“If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.” – Jamie Tworkowski.
I have started this year all wrong. Everything I promised myself, I have consciously ignored. I’ve drunk wine. I haven’t done any exercise. I’ve spent far too moments sat with anxiety. And I haven’t written anything.
But that’s the good thing about New Years Resolutions: they are bullshit. You don’t have to wait until the dawning of a 366th day to start something new. Yesterday is the best time to start bettering yourself.
With every failure comes a crippling sense of despair; a never-ending loop of self-absorption, bitterness and fury all whilst lacking any wherewithal to improve. But really, what are these failures if not just examples of “being”. Maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s fear or maybe it’s pride… But I am being lazy, being fearful and being too proud. Sometimes I am grateful just to be, even if it feels like it’s never enough. Or far too much. One day, there won’t be any more time to just be.
I want this piece to be a challenge, not only to myself but to you reading. A challenge to think in a different way. I am naturally drawn to the negatives of everything. I have spent 30+ years preparing for a worst case scenario so that if (and/or when) it happens, I am prepared for any turmoil that comes with it. If it doesn’t pan out in a catastrophe, then what an unexpected joy I can bask in. This is a challenge to consciously seek out the things which bring you joy.
Gratitude is a word which is thrown around but never really picked apart. Why is being grateful so important? What power does it possess? What does it really do for a human who can only live in the moment? It’s something which is best understood in times gone by: in moments of reflection, pining or heartbreak. What would you do if somebody told you to sit and think of ten things you are grateful for in this very moment? How easy would it be to reel off a meaningful, honest list? For me, nigh on impossible.
A colleague of mine signed up to a wellbeing app which asks you a question every morning. At the end of last year, on one of our last working days together, it asked her “what do you feel most grateful for today?”. She told me it took her far too long to tune into her gratitude but she ended up with the answer: her legs. She uses them to dance. And run. And they let her walk to places she wants to see. It was an alien concept that took me the best part of a month to digest: her best friend is in a wheelchair. At one point or another, we all take something for granted which others were once grateful for. Youth. Beauty. Memory. Happiness. Freedom.
It’s not the start of the year which has made me reflect. It’s just the side route my broken brain has taken me on. Whilst there is bad in everything, and it’s far too easy recognise, I have to remind myself that there can be good in those places too. That being said, here are some of the things I feel truly grateful for. Maybe you do too.
The internet can answer nearly every question we have in a heartbeat (depending on your provider and SafeSearch settings).
Music exists and saves lives every waking minute.
Love is real. So many different kinds.
Animals are the purest souls on the planet and have absolutely no awareness of that fact.
We can heal: our skin can be mended and so can our hearts and brains.
Most lip balms really work.
You can create your own chosen family.
A lot of art is free and accessible.
Celebrating others’ successes doesn’t take away from your own.
Maths is a universal language. So is smiling.
Drag artists are the mascots of the queer community. And drag is mainstream now.
We are getting closer and closer to finding a cure for cancer.
A lot of people really care about how music is made: how it’s written, produced and delivered is just as important as how it sounds and charts.
Wearing black will always be timeless.
Accomplishments and tragedies bring us closer together. There is no light without darkness. But there also can’t be darkness without light.
Cruelty free products are fashionable and on the rise.
There will forever be an abundance of emotionally damaged female singer/songwriters. I hope that lasts forever.
People can forgive and forget.
Modern medicine works.
Our jobs are not our lives. We have so many outlets that don’t exist in a professional environment. We are learning to work to live, not live to work.
Words are powerful.
There is still some time. For you. For me. For all of us.
I have to say it again. “It’s okay. If you feel too much, there’s still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.”
2024 started with a whimper and not a bang. It’s taken me too long to just sit and let myself be; to think about how I feel and what I want to say. It’s taken me too long to get over the fear of writing again. It’s turns out that what I needed to focus on my gratitude was more time. And what is another year if not more time?
More than anything, and maybe for the first time in my life, I am grateful for some more time. I hope you are too.
”There are two types of people in the world – those who perform and those who watch.” – Joe Tracini
Something I have become hyper aware of is my presence; in more ways than one. It’s become a chore to just “be” which is a painful irony given that I have set this corner of the internet aside to explore exactly that. It feels like this crushing pressure to be so in every moment that seeing the forest for the trees is another matter entirely. Whether it’s a conversation, a moment of serenity or an event, I cannot seem to find a sweet spot of existence.
My husband and I went to watch Ellie Goulding live recently. If anyone knows me, they know that this counts as a “Very Fucking Big Deal” and, of course, it was. Without dragging you through every moment of the two hour spectacle, we reached the end of the show and she started a speech all about being in the moment and putting your phones away. “When I started going to shows, we didn’t have phones to hide behind so, please, just dance with me for this one” she preached to the crowd. I echoed her sentiment – sure enough, when I started going to gigs, we didn’t film every exclusive and take blurry pictures from 15 metres away. We watched, we sang, we danced and we thrived. Falling on deaf ears, nearly everyone in the the first three rows whipped their phones out to hastily film what ended with a whimper, not a bang (that’s personal preference for you). What is so pressing that we have to document every waking moment of our lives? Is it that we want to share our memories with those around us? Maybe it’s that we need to feel our voice is heard and our presence is felt. “I promise you, you’ll never look at those photos again!” Ellie laughed as she started strumming away and bouncing around the stage. I’m sure she’s right.
Weeks prior, I had been to see Fall Out Boy with two friends, another “Very Fucking Big Deal”. These thoughts of being present were whipping around my head as we drove to Birmingham whilst I was battling with a niggling anxiety of having never been to this venue before. There wasn’t a moment of silence on the car ride there whilst we touched on every topic known to man, catching up after months of adulthood dragged us apart. It was bliss. And I felt present enough. We ate food, we laughed, we danced our way through two hours of nostalgic rock music, and we enjoyed ourselves. The car ride home was much quieter as I was in the back seat, tearing myself apart. Was I really there? Do I remember the music? Did the girls love the show? It’s this “post-event” evaluation which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I have been reading up on “flow”, an idea of time passing by rapidly whilst you are doing something you enjoy. In Csikszentmihalyi’s words, flow is “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter.” Another site tells us: ‘When in a flow state, people pay no attention to distractions and time seems to pass without any notice.” This really hones in on the idea of presence, given that these flow states mean you are solely focusing on one thing. For me, it’s writing, listening to music, playing videos games: escaping. It can be anything for anyone. An inspirational friend of mine takes great pleasure in swimming through ice cold lakes and murky depths: it screams “different strokes for different folks” entirely but the way she shares her inspiration and growth is something altogether magnificent.
Maybe we are present whilst we are engaging in something: it’s just that “time flies when you’re having fun” so it feels as though it’s over before it began. What does it really mean to be in the moment? Is it the feeling of nirvana whilst you are there, one you can barely recall when you’re back to reality? Is it mementos – photos, videos, fleeting memories – you can harken back to? Time passing by is inevitable but, when it moves so quickly you are barely there, it brings up the concern of what you are going back to when the party is over.
Everything ends, that’s a given. But why am I so unsettled with the thought of things finishing? Is there some strange, repressed notion of life which I can’t face going back to? I am happy (read as: “happy enough”) with so many aspects of life: marriage, home life, career, friendships, family. Things are great most of the time. And yet, this post-fun, emotional comedown leaves me reeling. It’s becoming its own anxiety: the feeling of dread when organising time with friends because it will soon be over. Will I be an active listener whilst we’re talking? Am I taking up too much screen time, per se? How long until I can leave? How am I going to stay present in these moments when I know that they will finish and I’ll crawl back to this feeling of emptiness?
