying everything but it’s all followed on. For the past ten-fifteen years, I’ve done it all and it’s all paid off with Punka. 

 What do you think the meaning of your life is? 

I don’t think we do know. I don’t think anyone’s life has to have meaning. It’s what you do with it that should matter. The legacy you leave. If you’re a bit of a shit in your life, that’s what you’ll be remembered for. If I’m only remembered for Punka, then I don’t mind that. Asking big questions like this is all good but it’s the little things you do which make bigger ripples in life which affects other people. Not being a dick is what I’m here for. I’m just trying to put a bit of positivity out.

After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?

I’ve learnt that I talk a lot. I love a natter.
I’ve got a long way to go in the way I see myself in terms of my confidence in myself and my abilities. That’s my problem. This week has been a really good example. In my interview, I outlined my strengths and weaknesses. My weakness is that I can do whatever I put my mind to – anyone can – but the problem is my brain letting me do it. It’s that imposter syndrome. I’ve been at Punka and you have been like “look at this! You have created this!” but I can’t cope. It’s like something else happens. [Ed: “But it’s not because you have made that happen!”] Yeah, I know but my brain won’t let me think that! In the last year of Punka, I started getting up at the end of the show to say a few words and that has helped with a lot of confidence. That has spiralled into me being confident enough to do a music show and go live on Twitch which then gave me confidence to do a YouTube channel. I work on my confidence with all of these things but it doesn’t stop it from being a thing. 

My open letter to Stu will go live tomorrow.

You can catch Stu on his Instagram page or his YouTube channel.
Punka, his queer night, can be found on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube.

STU; a queer pioneer;

” I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!” “

After Stu’s open and honest introduction, we decided to focus on his passion project and career path. It was so uplifting to discuss music, nightlife and events through a queer lens. Stu discussed his aversion to pop music, what transparency means to him and where he wants to take Punka in the future.

This is Stu’s middle eight (a personal favourite) and we really start to unpick what it means to be a human.

Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.

What does a regular day in Stu’s mind look like? 

Skatty. In my mind, I do struggle to get to a time where I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’ll do one or two things on my list of ten and think “oh I’ve achieved something so I’m okay” and then things build up. The world of TV is made for people who leave their dissertation to the night before and I am not one of those people. I don’t like the stress so I will tackle things as much as I can but I am also a bit of a procrastinator. A typical day in mind is just to get something done; just do something. Even if you only get one thing today, it’s something you don’t have to do tomorrow. That is my brain in a nutshell. 

What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?

A fairly big part considering that me and Alessio have been pretty inseparable for the last 3 years. We rely on each other for a lot of things and I do really value his opinion. I just like spending time with him. This is the first proper relationship I have had. I’ve dated a lot and I’ve had 3 month things where I’ve realised the right things aren’t going on. But this is the one where it went bang and I knew. This is what I want. He moved here within 6 months of us knowing each other and we have lived together ever since. We very seldom argue about anything and if it is an argument, it’s about something small like what’s on TV. We are boring people who don’t row. I love the fact that every day he does something new which makes me laugh. That is fucking precious. It’s absolute gold. If some motherfucker can’t make me laugh then I don’t want to live with them. I feel like I’ve got a weird relationship in that sense because a lot of people who have met him don’t see that side of his humour as much. They don’t know him as well as they could and I think they would find out that he is ridiculously funny. Such a dry, British sense of humour which sometimes might come off as abrasive if people don’t know him but sometimes I quite like that. People don’t know him like I do. They don’t know we have really fucked up humour. We watch trashy TV, like Hoarders, and if we see a trailer about someone shitting in a bag and keeping it then we can’t wait! Relationships play a big part for me but I can only say I have been all in on this one.

What aspect of friendship do you value most? 

Transparency.
I say that instead of honesty because that feels easy. I like people who are able to turn around to me and say “I can’t come to your show because I am having a bad day” or “I’ve got the shits”. That transparency and honesty, I like that. There are people who will say “I will never turn up to your gigs” and I appreciate that. There are shady people who are my friends but have unfollowed me on Facebook so they don’t hear about my shit and don’t get invites. But there are people who don’t like the music but will share the event. If I get the transparency, and I know they are who they say they are and are honest with themselves, even if they don’t text back, then it’s something I accept because I don’t know the rest of their lives. 

What do you do to make a positive impact on those/the world around you?

I guess this is a Punka thing for me. Even if my only legacy is creating this little club night, even if it’s only for a while and doesn’t go to other cities, I will know that I have given people a period of time where they felt like they were enjoying themselves and they were seen. I hope they understood what I was trying to do. I help as many charities as I can with the money from Punka. And I can proudly say I do pay my bands well. I have been called by a national promoter who said I was an “anomaly” [direct quote] in the sense that I pay all of my acts really well: from opening acts to headliner. I make sure everyone is paid well. That’s probably why they come back. I don’t tend to chase people because they come to me. If anything, I am hoping my impact will be that you can be a gig promoter and, maybe not make as much money for you but, still help others. It doesn’t have to be paying them in exposure because you can’t pay for petrol with exposure. Creating a little corner of the queer scene in Bristol is what I wanted. 

