Tag: Emotions

“If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.” – Jamie Tworkowski.

I have started this year all wrong. Everything I promised myself, I have consciously ignored. I’ve drunk wine. I haven’t done any exercise. I’ve spent far too moments sat with anxiety. And I haven’t written anything.

But that’s the good thing about New Years Resolutions: they are bullshit. You don’t have to wait until the dawning of a 366th day to start something new. Yesterday is the best time to start bettering yourself.

With every failure comes a crippling sense of despair; a never-ending loop of self-absorption, bitterness and fury all whilst lacking any wherewithal to improve. But really, what are these failures if not just examples of “being”. Maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s fear or maybe it’s pride… But I am being lazy, being fearful and being too proud. Sometimes I am grateful just to be, even if it feels like it’s never enough. Or far too much. One day, there won’t be any more time to just be.

I want this piece to be a challenge, not only to myself but to you reading. A challenge to think in a different way. I am naturally drawn to the negatives of everything. I have spent 30+ years preparing for a worst case scenario so that if (and/or when) it happens, I am prepared for any turmoil that comes with it. If it doesn’t pan out in a catastrophe, then what an unexpected joy I can bask in. This is a challenge to consciously seek out the things which bring you joy.

Gratitude is a word which is thrown around but never really picked apart. Why is being grateful so important? What power does it possess? What does it really do for a human who can only live in the moment? It’s something which is best understood in times gone by: in moments of reflection, pining or heartbreak. What would you do if somebody told you to sit and think of ten things you are grateful for in this very moment? How easy would it be to reel off a meaningful, honest list? For me, nigh on impossible.

A colleague of mine signed up to a wellbeing app which asks you a question every morning. At the end of last year, on one of our last working days together, it asked her “what do you feel most grateful for today?”. She told me it took her far too long to tune into her gratitude but she ended up with the answer: her legs. She uses them to dance. And run. And they let her walk to places she wants to see. It was an alien concept that took me the best part of a month to digest: her best friend is in a wheelchair. At one point or another, we all take something for granted which others were once grateful for. Youth. Beauty. Memory. Happiness. Freedom.

It’s not the start of the year which has made me reflect. It’s just the side route my broken brain has taken me on. Whilst there is bad in everything, and it’s far too easy recognise, I have to remind myself that there can be good in those places too. That being said, here are some of the things I feel truly grateful for. Maybe you do too.

• The internet can answer nearly every question we have in a heartbeat (depending on your provider and SafeSearch settings).
• Music exists and saves lives every waking minute.
• Love is real. So many different kinds.
• Animals are the purest souls on the planet and have absolutely no awareness of that fact.
• We can heal: our skin can be mended and so can our hearts and brains.
• Most lip balms really work.
• You can create your own chosen family.
• A lot of art is free and accessible.
• Celebrating others’ successes doesn’t take away from your own.
• Maths is a universal language. So is smiling.
• Drag artists are the mascots of the queer community. And drag is mainstream now.
• We are getting closer and closer to finding a cure for cancer.
• A lot of people really care about how music is made: how it’s written, produced and delivered is just as important as how it sounds and charts.
• Wearing black will always be timeless.
• Accomplishments and tragedies bring us closer together. There is no light without darkness. But there also can’t be darkness without light.
• Cruelty free products are fashionable and on the rise.
• There will forever be an abundance of emotionally damaged female singer/songwriters. I hope that lasts forever.
• People can forgive and forget.
• Modern medicine works.
• Our jobs are not our lives. We have so many outlets that don’t exist in a professional environment. We are learning to work to live, not live to work.
• Words are powerful.
• There is still some time. For you. For me. For all of us.

I have to say it again. “It’s okay. If you feel too much, there’s still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.”

2024 started with a whimper and not a bang. It’s taken me too long to just sit and let myself be; to think about how I feel and what I want to say. It’s taken me too long to get over the fear of writing again. It’s turns out that what I needed to focus on my gratitude was more time. And what is another year if not more time?

More than anything, and maybe for the first time in my life, I am grateful for some more time. I hope you are too.

xo