Writing this, I feel present. It’s quiet here, and dark too. There’s magic in silence and darkness. I am not clock watching or word counting. I’m just remembering, feeling and writing. A small iota of hope comes from the knowledge that this will happen again: I can feel like this again. Life is just a series of events for everyone but you are your own main character. Be present. Listen. Talk. Cry. Laugh. Sing. And feel.
We should learn to look back on these moments with more fondness and less loss. They happened. We were there. And we can make new memories after. We just have to pull from our reserves – even when we feel empty – to make sure we can live new experiences again. We may feel one way whilst we’re in the eye of the beast and another when it’s over but it’s all swings and roundabouts, as my dad would tell me. I say that with a smile on my face as I stare at the pixelated, over-edited picture I took of Ellie Goulding all those weeks ago. Maybe she was wrong after all.
“I’ve scratched off every follicle, I’ve even torn out teeth. I’ve peeled away each layer of flesh to find what’s underneath.”
I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again. There was a line drawn in the sand a long time ago which separated me from writing anything down. It feels as though there are too many obstacles now: unrelenting fear; crippling sadness; pointless trepidation; endless bouts of demotivating chaos; as well as a desire to live a life outside of a screen.
And yet, here we are. Again.
So much has happened since the last time I let myself just sit down and type. No noise, no distractions, no direction – just me and my thoughts. That, in itself, is terrifying. Why has it been so long? Have I been so worried to write because I don’t know what will come out? Is it a conscious effort to avoid writing in case I unearth some horrible truth which I had buried? Has it been the fear of being judged or alienated because my inner monologue doesn’t align with everyone else’s? Or is it just that the idea of being alone with my brain is enough to push me over the edge again? Maybe by the end of this, we’ll know why.
I have been struggling recently. It’s easy to ask for help now – this isn’t my first rodeo, believe it or not – but writing it down, immortalising it, is something else entirely. It’s not a phone call to your mum saying you’re feeling flat and it’s not a text to your friend asking for a wine and a catch up. It’s heavier. It’s vulnerable. And it’s ugly. It doesn’t matter how much we battle to rid our society of the stigma attached to mental health issues, there will always be some kind of reaction to the word “depression”. I often wonder how that feels for others. What comes to mind when you read that word?
For me, it’s become a bird. Somedays, the heaviest albatross around my neck. Others, a visiting robin who reminds me of a loved one. It can fly quietly, almost unrecognisably, in the back of my mind or it can soar over me, whipping up a maelstrom of chaos from underneath. It feels like something I am desperate to cage but it will always leaves feathers, just to remind me it’s never confined for long. Birds, to me, are freedom and life incarnate and so maybe that’s why I have attached them to my depression: that juxtaposition might help me to better understand that without darkness there can be no light.
I’ve been feeling small and that’s where my darkness resides. It’s become this overwhelming fear and sadness that I’m not taking up any space. No doubt born from a place of insecurity, it’s this voice telling me that I am insignificant. What space am I supposed to take up? Is there a limit to how “me” I am supposed to be? Should I be letting others know about my pain and hardships or should I be inviting them to celebrate my successes? What does that balance look like? There is a constant battle between being too much and not being enough and it’s a fine line which I have never learnt to tread. Retreating inwards on yourself truly is a double edged sword: you have time to refresh, recharge and reevaluate what is going on but you also separate yourself from those closest to you. Striving for connection and reeling from validation is just as jarring: with others around, you should feel more present but with that comes to the upkeep of extroversion and confidence which oftentimes is exhausting. Why are these grey areas of “being” so difficult to circumnavigate? Have you discovered your happy medium? I’m genuinely curious, and the slightest bit desperate, to know.
Some days, I feel everything and I feel it all through a magnifying glass. Overwhelming, encapsulating, all encompassing emotions – I feel them too much. Other days, I am just a husk: hollowed out and void, numb to existence. How can there be such a dichotomy in me? The transition from everything to nothing feels too swift and ruthless: blindsiding and breathtaking. The tide settles but the sea never stays calm for long.
Being left alone with these thoughts, and individually, it can feel like we are nothing. There is a word which seems to follow me around – sonder – which is defined as “the profound feeling of realising that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one’s own, which they are constantly living despite one’s personal lack of awareness of it.” It’s rare to find a word which so accurately sums up an entire sensation, let alone one which can incite feelings of isolation and union at the same time. Feeling alone in the world, being lost and broken, you are a grain of sand. But together, we can become a beach. Our cumulative experiences and journeys allow us to see that we are part of something much bigger; something which is only realised when we are together. I remind myself daily that we need people and that our connection drives us forward. We, as humans, are nothing and everything, all at once. It’s weathering the storms of nothingness and embracing those moments of everything which is the fight: a battle can be won, but wars can last a lifetime.
Maybe these feelings of insignificance will dissipate as soon as I click publish. Maybe these words are my way of taking up more space and maybe they’ll make you feel some type of way. Maybe I won’t feel this way a year from now. All I know is that something has shifted and I’m ready to talk again. I can only hope you’re still there to listen.
Sometimes it feels as though everything is new whilst other times, it’s like nothing is different at all. But I feel changed.
Every single night, I lay down and feel the words settle in my body and then level out in my brain. I think of writing down every truth and hardship: the landscape poetry of my insides. Then, as always, it amounts to nothing. What is stopping me? Am I worried that I won’t feel the same in the morning? That those words will feel hollow or worse – dramatic? That I may wake up, fully formed, and regret what I shared? Am I terrified that writing those letters out will make all of this “real” again? Is there still a huge fear of judgement and rejection from those around me?
Maybe that’s the problem. Or maybe I am the problem. I have come full circle on a shapeless idea.
Regardless, here are the words I’ve wanted to write for so long.
I am caught in a maelstrom of swimming up from the all too familiar depths of sadness whilst desperately trying to bask in those magical moments that make life feel worth it.
On a good day, I am full of love and light: showering friends and family in adoration, gifts, quality time and meaningful words.
On a bad day, existing hurts. Every fibre of my being tells me that this thing we’re all doing – just “living” – is an alien concept. That I have to be working towards some bigger goal: some landmark achievement which will mean I leave a legacy behind once my organs are giving somebody else life and my ashes are sprouting out trees. And if I’m merely existing – not acting on thoughts, not constantly people pleasing, not dedicating endless hours to a greater good – why does it feel like a waste?
Why is there no happy medium? Why are the days of just plodding along so few and far between? Why does contentment feel like a lifetime away and yet, sometimes, I find it whilst lost in a song; in the pages of a book; in those hazy fifteen minutes of waking up on a Saturday with nothing to do? Why is it so hard to cling to those fleeting glimpses of joy and bliss, then add them up cumulatively to give my life (more) meaning?
I don’t have the answers yet but I am working towards them. I may find them all out by the next blog post. I may figure some things out as I get older. A revelation may strike me on my deathbed. Or maybe I will never find out at all.
But I can’t add another “what if” to my tapestry. I need understanding. And, thanks to my inherent and offensive lack of patience, I want it now.
When I started this blog, I hid behind others: not just because I wanted to share their stories and feel close to people but because I was desperate to eschew my own vulnerabilities. I have finally reached a place where I want to talk about them: share them: discuss them: learn from them: and work on them.
That’s not to say I won’t feature anyone else again. In fact, I hope this shift will push me to reach out to others. For far too long I have been content to exist alone: without the need for others, I have been able to let the other half of me rest and recharge before facing the world. But there are two sides to every coin and perhaps that distance between the two is what makes things feel so overwhelming.
From here on out, I want to share my thoughts with you all. The absolute spectrum of humanity: my successes and victories; my fears, worries, concerns and insecurities; my thoughts on what goes on in our heads and what it means to ”live”. I can only hope you will feel a stir of something, whether it’s an echo of familiarity or the discomfort of something new.