What do you do to stay motivated? 

Not a lot. At the minute, it’s quite difficult. When we weren’t in the end times, it was thing like my hobbies: “Button Mash” at Kongs or “Punka”. It was having something to work for. Each one has its own mini marketing campaign in my head. Having that motivates me to think “oh shit, you’ve got this thing which you need to do well. You need to sell tickets for it and you need to do this” and that reminds me that I have stuff to get on with. That can ultimately motivate me to do other things. There’s an end goal for certain things and that end goal is each event. 

What was the deciding factor to get into gig promoting? 

In the vein of me wanting to be seen and heard, which is a massive part of my personality, one of the reasons why we created Punka is because I felt there wasn’t much of an alternative queer scene. There were little rumblings of things – like “Pyschodrama” and Claire’s “Wig in a Box” – but there wasn’t anywhere where I could see people going to queer gigs or just having indie nights. I felt like I wasn’t being seen that much. I could go on a night out and hear the same music in every bar. I don’t know what a fucking Ariana Grande song sounds like! Well it sounds like everything else… As much as every kind of music has its place, I don’t have an affinity with pop music. I find it superficial. People have deep connections with every kind of music but I find pop music very surface level and superficial and that’s why I wanted something more. When we created it [Punka], it was a way of me finding a place where I could go. I would go to gigs like Skunk Anansie or Placebo, see loads of queer people there and then see them on a night out awkwardly dancing to Gina G in the bear bar. I would see them and think “we don’t belong here”. There was no place for queer women because everything is geared towards to cis gay men. We are the main demographic. It’s weird because we are not as acceptable as queer women on TV. In terms of representation, lesbians seem to be a bit more palatable for some people. But somehow everything gets geared towards us [cis gay men]. I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!”. It was more a case of making something that a lot of people would enjoy, having a little bit about the performance side of things but also creating a safe space for people to feel understood and have a platform. A lot of queer punk bands find it hard to find gigs where they are not just the opening band for representation. It’s a lot of box ticking and I didn’t want that.

How does your Punka link to your personal life? How do you think it affects your sense of accomplishment day to day? 

Can you repeat the question? I don’t want to go on!
In terms of it affecting my day to day life it does in a sense that I have things to work towards. I am a people pleaser. I really am. It’s hard for me to say because it’s a phrase that has negative connotations to it. A bit like the word “selfish”. I can use that for me and think “yeah, I am selfish. I don’t want kids. I want to keep my stuff going”. I like doing the things I like and there is nothing wrong with that. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing and being a people pleaser isn’t either. I don’t do it to the detriment of me but I like to be active in certain groups and post things which people interact with. That gives me an endorphin hit. I like when people interact with the Punka page every so often. I could throw out 5 music videos in one day and there will be one which someone responds to and if carries on into this huge conversation. I find that great because it’s given someone a lift that day. That is my people pleasing mind taking over. I think “this is the thing you like to do”. In terms of the logistics though, I was always planning things for Punka: sort the DJ, buy t-shirts to sell. It was something which became a pet project. There was always something to pick me up and feel a lot better after a shit day at work. There was something on the horizon. Knowing I was doing a club night on Friday kept me going. I just thought “everything is sweet but I have to get to that point”. There is a part of my brain, though, which doesn’t feel any confidence in what I do. Even though it’s got quite a lot of followers and has a good reputation, something tells me “nobody really likes Punka. Nobody takes it seriously.”. This is what my brain does to me. It fucks me up. It wasn’t until this year when I found a box of old Punka t-shirts which I put back out and so many people bought. I made a good chunk of money. People wanted to buy this merch and wear this logo which I scrawled on a scrap piece of paper ages ago. It gave me the biggest boost. It made me think things will be alright after this. It made me book two shows: one I have announced and another in November. I thought “oh shit, take this seriously now and stop being down on yourself.”. My brain is always down on itself. I mess myself up a lot in terms of confidence. But Punka is my baby and is doing really well so I think “maybe I am doing really well too?” 

What is your “end goal” in terms of a professional target/life?

My dream end goal, the way I see it if I was some fucking crazy person who trusted other people in other cities, would be for Punka to become a staple of the queer scene. I would want it to be a name that people would trust. I want to do an indie/rock club night for queer people that mainly plays female fronted indie or rock. All the things which are underrepresented. I would want one in every city. It would be a queer Ramshackle. That would be the dream if I trusted other people to not fuck it up! I would love to take a Punka line up to other cities. Maybe I would take a band, a couple of burlesque artists and some drag queens to another city and say “this is what’s going on in Bristol. How are you guys doing?”. We could work with another drag house in another city or a band that is doing well there.  We could make it a Punka night which would move there.

Stu’s final 8 questions will go live tomorrow.

You can catch Stu on his Instagram page or his YouTube channel.
Punka, his queer night, can be found on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube.

STU; disarming;

“I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see each other anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality.”

There was a huge hail storm which interrupted my chat with Stu a few weekends ago but that didn’t stop us from tackling the big subjects. I have never really had the chance to connect with him on this level so it was an absolute joy to talk through all things queer, fantastic, dark, hopeful and hereditary. In this first interview, Stu takes us through his family history, not being accepted for his homosexuality as well as just how much love he has for his partner (and cat).

These are the first 8 of 25 questions I asked Stu and we get straight into the nitty gritty of life.

Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.

Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.

Stu. Almost 40. Massive nerd. Bald. Been bald since I was 20. Mentally ill. Yay! Always wanted to be something but don’t think I ever will be. I’m a gig promoter and I run a club night in my spare time for my sins. I’m a big, massive queer.

 What has your experience with COVID been like? 

Oh this is going to be really short. It’s been great. I’m incredibly lucky to have Alessio [partner] and I cannot say that enough. As two people who suffer from mental health issues, when one is down the other one supports. The fact that we are so similar in terms of our interests means that we can sit down and complete a video game together or watch a whole series of something. I think we have completed horror. Every night without fail we would put the projector on and trawl through. I know there are a lot of people who are having a bad time and really suffering. I do miss my friends. I haven’t seen my mum and my auntie since August which is tough. He [Alessio] hasn’t seen him family since August and that’s even tougher because they are in another fucking country. I’m really lucky in the sense that we respect each other’s space. He can go into the room and play switch and I will go to find him later because I am super needy. When I got made redundant, there was no point where he felt like he really had to push me to get a job. It made me feel so much better because, even though I was fucking stressed out, I do feel like I have landed on my feet with this one. He is ridiculously supportive. I also realised something the other day when someone wrote on one of my statuses saying they felt guilty because some people were being really prolific in this lockdown. Loads of my friends have created businesses but I just wanted to get through it. I just wanted to survive. Maybe I needed this time to just chill out. I don’t want people to feel bad that other people are being prolific now because maybe we were entertaining them whilst they were sitting on their asses before all of this happened. Maybe it’s their fucking turn [laughs]. I don’t feel like I’ve had too bad a time.

 Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you’re well?

HA! Physical health, I’m currently a blancmange trying to fit into a pair of slacks. I’ve always had a weird thing where I don’t want to rave about body positivity because I’m not always particularly proud of my physicality. I have to say being the size I am is incredibly difficult to find clothes which makes me feel like a bag of shit. However, I don’t let it stop me from doing things I want to do. I don’t think my size impacts my confidence too much when I have things to say. I don’t look after myself physically too much but I do like to eat relatively well. My problem is that I eat really healthy but I don’t exercise so I get really fat.
Mental health wise I try to take care of myself much more. I have suffered from depression since my early teens and it comes in waves. I got to my worst at 17 – my parents were splitting up which was a whole thing. I was really messed up and in a dark place. Ever since then, it’s felt weird that nothing has ever got to that point again. Whenever it comes, it’s always like aftershocks. Little ripples. It’s not as bad as it has been before but it’s bad enough for me to recognise it. The good thing is I can recognise when my mental health is suffering and I do try to combat it. Usually company helps with me so just having someone to chat to or just sit down and watch a film with helps. I do try and look after myself in a way that I don’t overrun myself with the things to do which I know I won’t achieve without stressing myself out. Also, I feel I’m in a place where I can identify when things are going tits up, I can talk about that with people. I either can or can’t explain what is happening in that moment but I can say “I’m having a bad time mentally and I need to do this or this to feel right again”. I feel lucky in the sense that I have never had to medicate myself. I’ve had brushes with suicide in my teens and I never want it to get that bad again so I am not opposed to medication but I feel lucky I’ve never have had to have done it. Overall, I think I look after others moreso than myself in some respects but I know when I have reached my limit so that’s when everyone else can fuck off basically!

 Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?

I think I’m still making massive errors of judgement in people. I’m still making mistakes in terms of how close to keep them. I’ve got such a good support network of people and strangely that has come from Punka [Stu’s queer night which he runs]. The people which are the closest to me are the performers and promoters. It’s weird to think of that. I have become more than a person who has hired them: more than a boss. You want them to do well and you want to support and represent them because they are representing you. In some cases, it’s gone way beyond that. These friends are some of the only people I have seen in lockdown. I have friends of 20 years who haven’t text me since lockdown started. It feels like with these Punka friends, we are all in the same boat. You all understand what you’re trying to do and what you want to do. When you find out you have things in common then you work on that friendship. I have a good support group but it’s something which has only happened in the last 3 years.

 What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?