This change isn’t a cause for concern. The deafening silence from the blog was something to be worried about: I had retreated, covered my eyes and ears and pretended nothing needed to be done.
In fact, I feel better now. I can look back in retrospect and piece my thoughts together. I can justify my feelings and move forward, making sure my next low is not as catastrophic as the last. I can share my thoughts with you and every fibre of my being hopes that you can help.
So this is it. Beginning again. I am lost somewhere in an ocean of terror, relief and uncertainty. But one thing I am certain of is my readiness.
Thank you for everything along the way. This is a new chapter and it’s ours; together.
“The whole of that time there was a lingering doom.”
Last month, I had a three hour long catch up with Hannah, an old friend of mine from university. We go months without talking to one another but, once we are sat together (even virtually), it all comes so naturally. It was nothing short of a joy to hear Hannah talk about her life in this way. There were things we knew already, things we have never touched on and absolute surprises.
In her interview, Hannah opened up about her acting career, the loss of her father and just how close she is with her family now.
Hannah pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Hannah Sinclair Robinson. I grew up in Reading but now live in Brixton. I am an actor but I guess you could say I make my living as as assistant manager at a pub in Oxford Circus. I would love to be making a living as an actor but, as we are building a career, most of the money comes from a pub so… thank you pub!
What do you do for a living? Is it a passion or something you really enjoy?
I am an actor. I would say that is my profession but the powers that be require financial offerings so I am the assistant manager at a pub. It does not fulfil me but it is a necessary evil so I can pursue the career of my dreams. I love everything that comes with being an actor. Hmm, no! I don’t love everything that comes with it but I do very much enjoy being an actor. I think there are a certain type of people that are drawn to being actors and I think I get a lot of my self worth from being told I’m good. I need that validation! We are working towards separating those two though.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well?
My mental health is better, much better, than it was late last year. I noticed it was the worst it had been. The pandemic, the lack of auditions, the lack of work: it all affected me. I have a really bad habit of attaching my self worth to my career and work so if I don’t get jobs then my self worth and self esteem goes all the way down. It plummets. It doesn’t do that quickly though. It’s a very slow spiral that’s will involve me punishing myself until I feel really bad and we feel comfortable in the sadness. We rest in the sad bed we have made! It’s much better now and I am much better at identifying the triggers which set off that spiral. I am much better at taking care of myself. It’s still in the works because a core part of my no self worth comes from not knowing who I am. As an actor, it’s really easy to shape shift as a person: I can change aspects of myself to suit people, circumstances etc. I can pull something out of my vocabulary or from my physical form and that helps me adapt. That has resulted in me feeling quite lost. I don’t know what I like or who I am, really. That is an aspect I am working on in therapy – trying to find out what those things are. My therapist always asks me what I like and I genuinely don’t know. At one point she asked me to list things I am good at and I didn’t know. I said I am good at making other people happy but that’s for them, not me. I feel like I’m doing okay and I have things in place. Wait, what was the other part of the question? [long pause] Therapy. That’s the main thing. Journaling! Here we go. Taking time out to do things that I know will make me feel good. Even though it’s super boring, I ensure my tax folder is up to date and that relieves so much anxiety. Ensuring that I have read all of my emails, I see that as self-care. If I put those things off, that makes my anxiety even worse. Doing these things might not feel great in the moment but they are helping out future Hannah. Also, feel free to edit that down so it makes sense! [Ed: “I will do my best!”]
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Yes, I do. I have a diverse and extensive network of friends that I can go to for different things. All of them are very supportive. I have quite a good foundation with my family as well. We are quite a large family – my Grandma was 1 of 8 – and everyone is really supportive of everything. My mum is the ringleader of that. I am really close to my aunties and when I found out I didn’t get an audition, I went off on one and my mum was away so they listened to me crying down the phone about it. If anything ever happened to anyone in the family, we can all rely on one another.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I am an only child, if that wasn’t obvious! I lived both of my parents and there was a really good relationship there. I had a really nice childhood: my parents worked super hard and it’s only now I realise how hard they must have worked to provide all the stuff I had as a child. My dad would work days and nights and worked his entire life until a year or so before he died. They ensured I had a really comfortable and lovely childhood. My mum’s side of the family is super tight – we would spend summers on holiday with my aunties, uncles, cousins. I would stay with my godmother whilst mum was working. We were really close and connected with a lot of the family. I also think because I am an only child, they rallied around to ensure I wasn’t alone or feel like a loner. My cousins are what sisters feel like. They are closest thing I have to sisters.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
For what? [Ed: “for life, honey! What else?”] Oh! Well, that’s the crux then, isn’t it? I find it in nature. I don’t get out into as often as I should. I know it does me really good but I’m not good at leaving the house these days. The park is 3 minutes away from me but I still can’t bring myself to leave the house. Every time I do go for a walk, it’s lovely. Seeing the detail in nature is insane. I like to surround myself with plants in here too. I feel really connected to the earth when I pot plants. I like seeing how intricate our planet it. It’s so detailed! It’s inspiring to me, really.
What has your experience worth COVID been like?
First of all, I am incredibly surprised nobody in my household got it! There are 6 people living in the house. We have had a house move and nobody has had it. There have been some scares but we have all been negative, thank God, touch wood. I haven’t personally known many people that have had it so I don’t feel like I have a direct experience. I have friends who are nurses and they have relayed the horrors of working in the ICU. My mum has friends who have had it and passed away but their age bracket is more vulnerable. I noticed a difference from Reading to London. Reading, in the suburbs, everyone was much more wary and really strict with the rules. I lived there for 3 months then I came to London and everyone was on the tube with no mask and huge amounts of people. It was absolutely awful. There was such a different attitude from being in the suburbs where everyone was so afraid and in London everyone was just getting on with it: getting public transport, going to work. When the pubs re-opened, that was really difficult to manage. Everything changed. We went to table service, having a host on the front desk, masks for everyone, sanitising stations. Both industries that I am involved in shut down. Apart from my financial loss, it hasn’t been that bad. I have to pay my rent and survive and that’s all. I don’t have kids or a mortgage which are massive stressors. I am in a very fortunate and privileged position in that, if I couldn’t pay my rent anymore, I would have to move back into my mum’s house. Everyone is in different situations but I got furloughed and focused on my acting career so I made it work. In lockdown, I have had a “positive” experience except we are in the global pandemic. A lot of my views come from a place of privilege. My mental health is a major stressor but I don’t have any dependants which would make things more difficult. I am very fortunate so COVID hasn’t had a huge effect on me.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
Black woman. That’s the most obvious thing. Personality wise, what’s the word? I don’t want to say friendly because that’s a cliché but I think I am quite charismatic. I don’t want to toot my own horn! [Ed: “I think you are charismatic!”] Oh good, me too! [laughs]
What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?
Hands down it was when my dad died. There has been a couple of instances because my mum has had breast cancer twice. The first time I was really young so I didn’t really understand: I was just sad and scared. The biggest hardship was my dad passing away though. He had cancer for years and all of that time was during my formative years from 15 to about 24. The whole of that time there was a lingering doom. We knew from the beginning he wasn’t going to get better. We had to deal with that for around 9 years. You were there for most of it. I remember drinking vodka with undiluted squash in your old flat…. We were both so sad but a different kind of sad. It was rough stuff.
Hannah’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.
You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.
“I don’t know where I want to end up but I know what I want to achieve.”
I have been waiting for this moment where I get to explore Katie’s love for songwriting and creating music. The skill set she has will undoubtedly be inspirational for so many others and it’s a joy to share this with the world (for free, too!). Katie talks us though her clean mind, her love of lists, how she came to write songs and why she wants a build a studio in her back garden.
This is Katie’s, very fitting, middle eight and she allowed us to a shine a light on her passion.
Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.
What does a regular day in Katie’s mind look like?
In my mind?! Oooh! If I’m being super honest, there would be lots of side servings of guilt, intermittently showing up for no reason: constantly thinking I have wronged someone or I haven’t done enough. But other than that, in mind I like things clean. I am constantly walking past things that need to be dusted or scrubbed or there are cracks in the wall that I need to paint over. This is the mundane stuff that happens in my head. I am a clean freak these days but primarily, I always feel grateful. I honestly wake up most days and think “how?!” – I feel like I am ‘punching above’ with my whole life: my house, my job, my friendships, my hot husband. I think “how did I end up here? I don’t remember but it’s amazing”. I feel super grateful in my mind. That is quite a large narrative that makes me the way I am with joy and positivity. It’s because you can’t help it because you are so grateful… it exudes all the time! I am quite an extrovert and I want to connect with people all the time: I am on my phone a lot, sending voice notes and funny messages or organising calls in the evening. Most of what I do in my mind during the day is making sure I stay up to date with people’s lives. That makes me feel connected, alive and loved.
What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?
I am quite an outward facing person so I gain energy from other people. Relationships are a big thing in my life. I like feeling close with people and updated on their lives. I like knowing what to ask them the next time I see them. It makes people feel really valued and loved. I hold relationships very highly, definitely. Sometimes that equals people pleasing for me so I have to watch that. The guilt I spoke about comes from people pleasing. It’s an insatiable monster that makes you think you need to give out more than you can and you end up thinking you are never in the right with people. That is a stupid aspect of my brain that I would like to get better at. But in terms of love? What a strange notion. My notion of love in itself has morphed again since being married and the daily choices that entails. Seeing everything of another person and loving all of the good and bad bits. Learning to love someone “as is” and loving yourself “as is” and accepting that but not trying to change each other. Also, going out of your way to do something you don’t like because the other person you love likes it is hard but you do it. The notion of love is changing from being someone else to being an active participant in this life together.
What aspect of friendship do you value the most?
I have some friendships which I would see as more one way rather than two way. This is very honest! What I am trying to say is, because I am such a people person and that is my happy place, I sometimes attract people who just want to chat with me rather than we both chat together. The thing I value most in a friendship is that people want to know about me. It’s the asking of the questions. Just “how has your day been?”. Something as simple as that! The conversation isn’t just going one way. Someone wanting to know about me. Even this conversation, even if it’s for a blog, I am loving it because it feels like you are taking interest [Ed: “Oh, I am.”]. It doesn’t matter where that asking questions take place: in a park, at a meal, on your sofa with a glass of red, I don’t care how much has been spent or where we are or the effort made but it’s in the asking of the questions that I feel most valued. Reciprocity! It’s the exchange, the tit for tat. Being on the same page and feeling equal.
What do you do to make a positive impact on the world/others around you?
It’s an odd thing to think about what you’re good at but it’s good to acknowledge it. I think I am good at looking after people. It’s one of my favourite things to host people and cook for them. I have had it spoken over me that I would be a mother to many. This was in a Christian setting but, hypothetically speaking, I would have a lot of people coming to me to chill and be looked after. I feel alive when looking after others. Also, I am quite scared of saying stuff to people and coming across as a knowitall. For most of my friendships, when they come to me and are struggling, I will always be like “why don’t you talk to them?”. I will always have something I want to share: wisdom or a tidbit. There are lots of younger girls who want to talk to me about the music industry and I can tell them what I think. They appreciate that and recognise I might be a step ahead of them in the journey. I enjoy imparting wisdom in that way because it’s a pleasure for me to help people. Although, I do want to be careful that I am not judgemental, assumptious or bossy. I know I can be those things sometimes. Sometimes it’s easier for the person outside to see compared to the person inside. I am always fearful of being those three things, though.
What do you do to stay motivated?
Lists! They are all around my house. Books and books of lists. The thing that has made me thrive in all areas (managing a bar, being a songwriter, being involved in church stuff) is my organisational skills. The reason I have excelled at the things that I have been pushed into derives from me writing things down and I then I can’t not do it. I guilt trip myself into thinking it’s staring at me from the paper until I do it. I have a list of house jobs on my phone that I need to do – and I don’t need that list! – and that could be slightly on the neurotic side but it keeps me motivated.
What was your deciding factor to pursue songwriting?
There was a pivotal moment that I can tell you. I started writing songs at 13/14 on a rubbish Yamaha keyboard: it was more like jingles. I could hear melodies in my head but couldn’t play the piano and I didn’t want to write with anyone else because I was too embarrassed about my music (which was pretty much nursery rhymes). I have sang my whole life and I know I’m an alright singer but I thought it could never be a career. I went to NGM [New Generation Music] to study singing and street dance… Yes, that was me! At one point, there was a charity night and Ray Goudie, who was the leader who has now passed away unfortunately, he was encouraging us to go onto stage and say something that we wanted. He wanted us to be vulnerable. I was 18, really young and annoying, and I said “I want to write more songs”. Ray took the microphone off of me and said “as of this moment, I am taking you out of dance and putting you into a songwriting room. When they are dancing, you are writing songs”. From that point on, I was in a room by myself, songwriting. That was the first time I realised someone thought I was good enough to do that as a job. Over the years I identified what my writing style was and felt more confident in the ideas I was bringing. I became an artist myself and then started writing for other people. And today, I am a fully fledged songwriter. The moment I said it out loud was pivotal and Ray made that decision for me and pushed me. But it worked. Cheers Ray!
How does writing songs link to your personal life? And how does it affect your sense of accomplishment day to day?
Great question! Say the first half again. [laughs]. It is everything. Especially during COVID, I am self employed. I can write from the comfort of my own home which is amazing. Not many creators are like this but I love being my own boss. I get to organise all of my own time and schedule every week. My profession means my personal life is super chilled. It’s not work vs play because work is my dream job. I don’t have this “9 to 5” mentality. For me, I know I work harder in the week so then my weekends are chilled. I do tend to keep the weekend and week separate. The upside is you can say yes to the workload you have capacity for and you get paid for something you love. The downside is that you feel you should always be working. People email me all the time. I work with people in LA who are on an opposite time and I sometimes feel I have to respond to that straight away. Sometimes it is a lonely profession too. You have to find everything within yourself because, if it doesn’t come from you, it’s not going to happen. This sense of accomplishment thing is hard. In my logical, rational brain, I would say I have done over and above what I thought I would do. If I list my achievements out loud, I am like “never in a million years would that happen.” However, because the music industry is as it is, it makes you think you can always get bigger and better, and there is such a focus on statistics and likes, you constantly want to better your numbers and you are encouraged to do that. You have to keep beating your records. The only problem is you will never realise when you reach the top of the mountain. You don’t stand there and celebrate the big things: you are told to think your next video could get 2 million views next time and that robs your small celebratory moments from me and that’s not right.
What is your end goal in terms of your professional life?
I don’t know where I want to end up but I know what I want to achieve. I want to tour in China which could happen by the end of this year. I want to work with more younger female artists on a body of work: on an album and be their emotional support and songwriter. I would like, at some point, to transition to A&R label and manager side. I have seen so much of this side and I want to take that knowledge and wisdom and, by using my organisational skills, it would be a fun way to go. I do worry it would make super bitter [laughs] to see the reality of behind closed doors. Also, one of the bigger goals, I would love to own a studio with Robbie or build one in our back garden and people would come to us to record their album. Robbie would produce and I would songwrite and we could host along the way. It encompasses everything we are good at: hosting, writing, producing, organising, cooking, family time. That would be the dream for later on in life.
Katie’s final questions will go live on Sunday.
You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.