I’m from a family who are quite big on my mum’s side and on my dad’s side – not so much. I don’t know either side very well. My nan was the oldest of 11 kids so there were a lot of aunties and uncles. Every year for the past 40 years, they have spelt my name wrong. The cards are either formula 1, football or golf. That shows how much I don’t know my family. I’m very similar to my mum because she is really nerdy. She has a decent sense of humour and a very short fuse. The older I get, the more I respect that because she doesn’t suffer fools. The older she gets, the more she is calming down so people are walking over her which is frustrating. In my teenage years, we butted heads a lot but now we are really close. She is the best. Super supportive. I was always the weird kid: like most of us queers, you feel like something is wrong. I grew up in the 80s in a small town and didn’t know what gay was. The problem was my dad wanted me to be like him. A lot of parents think you are going to have a carbon copy of yourself. What they don’t understand is that your kid is a sum of those parts but it’s essentially a completely new being: it might not be like either of you. My dad realised I was not like anything he had come across before. I was always drawing and reading comic books. My mum was like a crack dealer for comics. If I ever did well in school or did chores, she would put in a comic in our little cupboard. She used to nurture this thing I loved about art and drawing. She knew that’s what I was into. My dad was like “why the fuck aren’t you playing football?”. They grew apart quite quickly and the problem is the fact that I would have been the youngest of three: my mum had two miscarriages and almost lost me. That created a big rift. I am “technically” the youngest child and we know that the youngest child is the gay one. Unfortunately [Ed: “not unforunately, we are fucking great.”] they ended up with the gay one. My dad didn’t like that and wasn’t on board with a lot of what I was into. I was in college before they split up and I did my final show where I turned an area into my own exhibition. I made a website of my work, like a rudimentary website from the 90s, and I was super proud of it. My mum saw it and was like “not even because you are my son but you have smashed this” but my dad saw everyone crowded around it, shook his head and walked out. In the end, we left and my mum said “me and your dad fell out because he was watching some lads playing football and asked why you weren’t doing that instead.” He wasn’t a fan, he just didn’t get it. It turned out that he was the first person I came out to. I wanted him on board and wanted his approval. After they split up, we went to the cinema to watch “The Faculty” and I really enjoyed it. He was fidgeting the whole way through so I knew he didn’t. He used to say “pie in the sky” which was his term for bullshit. It was bullshit to him. I stupidly said “we don’t have a lot in common, do we?”. And he said “no, you’re not the son I wanted.” He listed off loads of things to do with the things I was into and how he didn’t understand them. He told me “you’re too emotional, I feel like I’m raising a poof” and I told him he was. He dismissed it all, saying the break up was too stressful. He told me not to tell my friends because they wouldn’t want to see me anymore and said that neither did he. I didn’t get upset. I was in shock. I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see eachother anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality. I knew I was gay but I was going to play it straight for a while because that’s what I was meant to do. That led to me faking that I was into women but almost coming off as asexual for years. I didn’t come out until I was 33 because of it. You just lock it away. If my dad can’t even take this, what now? I have not seen him since that day. I haven’t seen him since 1999. My mum was invited to a funeral from my dad’s side recently and she went. It took her 15 minutes of watching this old man to realise it was my dad. She could not recognise him. The years hadn’t been kind to him and maybe that was the bitterness? It’s been a weird road of figuring out those past traumas that can do things to your brain. I wouldn’t say it’s messed me up in any other way than my sexuality. It taught me a massive lesson about people and the names that we give to people. Just because someone is your dad doesn’t mean they can’t be a piece of shit. They can still disappoint you and they don’t have to be in your life. If they are toxic and do things to mess you up, you don’t need to keep them around just because you are related to them. It made me realise that family isn’t always who you are related to because of blood. It helped me when I came out because I could create a chosen family and I am just as close if not closer to people who I have just met and who have had the same situation as me. You go through that separately and the trauma can help you grow together. I am much richer in terms of family because I don’t limit it to who I am related to.

 Where do you find daily inspiration?

I would say new music. I tend to get sent a lot of music because of what I do and it’s nice that people have found me quite trusting in that sense. They will send me the mastered version of their EP before it’s released. That makes me realise I can reach out to other people and be inspired by what they are doing too. Music is a massive inspiration for me. Music inspires me to do other stuff. Like a song will make me want to make a poster or start a playlist or create a YouTube video. Hearing one song can mess me up for months!

 What do you do for a living? Is it your passion/something you really enjoy?

Firstly, what I do now for a living I’ve only been doing for a week. I’ve just started as a claims handler for DPD. It’s not what I want to do but I’ve slowly come to realise that that isn’t always the best thing. Whereas before, I was on furlough and working in TV. I had been working in TV for 5 years. I had always wanted to do that. I’ve got a degree in film and I got several jobs when I finished uni which weren’t to do with TV. My brain and my confidence didn’t let me go for it. Then when I got into TV, I realised it wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted to do. It’s a weird industry. It’s very much “who you know” and it’s a really strange place to go if you’re looking to get ahead without stepping on people. I’m not a fan of that. It turned into a bittersweet thing about being in the industry you like but deep down inside you know it’s not the one. I realised though that your job doesn’t have to be fulfilling and you can do stuff you care about outside of work. 

What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you? 