“Whatever makes you different can be your superpower.”
In these final eight questions, Stu and I discussed the other parts of him: from fears to aspirations; outlooks to the meaning of his life. Stu never held back with anything and laid his cards bare on the table which made for some incredible answers.
It’s been a joy to talk to Stu like this and I hope you have all taken something from it.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent this from taking over?
My biggest fear is loneliness. Being an only child, weirdly I am one of those people who doesn’t like their own company. I do stupid shit when I am on my own because my brain does a wobble. To end up being really lonely would be a nightmare. That is a fear of mine. My friends tell me to do things on my own (which I have done but they’re rubbish) because I do like to have people around me all the time – maybe in a co-dependant way but hopefully not. When I used to live on my own I found that really difficult. I prevent that by hitting people up to make plans but the older you get you realise that people don’t want to meet up in the week because of work. God forbid they get to bed after 10pm! Then the weekend comes and people want to chill out because they’ve had a tough week. You can end up scrambling for things to do or people to meet up with. Luckily enough, I live with Alessio so I always have company and I also have this dickhead [cat]. I didn’t have siblings to play with growing up and it did make me jealous of people who had that. Whenever I had friends round, I was always the person that said “Stay for tea! Play another game! A few more hours!” because I didn’t want to be on my own by the end of the evening.
What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
Not a lot. I’ve always wanted to do a YouTube channel and now I’ve started it. I’ve always wanted to draw or make a comic book but never got around to it because of the confidence thing. “There are better artists out there. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you putting pen to paper when people can do this better than you?” That instantly stops me doing things. The thing that is stopping me is literally my brain. I need to start drawing for fun again. Just doodle. I can always think of other things to do instead though. Last year, I wanted to do a drawing of each drag artist I know. I started with Ruby [Rawbone] and never did another. I had the wrong paper so bought a new pad but never started again. I used the paper to make little notes to send to people instead!
What type of outlook on life do you have? Are you naturally positive? Where do you think that comes from?
I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on life and that comes from the depressive side of my brain. That’s the most honest answer you’ll get from me. Part of my brain tries to say it’s realistic. I try to look for the best in people and think the best about them but in situations to do with me, I am always pessimistic. A pessimist is never disappointed as they say.
What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from it?
I can whittle this down to two things. From an early age, I have always read comics. I understood myself more when I started to read X-Men comics. The X-Men are an allegory for minorities, as we know. I was growing up and not understanding anything about my sexuality (because it was the 80s and 90s with Section 28) in a small town, you just hear and see things on TV and know that whatever you are is “wrong”. This is a comic I was reading where people were born different and they used that to celebrate themselves and help people. I was always reading Batman, Iron Man, Catwoman and they all wore masks. None of the X-Men did that except Wolverine. These people were out and proud. They had codenames but used their real names too. They were superheroes that didn’t mind seeing being seen and were proud to be different. Even Nightcrawler who had blue skin and looked like a monster! Everyone was afraid of him but he was really nice and religious… and didn’t wear a mask. He let people see him. Given that, I hid in the closet for so many years and I probably shouldn’t have. I still read that comic. It’s nice that that was being seen and they were in the public eye. It gave me an outlook of a) don’t judge a book by it’s cover and b) whatever makes you different can be your superpower. Second thing is obviously Garbage [band]. My mum always said she was worried I wouldn’t get into music because I was so into art and comics. She thought videogames would be my thing but she loves music. When I hit my teens, all I wanted to do was listen to music I went from pop to rave and everything that was around in the 90s: the weird hip-hop swing grunge. I latched onto that. I was the only one that gave a shit about NME, Melody Maker, Kerrang. Other people cared about what the Spice Girls were up to. In the 90s, indie rock was given the biggest platform it has ever been given. Female fronted bands had a massive surge in that time. It was huge – even that was in Smash Hits and on Top of the Pops. I enjoyed that part of it. These rebellious women were there and my brain instantly saw them as a woman in a man’s world doing something which men usually do [play rock music]. They were front and centre. They felt like me: not fitting in but not minding and doing my own thing, For some reason, Garbage came along. I heard “Vow” on the Evening Sessions and I remember having this massive stereo and the song started and, as soon as it kicked in and I listened to the lyrics, it kind of floored me. I sat on my ass to listen to the song. A few weeks later, they turned up on TV and from that moment there was something about it. These weird samples and hip-hop beats but it was rock and heavy and didn’t sound like BritPop. I saw the band and she was so striking. So beautiful but not conventionally so. The rest of the band looked like weird old men. I responded to that because they were freaks. I liked it. I saw an interview with Shirley and she was so forthright and very outspoken. Then that was it. I thought “this is what I’m into”.
What song should we listen to whilst reading about you?
Something by Garbage. I dunno though. I’d say either “Queer” by Garbage (for obvious reasons) or my favourite song is “Push It”.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
Music. The reason why is because the same song can mean completely different things to completely different people. It can create some beautiful memories that can help you out. You do a lot of healing with music – not like panpipes – but you can stuff to people’s lives with music.
Random acts of kindness that happen between strangers. I quite like that. I like to do something nice in the moment. You might never see them again but you’ve had a moment where you’ve helped them out for no other reason than you’re another reason and I should help you. I find that beautiful but the way we are now is mistrusting and it doesn’t happen often. People don’t want their actions to be misconstrued and that’s a shame.
Connecting at the end of a night. I have so many memories of being with all my friends in a circle after a gig or club night and we would all be singing at each other at the top of our voices. Having that connection is really beautiful and something I always remember.
Support. I mean all types of support. It might mean nothing to one person but means something to someone else. Not necessarily being supportive, not like “I’m always there for you” but I have people on Facebook who never come to my shows or live near me but, for algorithms sake, they will share an event of mine. It helps with reach and that kind of support is beautiful. There are some people I haven’t seen since school but it’s that little “I’ve got you” wink can mean a lot to someone. It’s really strange that we don’t all do it. It doesn’t take a lot to support someone. It doesn’t have to be monetary either! It can be showing up or a recommendation or sending a playlist. Everything creates ripples in my head.
Purple is beautiful.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?
Long! [laughs] and Wide! No. There isn’t one word but it would be doing a little bit of everything. My thing is that, for years, I have tried to do so many different things. People might see that as a lack of focus but I am always looking for new things which I want to give a go and see where it takes me. Everything in my life has led onto something else. I met a guy at a job who wanted to go to gigs but didn’t have anyone to go with so I started going with him. We started a Facebook group where we reviewed the shows and then a magazine reached out to us to write articles for them but we had to take down the group on Facebook because we were taking all of their traffic. They didn’t say it in those express words but they wanted us. It reached a point where I could pick and choose what I wanted to go to because I was so reliable. That ended up with me going to BeachBreak festival to review for them. I got given free swag and backstage access which was amazing. I ended up blagging my way into various interviews and I met everyone on the bill: Friendly Fires, LadyHawke and shit loads of people. The pinnacle was Dizzee Rascal. I realised I didn’t mind doing that or being on camera and that got me into managing a band. I managed them for a little bit. Through managing a band, I started putting on my own gigs so we did the whole thing ourselves. I did it all: marketing; posters; social media. Through that, I realised I enjoyed putting on events which led into me doing makeup for Halloween gigs and then I wanted to be a special effects makeup artist. Then I did bits and bobs for magazines which, years later, fed into Punka. Everything felt random with me trying everything but it’s all followed on. For the past ten-fifteen years, I’ve done it all and it’s all paid off with Punka.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
I don’t think we do know. I don’t think anyone’s life has to have meaning. It’s what you do with it that should matter. The legacy you leave. If you’re a bit of a shit in your life, that’s what you’ll be remembered for. If I’m only remembered for Punka, then I don’t mind that. Asking big questions like this is all good but it’s the little things you do which make bigger ripples in life which affects other people. Not being a dick is what I’m here for. I’m just trying to put a bit of positivity out.