Bald. BALD! Fat and bald. That’s about it. I don’t feel like I’m particularly remarkable in the way I look. In terms of my personality, I find that people feel I’m quite disarming. When I worked in films, I was a runner and whenever we had high profile clients coming in, my boss would get me to go in there. He always knew I was unflappable and wouldn’t get flustered or make a tit of myself. I would be reasonably professional if they wanted a chat and wouldn’t make it awkward. I knew how to handle the situation. The younger runners might have tried it on to get contacts and being all *jazz hands*. Even though I don’t like being the centre of attention, I do like being heard and seen. Disarming in that way. 

 What is the biggest hardship you faced in your life? 

I don’t feel like I’ve had a particularly tough life. I know we didn’t have a lot of money when we were younger and we gave up a lot to give my dad his dream. That time was tough. The hardest bit came when my parents separated and I realised I couldn’t go to uni. I got into a course and got a job in Virgin Megastore in Nuneaton and had to start again. Me and my mum had no money. That monetary hardship was the worst. Having to build yourself up from ground level. There was a shame in going to college and not being able to afford the dinners and having to use your loan smartly. In terms of emotional hardships, anything before me coming out I found weirdly tough. Just because I knew I wasn’t being my genuine self. 

Stu’s next 8 questions will feature on Wednesday.

You can catch Stu on his Instagram page or his YouTube channel.
Punka, his queer night, can be found on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube.

MORE LIKE HAYLEY;

After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.

I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.

Dear Hayley,

I wanted to preface all of this by saying I know just how hard you find it to talk about how you feel. It means the world that you let me open up these conversations with you and, even though they were challenging, share them with the world. The things you have to say are helpful and insightful to so many and pushing yourself past the point of comfort is how, I believe, we understand our humanity better.

That’s one of the reasons I wrote “brave” as one of your traits. It’s probably a word you wouldn’t ascribe to yourself but I truly see you as one of my bravest friends. The things you have done – from joining the army to moving to the NHS, from soldering (literally) through a rocky upbringing to learning how to cope with the loss of loved ones – are mighty and you have tackled each one with confidence and bravery. The world really could do with a lot more of your pizzazz and shine when it comes to adversity. I am truly inspired by your bravery and I only hope to emulate it in several areas of my life.

Having been close for so long, and dealing with so many hardships together (you were my first kiss after all…), I feel we are cemented. I might not see you for months at a time but, when we reconnect, it is exactly that – an honest re-connection. You make so much time for the ones you love and that is beautiful to see. Maybe you hit the nail on the head when you said that the lack of motherly love you received as a child has meant you are more of a mother figure to us all now. A boozy, loud, blunt mother but one we love all the same. You look after everyone in your life without even realising it and that is something you cannot teach. I am learning to be more considerate outside of my professional responsibility and you are a great role model for that.

You and I are both very hard on ourselves but I hope that after reading your interview back, you realise just how special and important you are. Sometimes it takes something like this to really understand how other people see you and what they admire. Nobody is frightened of emotions or vulnerability and knowing that we love each other in the same way has allowed me to reflect on how I open up to other people. You are always so honest but somehow manage to take feelings into consideration before you react. That takes a lot of practice but, through this friendship, you show me exactly how to do that.

It was a genuine pleasure to talk to you about these things and I don’t want you going away thinking you are boring or selfish. You are sure of yourself – you know what you like – and you are unapologetic about that. And nobody really knows the meaning of their life: it’s just great to see you working toward figuring out who you really are. I couldn’t admire you any more than I already do.

You, of all people, know what it means to be; Hayley.

All my love, always,

Mitch
xo

HAYLEY; blunt;

“I don’t think people realise how much it’s affected me because of how it happened.”

It felt natural that I moved from one close friend to another, someone who I don’t see enough of. Hayley has never been one to talk openly about her feelings and aspirations so these conversations felt needed yet organic. In this first part of her interview, Hayley discusses her time in the army, how the NHS has struggled duing COVID as well as just how much her friends’ deaths have affected her.

Hayley’s pronouns are “she/her”.


Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds. 

My name is Hayley Joyce, if everyone wants to know that. I’m 29. I’m in my twenties, literally counting down the days until I’m old and then – mid life crisis. Shit! Anyway, I’m a nursing assistant in a children’s hospital and I work in day surgery so children will come in and have simple procedures then go home on the same day. I have a crazy dog called Daisy and a beautiful boyfriend who I live in Bristol with. Oh and I love musicals! 

What do you do for a living? Is it your passion/something you really enjoy?

I guess a lot of people ask this question: “Am I in the right job? What would I do differently if I could pick anything?” The answer is: I have no idea what else I would do. Healthcare is all I have ever done. After leaving school, I went to college and did health and social care then I joined the army as a medic and then my path has followed on from that! I went to do health care at the hospital as a nursing assistant. I do enjoy it even though all of my friends think I don’t like children yet I work at a children’s hospital which sounds crazy but I think children are a lot easier to work with. In terms of working with adults in a hospital, it’s a lot more physical work (like personal care and mobility aid) but the parents are generally there with the children. Over time, I have grown to like children and I’ve had a niece and a nephew in the past few years so I know how to be around children now. Before, I was like “oh, here’s a baby. What do I do now it’s crying?!”. 

Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you’re well?