After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I’ve learnt that I talk a lot. I love a natter. I’ve got a long way to go in the way I see myself in terms of my confidence in myself and my abilities. That’s my problem. This week has been a really good example. In my interview, I outlined my strengths and weaknesses. My weakness is that I can do whatever I put my mind to – anyone can – but the problem is my brain letting me do it. It’s that imposter syndrome. I’ve been at Punka and you have been like “look at this! You have created this!” but I can’t cope. It’s like something else happens. [Ed: “But it’s not because you have made that happen!”] Yeah, I know but my brain won’t let me think that! In the last year of Punka, I started getting up at the end of the show to say a few words and that has helped with a lot of confidence. That has spiralled into me being confident enough to do a music show and go live on Twitch which then gave me confidence to do a YouTube channel. I work on my confidence with all of these things but it doesn’t stop it from being a thing.
“I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see each other anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality.”
There was a huge hail storm which interrupted my chat with Stu a few weekends ago but that didn’t stop us from tackling the big subjects. I have never really had the chance to connect with him on this level so it was an absolute joy to talk through all things queer, fantastic, dark, hopeful and hereditary. In this first interview, Stu takes us through his family history, not being accepted for his homosexuality as well as just how much love he has for his partner (and cat).
These are the first 8 of 25 questions I asked Stu and we get straight into the nitty gritty of life.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
Stu. Almost 40. Massive nerd. Bald. Been bald since I was 20. Mentally ill. Yay! Always wanted to be something but don’t think I ever will be. I’m a gig promoter and I run a club night in my spare time for my sins. I’m a big, massive queer.
What has your experience with COVID been like?
Oh this is going to be really short. It’s been great. I’m incredibly lucky to have Alessio [partner] and I cannot say that enough. As two people who suffer from mental health issues, when one is down the other one supports. The fact that we are so similar in terms of our interests means that we can sit down and complete a video game together or watch a whole series of something. I think we have completed horror. Every night without fail we would put the projector on and trawl through. I know there are a lot of people who are having a bad time and really suffering. I do miss my friends. I haven’t seen my mum and my auntie since August which is tough. He [Alessio] hasn’t seen him family since August and that’s even tougher because they are in another fucking country. I’m really lucky in the sense that we respect each other’s space. He can go into the room and play switch and I will go to find him later because I am super needy. When I got made redundant, there was no point where he felt like he really had to push me to get a job. It made me feel so much better because, even though I was fucking stressed out, I do feel like I have landed on my feet with this one. He is ridiculously supportive. I also realised something the other day when someone wrote on one of my statuses saying they felt guilty because some people were being really prolific in this lockdown. Loads of my friends have created businesses but I just wanted to get through it. I just wanted to survive. Maybe I needed this time to just chill out. I don’t want people to feel bad that other people are being prolific now because maybe we were entertaining them whilst they were sitting on their asses before all of this happened. Maybe it’s their fucking turn [laughs]. I don’t feel like I’ve had too bad a time.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you’re well?
HA! Physical health, I’m currently a blancmange trying to fit into a pair of slacks. I’ve always had a weird thing where I don’t want to rave about body positivity because I’m not always particularly proud of my physicality. I have to say being the size I am is incredibly difficult to find clothes which makes me feel like a bag of shit. However, I don’t let it stop me from doing things I want to do. I don’t think my size impacts my confidence too much when I have things to say. I don’t look after myself physically too much but I do like to eat relatively well. My problem is that I eat really healthy but I don’t exercise so I get really fat. Mental health wise I try to take care of myself much more. I have suffered from depression since my early teens and it comes in waves. I got to my worst at 17 – my parents were splitting up which was a whole thing. I was really messed up and in a dark place. Ever since then, it’s felt weird that nothing has ever got to that point again. Whenever it comes, it’s always like aftershocks. Little ripples. It’s not as bad as it has been before but it’s bad enough for me to recognise it. The good thing is I can recognise when my mental health is suffering and I do try to combat it. Usually company helps with me so just having someone to chat to or just sit down and watch a film with helps. I do try and look after myself in a way that I don’t overrun myself with the things to do which I know I won’t achieve without stressing myself out. Also, I feel I’m in a place where I can identify when things are going tits up, I can talk about that with people. I either can or can’t explain what is happening in that moment but I can say “I’m having a bad time mentally and I need to do this or this to feel right again”. I feel lucky in the sense that I have never had to medicate myself. I’ve had brushes with suicide in my teens and I never want it to get that bad again so I am not opposed to medication but I feel lucky I’ve never have had to have done it. Overall, I think I look after others moreso than myself in some respects but I know when I have reached my limit so that’s when everyone else can fuck off basically!
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
I think I’m still making massive errors of judgement in people. I’m still making mistakes in terms of how close to keep them. I’ve got such a good support network of people and strangely that has come from Punka [Stu’s queer night which he runs]. The people which are the closest to me are the performers and promoters. It’s weird to think of that. I have become more than a person who has hired them: more than a boss. You want them to do well and you want to support and represent them because they are representing you. In some cases, it’s gone way beyond that. These friends are some of the only people I have seen in lockdown. I have friends of 20 years who haven’t text me since lockdown started. It feels like with these Punka friends, we are all in the same boat. You all understand what you’re trying to do and what you want to do. When you find out you have things in common then you work on that friendship. I have a good support group but it’s something which has only happened in the last 3 years.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I’m from a family who are quite big on my mum’s side and on my dad’s side – not so much. I don’t know either side very well. My nan was the oldest of 11 kids so there were a lot of aunties and uncles. Every year for the past 40 years, they have spelt my name wrong. The cards are either formula 1, football or golf. That shows how much I don’t know my family. I’m very similar to my mum because she is really nerdy. She has a decent sense of humour and a very short fuse. The older I get, the more I respect that because she doesn’t suffer fools. The older she gets, the more she is calming down so people are walking over her which is frustrating. In my teenage years, we butted heads a lot but now we are really close. She is the best. Super supportive. I was always the weird kid: like most of us queers, you feel like something is wrong. I grew up in the 80s in a small town and didn’t know what gay was. The problem was my dad wanted me to be like him. A lot of parents think you are going to have a carbon copy of yourself. What they don’t understand is that your kid is a sum of those parts but it’s essentially a completely new being: it might not be like either of you. My dad realised I was not like anything he had come across before. I was always drawing and reading comic books. My mum was like a crack dealer for comics. If I ever did well in school or did chores, she would put in a comic in our little cupboard. She used to nurture this thing I loved about art and drawing. She knew that’s what I was into. My dad was like “why the fuck aren’t you playing football?”. They grew apart quite quickly and the problem is the fact that I would have been the youngest of three: my mum had two miscarriages and almost lost me. That created a big rift. I am “technically” the youngest child and we know that the youngest child is the gay one. Unfortunately [Ed: “not unforunately, we are fucking great.”] they ended up with the gay one. My dad didn’t like that and wasn’t on board with a lot of what I was into. I was in college before they split up and I did my final show where I turned an area into my own exhibition. I made a website of my work, like a rudimentary website from the 90s, and I was super proud of it. My mum saw it and was like “not even because you are my son but you have smashed this” but my dad saw everyone crowded around it, shook his head and walked out. In the end, we left and my mum said “me and your dad fell out because he was watching some lads playing football and asked why you weren’t doing that instead.” He wasn’t a fan, he just didn’t get it. It turned out that he was the first person I came out to. I wanted him on board and wanted his approval. After they split up, we went to the cinema to watch “The Faculty” and I really enjoyed it. He was fidgeting the whole way through so I knew he didn’t. He used to say “pie in the sky” which was his term for bullshit. It was bullshit to him. I stupidly said “we don’t have a lot in common, do we?”. And he said “no, you’re not the son I wanted.” He listed off loads of things to do with the things I was into and how he didn’t understand them. He told me “you’re too emotional, I feel like I’m raising a poof” and I told him he was. He dismissed it all, saying the break up was too stressful. He told me not to tell my friends because they wouldn’t want to see me anymore and said that neither did he. I didn’t get upset. I was in shock. I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see eachother anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality. I knew I was gay but I was going to play it straight for a while because that’s what I was meant to do. That led to me faking that I was into women but almost coming off as asexual for years. I didn’t come out until I was 33 because of it. You just lock it away. If my dad can’t even take this, what now? I have not seen him since that day. I haven’t seen him since 1999. My mum was invited to a funeral from my dad’s side recently and she went. It took her 15 minutes of watching this old man to realise it was my dad. She could not recognise him. The years hadn’t been kind to him and maybe that was the bitterness? It’s been a weird road of figuring out those past traumas that can do things to your brain. I wouldn’t say it’s messed me up in any other way than my sexuality. It taught me a massive lesson about people and the names that we give to people. Just because someone is your dad doesn’t mean they can’t be a piece of shit. They can still disappoint you and they don’t have to be in your life. If they are toxic and do things to mess you up, you don’t need to keep them around just because you are related to them. It made me realise that family isn’t always who you are related to because of blood. It helped me when I came out because I could create a chosen family and I am just as close if not closer to people who I have just met and who have had the same situation as me. You go through that separately and the trauma can help you grow together. I am much richer in terms of family because I don’t limit it to who I am related to.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
I would say new music. I tend to get sent a lot of music because of what I do and it’s nice that people have found me quite trusting in that sense. They will send me the mastered version of their EP before it’s released. That makes me realise I can reach out to other people and be inspired by what they are doing too. Music is a massive inspiration for me. Music inspires me to do other stuff. Like a song will make me want to make a poster or start a playlist or create a YouTube video. Hearing one song can mess me up for months!
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion/something you really enjoy?
Firstly, what I do now for a living I’ve only been doing for a week. I’ve just started as a claims handler for DPD. It’s not what I want to do but I’ve slowly come to realise that that isn’t always the best thing. Whereas before, I was on furlough and working in TV. I had been working in TV for 5 years. I had always wanted to do that. I’ve got a degree in film and I got several jobs when I finished uni which weren’t to do with TV. My brain and my confidence didn’t let me go for it. Then when I got into TV, I realised it wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted to do. It’s a weird industry. It’s very much “who you know” and it’s a really strange place to go if you’re looking to get ahead without stepping on people. I’m not a fan of that. It turned into a bittersweet thing about being in the industry you like but deep down inside you know it’s not the one. I realised though that your job doesn’t have to be fulfilling and you can do stuff you care about outside of work.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
Bald. BALD! Fat and bald. That’s about it. I don’t feel like I’m particularly remarkable in the way I look. In terms of my personality, I find that people feel I’m quite disarming. When I worked in films, I was a runner and whenever we had high profile clients coming in, my boss would get me to go in there. He always knew I was unflappable and wouldn’t get flustered or make a tit of myself. I would be reasonably professional if they wanted a chat and wouldn’t make it awkward. I knew how to handle the situation. The younger runners might have tried it on to get contacts and being all *jazz hands*. Even though I don’t like being the centre of attention, I do like being heard and seen. Disarming in that way.
What is the biggest hardship you faced in your life?
I don’t feel like I’ve had a particularly tough life. I know we didn’t have a lot of money when we were younger and we gave up a lot to give my dad his dream. That time was tough. The hardest bit came when my parents separated and I realised I couldn’t go to uni. I got into a course and got a job in Virgin Megastore in Nuneaton and had to start again. Me and my mum had no money. That monetary hardship was the worst. Having to build yourself up from ground level. There was a shame in going to college and not being able to afford the dinners and having to use your loan smartly. In terms of emotional hardships, anything before me coming out I found weirdly tough. Just because I knew I wasn’t being my genuine self.
“I don’t think people realise how much it’s affected me because of how it happened.”
It felt natural that I moved from one close friend to another, someone who I don’t see enough of. Hayley has never been one to talk openly about her feelings and aspirations so these conversations felt needed yet organic. In this first part of her interview, Hayley discusses her time in the army, how the NHS has struggled duing COVID as well as just how much her friends’ deaths have affected her.
Hayley’s pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Hayley Joyce, if everyone wants to know that. I’m 29. I’m in my twenties, literally counting down the days until I’m old and then – mid life crisis. Shit! Anyway, I’m a nursing assistant in a children’s hospital and I work in day surgery so children will come in and have simple procedures then go home on the same day. I have a crazy dog called Daisy and a beautiful boyfriend who I live in Bristol with. Oh and I love musicals!
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion/something you really enjoy?
I guess a lot of people ask this question: “Am I in the right job? What would I do differently if I could pick anything?” The answer is: I have no idea what else I would do. Healthcare is all I have ever done. After leaving school, I went to college and did health and social care then I joined the army as a medic and then my path has followed on from that! I went to do health care at the hospital as a nursing assistant. I do enjoy it even though all of my friends think I don’t like children yet I work at a children’s hospital which sounds crazy but I think children are a lot easier to work with. In terms of working with adults in a hospital, it’s a lot more physical work (like personal care and mobility aid) but the parents are generally there with the children. Over time, I have grown to like children and I’ve had a niece and a nephew in the past few years so I know how to be around children now. Before, I was like “oh, here’s a baby. What do I do now it’s crying?!”.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you’re well?
I love food. I am probably on the obese side if you saw my BMI but I’ve been taking part in a boot camp: Tom [partner] and I joined in July and we are still going. Everyone is surprised we are still committed. Four times a week I will exercise. I try to eat healthy but I love sweet things. Exercise is helping so I go for a lot of runs because it’s nice to be outside. All of the fitness classes are happening on zoom in my living room and I find myself getting lost easily so getting out helps to clear my mind.
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network e.g big circle of close friends, great family etc?
Yeah, definitely. There’s a group of us that left school and we are still friends. With Jyothi passing away, we are so close and that brought us closer. We don’t see each other a lot but that has bonded us for life. Family too, yeah. Lockdown hasn’t helped. My relationship with my mum is a weird one and I have found it difficult not being able to see my family often. I have a great relationship with my dad and step-mum. Lockdown rules have meant I’m not seeing my nephew as much as I’d like. I like to think my family is supportive though.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
I would say I’m quite a boring person so this is hard. I just get on with it. What gets me out of bed in the morning? I don’t know! I just do it. I’ve got to pay bills and stay busy. That’s a bit of a shit answer, isn’t it? Maybe it’s something you do naturally and don’t really think about it. I like to keep busy and I get bored if I’m not doing something.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
My parents separated when I was 5. My dad was always around but my mum’s dad lived with us: he was a role model for us growing up. He was a father figure even though my dad was around too. We loved my grandad and when he passed away it was really sad. I would describe my mum as not being motherly. We weren’t very huggy or kissy and we never had that relationship. She wasn’t someone I could go and talk to. We weren’t really like that. I think this is why I have developed quite a close relationship with my friend’s parents. Maybe I was looking for a bond that I missed out on.
What has your experience with COVID been like?