I love food. I am probably on the obese side if you saw my BMI but I’ve been taking part in a boot camp: Tom [partner] and I joined in July and we are still going. Everyone is surprised we are still committed. Four times a week I will exercise. I try to eat healthy but I love sweet things. Exercise is helping so I go for a lot of runs because it’s nice to be outside. All of the fitness classes are happening on zoom in my living room and I find myself getting lost easily so getting out helps to clear my mind. 

Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network e.g big circle of close friends, great family etc? 

Yeah, definitely. There’s a group of us that left school and we are still friends. With Jyothi passing away, we are so close and that brought us closer. We don’t see each other a lot but that has bonded us for life. Family too, yeah. Lockdown hasn’t helped. My relationship with my mum is a weird one and I have found it difficult not being able to see my family often. I have a great relationship with my dad and step-mum. Lockdown rules have meant I’m not seeing my nephew as much as I’d like. I like to think my family is supportive though. 

Where do you find daily inspiration?

I would say I’m quite a boring person so this is hard. I just get on with it. What gets me out of bed in the morning? I don’t know! I just do it. I’ve got to pay bills and stay busy. That’s a bit of a shit answer, isn’t it? Maybe it’s something you do naturally and don’t really think about it. I like to keep busy and I get bored if I’m not doing something.

What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up? 

My parents separated when I was 5. My dad was always around but my mum’s dad lived with us: he was a role model for us growing up. He was a father figure even though my dad was around too. We loved my grandad and when he passed away it was really sad. I would describe my mum as not being motherly. We weren’t very huggy or kissy and we never had that relationship. She wasn’t someone I could go and talk to. We weren’t really like that. I think this is why I have developed quite a close relationship with my friend’s parents. Maybe I was looking for a bond that I missed out on. 

What has your experience with COVID been like? 

To be honest, it’s not actually been that bad. Especially working in the hospital, children haven’t been affected too much compared to adults. After the peak of Christmas and New Year, when the numbers spiked, children’s day surgery got cancelled in the middle of January and our ward turned into an adult in-patient ward to help out another hospital. They didn’t have any beds left. That was a big change and I hadn’t looked after adults for a very long time. It’s a 24 hour service and I worked every weekend. It was difficult because it was physically hard work: I would come home so tired and it was taking all of my energy. Being on your own as a nursing assistant is really hard because the nurses crack on and do meds on their rounds and you can feel alone. There were some really hard things which happened and that annoyed or upset me. I don’t know how I feel about it. If we had extra help, we could have met all of those needs. We could have helped more. That really frustrated me. But now I think to myself “maybe I’ve done something which helped others during COVID?” and I think I have. Home life has been fine. In the first lockdown, Tom and I argued over petty things but it’s definitely affected a lot of relationships. Nobody we know got ill from COVID, thank God.  

What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?

I’m just so blunt. I say it how it is. Is that nice? I tend to think that people look at me and think I’m average: dark hair, average height. We all blend in the same. My personality shines through.

What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?

Friends’ deaths. It’s happened twice in my life and I’m not even 30 yet. I’m getting upset, I’m sorry. It’s coming up to an anniversary now and I think it will be one of those I’ll never be able to talk about without getting upset. I know she has loads to be remembered for but you can’t help think of the sad things. I’m crying about this so maybe I’m not dead on the inside. I don’t think people realise how much it’s affected me because of how it happened. We don’t know how it happened. It was in Canada but it wasn’t simple and we don’t have answers. It’s a bizarre story. It was the shock of it for me. With Rob, we knew he had cancer and we knew the diagnosis wasn’t great. It was still a shock but we sort of expected it because there was nothing else anyone could do. But this one, it was a shock. She was travelling, living her dream, seeing the world and then gone. You’ve got to be strong and it’s sad and I will have these moments where I’m upset but life does move on and you have to move forward. These people wouldn’t want me to live life as a miserable mess forever: they would be like “get out there and see the world!”. Jyothi enjoyed that and I want to be like that. 


Hayley’s next 8 questions will feature on Wednesday.

You can see more of what Hayley has been up to on her Instagram.

MORE LIKE ALICE;


EDIT: It seems wrong not to address the terrible news of Sarah Everard and the grossly corrupt situation when it comes to the state that England is in right now. I try my very best not to push any ideas or beliefs onto anyone in this little slither of the internet but, whilst celebrating so many women and openly discussing their fears and concerns for the future, I couldn’t bring myself to glaze over it. This should not have happened. And the police response just shows how much of a problem there really is. There is so much work to be done. But I hope that, on this bittersweet Mother’s Day, you can see that there is good in the world and, if we band together, we can make huge ripples of positive change in the world around us. I wanted to put this post out today of all days to shine a light on one of the many women who brings me endless joy and inspiration. I hope you have women like that in your life too. Listen to them, believe them, support them and celebrate them. We are in this together.

You will have to forgive this short, albeit necessary, introduction as I do not want to take the focus away from Alice but I feel as though I need to explain my thought process behind this next post.

After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.

I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.


Dear Alice,

Firstly, I want to say thank you for being my first guest for this project. I cannot think of anyone better to introduce to the world straight away. From the moment I told you I was pursuing writing again, I knew you would back me 100%. That loyalty is something I hope I echo in our friendship. Within the first hour of telling you my plan, you had already designed me a logo, given me advice on websites and offered your time. I cannot say how comforting it is to have a cheerleader like you. The way you talk about friends and friendships is inspiring and I can say, first hand, that you put your all into those around you. Through things like these conversations, I am starting to do the same.

You have known who you are since day dot and that was something I was incredibly envious of. I still don’t know who I am but to hear someone I love talk about themselves in a way that exudes confidence and sureness fills me with hope (and, above all else, joy). I have had the honour of privilege of watching you grow into the woman you are today and you put so much of that down to your family life and being dealt a “good hand”. Your modesty really shone through because you seldom mentioned the mind-blowing amount of hard work you continue to put into every project you start. Somewhere along the way, in a mere 27 years, you have found a balance between celebrating yourself and celebrating others without letting either be dimmed. That is something I am working towards.

Your approach to confrontation and honesty makes so much more sense to me now: knowing yourself the way you do stands you in good stead for unfamiliar circumstances. You always seem prepared and, maybe behind the surface that may not be 100% true but, whilst you are aware of how others see you, I don’t think you are phased by judgement. You have deep seated morals and beliefs which are unwavering and you have formed such solid circles around you because those like-minded people feel loved and wanted by you. Which we are. Talking to you always reminds me of why we have stayed such close friends for 15 years.

I could go on but, truthfully, I don’t want to make future features feel jealous. Just know that everything you do inspires me and so many others. Thank you.

You, of all people, know what it means to be; Alice.

All my love, always,

Mitch
xo

ALICE; a graphic designer;

“I think that all the bad in the world is down to miscommunication.”

This time around, Alice opened up about her tumultuous journey through higher education, the importance of integrity in everyday life and her dream career as well as how physically planning helps her stay motivated.

Alice’s pronouns are “she/her”.

What does a regular day in Alice’s mind look like?

I don’t think my mind is ever quiet. I don’t have any moments of, I don’t want to say peace because I am at peace with myself, but my brain is not very peaceful. It’s always going on up there. When I get into a task, I can be very one track minded. Particularly if I am creating, I am into it – that’s what I’m doing. What’s so funny is that I feel like I’m such a person that has succumb to media so I really do make a concerted effort if the thing in which I am focusing on is a person to not have a phone/television because I am such a goner with other distractions. In my mind, I don’t think it’s ever quiet and I am always thinking about multiple things like the next steps for moving forward. I feel like I’ve got a never ending to-do list in my head. That’s just not professional life, hobbies outside of work or friends. It’s all going on the same list. But it doesn’t feel overcrowded: I’m not upset with how things are. One does get overwhelmed every now and again but I like being busy. I am a proactive person. My mind has got hustle and bustle about it, that’s what I’ll say. 

What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?

I think they play an integral role. I think a big positive of mine is the fact I have been able to cultivate and juggle a lot of meaningful relationships whether they are romantic or platonic. I have people I have been friends with since I was 3 years old that I still speak to regularly. I feel for the most part, with the people that I have wanted to, I have been really able to continue cultivating a long lasting and meaningful relationship with them. I love that I have a lot of friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am thankful for each and every one of them. In regards to that, I feel like they play a massive part in my life. If anything good or bad happens, I want to celebrate or commiserate with the people around me and I like to think that I am somebody who is good at articulating but also good at listening. Linking to me enjoying graphic communication, I think communication on any plane is integral to serendipity or success. Nirvana! Because I have been lucky enough to surround myself with wonderful people, I would never go a day without speaking to one person. I cannot see that happening. 

What aspect of friendship do you value the most?

Integrity.
There would be honesty, loyalty and sincerity. I can have a laugh and kick back! But I feel like I’m very sincere with what I say to those that I care about. For the most part, I’m somebody who doesn’t shy away from confrontation. I don’t like elephants in rooms. I want to know where I stand. It comes down to the perception of self. For me, with any type of interaction with anyone (sounds very broad) I am happy for you to judge me on decisions I have made when I have all the information. What I worry about is my decisions being judged if I don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. If I don’t have the truth, how can I react to a situation authentically if I have in turn not been given authenticity? For me, integrity in any relationship is important. I feel like I’m quite a proud person which has its pros and cons, honestly. I am somebody who walks with their shoulders back, comfortable in who they are. I don’t want to say “life” taught me that but I guess in the words of Fall Out Boy “sometimes the only pro to having any faith is when it’s tested again and again”. Whether it’s work, people, whatever – you are always being challenged about who you are and what you bring to the table. It’s through being challenged and being dealt the cards of life that you better understand where you fit into this dumpster fire. I think there’s an aspect of innate confidence and I don’t feel like I’ve ever been a shy person. That’s not to say that I don’t get anxious or apprehensive but I have never in my life let that get in the way of what I want to do. Never in my life have I copped out of doing something because I was scared. Everybody has feelings of doubt and that is what a support system is there for. I don’t think I surround myself with yes men and, if I ask somebody’s opinion, I want their opinion and I am asking them because I respect that. And absolutely I will have a “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” moment – everybody has existential crises every now and again but I think that if you just give up then… what is there? 