To be honest, it’s not actually been that bad. Especially working in the hospital, children haven’t been affected too much compared to adults. After the peak of Christmas and New Year, when the numbers spiked, children’s day surgery got cancelled in the middle of January and our ward turned into an adult in-patient ward to help out another hospital. They didn’t have any beds left. That was a big change and I hadn’t looked after adults for a very long time. It’s a 24 hour service and I worked every weekend. It was difficult because it was physically hard work: I would come home so tired and it was taking all of my energy. Being on your own as a nursing assistant is really hard because the nurses crack on and do meds on their rounds and you can feel alone. There were some really hard things which happened and that annoyed or upset me. I don’t know how I feel about it. If we had extra help, we could have met all of those needs. We could have helped more. That really frustrated me. But now I think to myself “maybe I’ve done something which helped others during COVID?” and I think I have. Home life has been fine. In the first lockdown, Tom and I argued over petty things but it’s definitely affected a lot of relationships. Nobody we know got ill from COVID, thank God.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
I’m just so blunt. I say it how it is. Is that nice? I tend to think that people look at me and think I’m average: dark hair, average height. We all blend in the same. My personality shines through.
What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?
Friends’ deaths. It’s happened twice in my life and I’m not even 30 yet. I’m getting upset, I’m sorry. It’s coming up to an anniversary now and I think it will be one of those I’ll never be able to talk about without getting upset. I know she has loads to be remembered for but you can’t help think of the sad things. I’m crying about this so maybe I’m not dead on the inside. I don’t think people realise how much it’s affected me because of how it happened. We don’t know how it happened. It was in Canada but it wasn’t simple and we don’t have answers. It’s a bizarre story. It was the shock of it for me. With Rob, we knew he had cancer and we knew the diagnosis wasn’t great. It was still a shock but we sort of expected it because there was nothing else anyone could do. But this one, it was a shock. She was travelling, living her dream, seeing the world and then gone. You’ve got to be strong and it’s sad and I will have these moments where I’m upset but life does move on and you have to move forward. These people wouldn’t want me to live life as a miserable mess forever: they would be like “get out there and see the world!”. Jyothi enjoyed that and I want to be like that.
Hayley’s next 8 questions will feature on Wednesday.
You can see more of what Hayley has been up to on her Instagram.
” I had to pretend that everything was fine and be a face for this company that I was really struggling with. I felt like I had been chewed up and spat out. Even today, it still hurts.”
It seems fitting that the first person we are meeting is somebody I have known for most of my life and, yet, when we started talking on a rainy February evening, I heard things I had never known about Alice. We touched on her passion for graphic design, what it means to be “COVID fine” and her decade long journey to becoming a Coffee Master.
These are the first 8 questions I asked Alice and, as always, we only touched the surface.
Alice’s pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
Hi! My name is Alice Thomas. I am 27 years old; born, bred and currently living in Bristol. I recently graduated from Bath Spa University – I got a degree in graphic communication. I am awaiting a design residency which is in collaboration with the university and that’s really exciting. I’ve also worked in coffee for 11 years and am a coffee ambassador for the south west of England which means I talk about coffee so you can make me a coffee and we’ll talk about it all day.
What has your experience with COVID been like?
A bit dogshit. Would you like me to elaborate?! So, I feel like there’s this new term of “COVID fine” in the sense that, thankfully, all of my friends and family are still alive. Those that had COVID have been able to make full recoveries so that’s brilliant. I guess that’s what this really all comes down to. I still have a job, whilst I am currently furloughed and have been three times, I have something to go back to which not everybody has the luxury to say. But you know with the hierarchy of needs, I guess my core needs are taken care of however, the further you go up the pyramid, that’s where things are lacking. I am somebody who is incredibly social – I love spending time with people in my life and I’ve not been able to do that so that is something I have really struggled with. I also really enjoy travelling and going to other places with people and making more memories and. Also, my career has taken a hit as well. I graduated in summer 2020 and I had every plan to be in relevant employment associated with my undergrad and that has not happened. I’ve stayed in the same job role just because the creative sector is taking an absolute beating at the moment. I am not where I wanted to be in my career but I have a job so I am trying to look on the bright side of life. Things could be better…
Reflect on your mental and physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well every day?
Great question! I believe that my self care regime/journey goes in waves. I would say there are some times where I am really considerate of myself and considerate of how I am looking after myself both mentally and physically. But then there are times where that will slip and that is something that I, well…. it’s inconsistent. If you want it in one word, it’s “inconsistent”. But that is something that I am trying to work on. Physically? This month, I’ve not been working out a lot but I really am looking forward to getting in to doing some more yoga. I also follow a plant based diet which I think is great and I am really happy with that decision. I think mentally everyone’s a little bit fragile in the current circumstances and I am trying to look after myself as best I can.
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Absolutely 100%, I am really fortunate to both have an incredible relationship with both of my parents and my brother. I’ve got one older brother and I would say we are pretty close. I also come from a very typical nuclear family – my parents are still together after 30+ years – and I’m really thankful for all that they do. I cannot say enough good things about Mr and Mrs Thomas! I am really lucky in the friends boat as well. I have been so fortunate in my life to come across a myriad of wonderful people that I am proud to call friends. I feel 110% that I have wonderful people around me and I am wholeheartedly supported by the network that I was both with and have also gone on to cultivate myself.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I think overall a pretty positive one. I think that, as I said, as an adult I have a very positive and close relationship with my parents. I would say that everybody has growing pains as they are growing up and dealing with authority and change. I feel particularly my Dad and I would clash quite a lot simply because we are both quite headstrong people. If that’s the tea that you are after! My dad and I are very similar so when we are on the same page, we can have a laugh but often if we are at loggerheads, I wouldn’t want to be caught in the crossfire. Overall growing up, my parents provided for me everything that they could – I come from a working class family but we were lucky enough to have a car and go on holiday once a year. I think they are luxuries that people cannot afford so I am thankful for my upbringing.
Where do you find your daily inspiration?
I watch a lot of online video: I do enjoy YouTube as a platform. I think a lot of YouTube in greater media gets a lot of bad slack for eating tidepods or Logan Paul but actually if you dig deeper, I think online video is here to stay. I would say, as somebody who is a print maker, I really do enjoy inspiration through processes. I find that as someone who has done a creative subject at uni and wishes to pursue that further, that I find my creative ignition comes from within having a play and just doing: as Nike would say. Just scribbling stuff down or making prints or whatever, it often evolves as you continue to create so I find the creative process is very inspirational. I also love music and I listen to a lot of music so that has always been a big inspo for me.
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion?
I am currently a barista and coffee ambassador. I wouldn’t say it’s my main passion but it’s something that I am passionate about and do enjoy.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
I am trying to think of how to answer this! I think people notice my hair because whilst it is (well, pink at the moment) very long, it’s typically a physical attribute that people will talk to me about. If I’ve got my hair down, they will mention my hair and ask if it’s real which is interesting. I think people think I’m personable and up for a chat or a laugh. I often find strangers telling me their life stories so that’s got to be a good thing, right? I’ve been told I’m a conversationalist.
What do you think is the biggest hardship that you’ve faced in your life so far?
Oooh! I think “biggest hardship” is objective but I think the thing that has hurt the most the longest would be when the store I worked in closed. I worked in the same coffee shop for 9 years and I put a lot of effort and hard work in there so to sit in a meeting and be told “sorry, it’s not making enough money” when you’ve put your heart and soul into something is a tough pill to swallow. I found the subsequent process of potentially being reallocated or made redundant very hard because also I’m looking at how am I going to support myself as a student (at the time). Not only was it a tough situation due to the status I had within the company I work for, I travel around for my job and administer training across the country. I had to pretend that everything was fine and be a face for this company that I was really struggling with and I felt like I had been chewed up and spat out. Even today, it still hurts.
Alice’s next 8 questions will feature soon.
You can find more of Alice on her YouTube channel, Twitter and Instagram. She is also contactable through her website here.
HOW TO BE; 