What do you do to make a positive impact on the world/others around you?

I’m a vegan? Is it that?! I’ve been a vegan for so long that it doesn’t feel like a conscious decision anymore. It’s become so ingrained in my life – you never want to say never but the best way for me to describe my outlook on veganism is when it comes to meat and dairy products the juice is never worth the squeeze to me. Did you know that quarter pounder burger creates the same amount of emissions as a flight from London to Malaga? Beef is horrendous for the environment! 

What do you do to stay motivated?

Staying motivated is an interesting way to put it because I don’t think anybody always stays motivated. I think motivation comes and goes. But I guess to maintain motivation would be recognising and celebrating the small wins and the steps that you’re taking towards whatever your goal may be. Sometimes, myself included, you can try something once or return to something and it doesn’t go quite how you planned so then you’re like “well, I’m never going to do that again” but that’s just not productive. So I think taking stock and celebrating what you’re doing and how far you’ve come [is great]. More of a practical thing is I love a good planner. I love to have both a physical planner as well as digitally on my phone so guess knowing what time I have to do what, when I have that time, gives me something to look forward to and work towards: chiselling out time for myself when I can get creative. I think there is definitely a lot in habits and reflexes that you introduce into your life and just keeping at it.

What was your deciding factor to pursue your hobby as a career?

For me, it happened twice. Graphic design was something I was interested in in my early teenage years. I really enjoyed communicating and people communicating graphically. I think AdLand and communication, whether it is for a commercial purpose or otherwise, it has always been incredibly interesting to me. I like the saying of “a picture tells a 1000 words”. I don’t consider myself an illustrator; rather a creative, a designer and a print maker. I wouldn’t consider myself an artist or illustrator by any stretch of the imagination. Graphic design is something that can be shown to so many people and it’s just a really efficient way of doing that. I guess when I was in school and considering that, it really spoke to me and I really enjoyed it. I did the traditional trajectory of somebody who wishes to follow design: I went to London where the streets are paved with gold. Even when I was going  to art school (in 2012), even before then, London was out of its heyday. Typically, in ye olde times, it was very much “you go to London and become a graphic designer” and that’s what I got in my head as to what I was to do and so I jumped through the hoops necessary for me to get there and go. However, when I did get there it wasn’t what I thought I had signed up for. I was not a good fit for the course I was on and you have a bit of an identity crisis when that happens. I had spent years working towards this goal and I had seemingly got there but in actual fact, I was miserable. I went to university there for a year and then I moved back home and now, being outside of finishing my undergrad in the same subject, for me it was never something for me that I thought I lost. I think my initial higher education experience dulled the shine but i wouldn’t say it snubbed out the spark for it either. I was perfectly happy being an adult for a while – earning money and spending money – learning what it is to be in the working world. I got a part time job in coffee at 16 and I never planned it would go the way it would. I planned on being there for a few years to support myself through university and arguably that is what I have done. The second time, I had just got out of a long term relationship and moved back in with my parents. I would say after a few months, I was starting to think about what my next moves were. It was always in the back of my head to potentially go back to school and I think, for me, whilst I wasn’t 18 anymore, I thought to myself “well, I’m not married, I don’t have children or a mortgage. If I want to go back to art school, if not now, when?” so I ended up going back to school at 24. So I would say then! Does that answer the question?! 

How does your future profession link to your personal life? And how does it affect your sense of accomplishment day to day?

I think what is interesting about people’s sense of accomplishment in a capitalist society is that often your job is well intertwined with how you feel about yourself as a whole. I really wish I was the type of person who earnt money to live but then how I did that didn’t necessarily bother me and then I just made money when I needed money and lived more of a nomadic existence. However, I don’t have the balls to do that! I think for me with a dream scenario what’s really interesting in the language that we use like “work life”, “home life” and “romantic life” – it’s all the same thing really. I think everybody is struggling to find that balance between what they do as a living and how they choose to live. I would like to think that even if I were to be in the position that I want to now, I would have a balance. An equilibrium is paramount when it comes to living. 

What is your end goal in terms of your professional life?

I would love to be paid to create and communicate what I want. Ideally, in a perfect world, I would love to be one of those people that people question “how the fuck did they make money?” [laughs]. I think for a while I wanted to work in a design agency and do the traditional trajectory of a designer but the more I think about it, I feel I’m a lot less commercial. I just enjoy creating and having a creative outlet and an audience that is appreciative and wants to respond to it. One brilliant thing about the human race is our capacity to communicate and being able to do that creatively is something that I am incredibly drawn to. That is a cog in a machine that I am happy to be a part of. I think that all the bad in the world is down to miscommunication. 


Alice’s final 8 questions will feature soon.

You can find more of Alice on her YouTube channel, Twitter and Instagram. She is also contactable through her website here.