Loss – HOW TO BE;

HANNAH; reflective;

“Now I understand what a healthy support system feels like.”

Hannah’s interview comes to a hugely reflective end as she touches on where she has come from, where she is now, and where she wants to be. She might not have all of the answers just yet but that hasn’t stopped Hannah discussing how she finds beauty in the mundane, how her mind works like a puzzle and how she is coming to terms with uncertainty.

Hannah’s pronouns are “she/her”.

What is your biggest fear and how do you prevent that from taking over?

I have two: one is a personal fear and the other is a career fear. The personal fear may be irrational but I am terrified of my family dying and I think that is pretty obvious. And actually, on reflection, quite rational. What do I do to stop that? I just ignore it! Repress, repress, repress. It’s going to happen but we will cross that bridge when it comes. I have experience of an immediate family member dying and that was horrendous. Because I know how that felt, I am fearful of feeling that pain again. I know it’s going to happen and because I am only child, I am scared of being that alone but I, even though you can prepare yourself for that, I don’t want it to happen. I try not to think about that. The career fear is not achieving my dreams. That is one of my biggest ones. Now that I am 30, and not quite running out of time, it’s making me realise all of the pressure we put on ourselves. I am nowhere near when I want to be. The pandemic has stopped so much. My mind says “well, we are here now and nowhere near where we want to be so let’s keep trying”. I am scared I won’t be a successful actor. I think therapy really helps with that. If I think about it too much, I will spiral but it’s about finding joy outside of that. Acting is not the be all and end all. I have to find things which fulfil outside of this part of me otherwise we are [she whispers] fucked.

What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?

That’s really hard! The first thing that comes to mind is that I would love to own my own flat in London but that is not something we can check back on easily. There are a lot of steps involved. Number 1 is making money and the property ladder is too hard to get on. A realistic thing? Let’s say a genuine thing is that I want to leave the pub and invest more time and money in acting. Actually! I can answer that. Something I really want to do is be a full time, freelance actor. It’s not because I really hate the pub because I am in a very privileged position where my job does allow for flexibility to pursue my acting career. It gives me stability to go off and do other things. My boss is actually my friend too which is fantastic. It’s just that the pub is not creatively fulfilling for me which makes it quite difficult to do. I would like to, at some point, give that up and put all of my attention and effort into my acting career and I am doing that now. I want to keep the same peace and control of my time in lockdown throughout my entire life because this does actually make me really happy. Why I’m not doing that now is because I am not financially in a position to be full time freelance just yet. My plan was to save enough money to support myself for 6 months so I can take a sabbatical of some sort but I need to have a financial cushion. London is really expensive to live in. When things re-open, and I get a full salary, I will save more and push harder at the career.

What type of outlook on life do you have? Where do you think that comes from?

I am quite impulsive, quite spontaneous I think. Wait. Am I spontaneous? I would like to think I am more spontaneous that I am. I am definitely still impulsive: I do move through life taking each day as it comes. I don’t do a lot of forward planning which works against me sometimes. I don’t really have a clear idea of where I am going. I know where I want to be but I am so unsure of myself in terms of how to get there. I don’t always trust my judgement in where I am going so it’s hard to navigate my way through life with a plan. I would like to be more positive even though I do have a positive outlook on life. I just doubt myself every step of the way so I I feel more cynical. Interestingly, I was having a conversation with my mum because she always says “I don’t know what happened. You were such a confident child!” And when I talk to her about my mental health, self-worth and self-esteem, she is confused because she doesn’t know where it’s come from. We share that confusion. In some ways, I am extroverted and a confident person but I think that is a front that I actually believe. I don’t know where things changed. I was a confident child and I am still am to an extent but there is so much doubt. It might be because I am not where I want to be and I’m not getting there as fast as I had hoped which is causing me to have so much doubt and feel really insecure which affects my self-esteem. I am truly a positive and confident person but, because things aren’t happening how I thought they would happen, it’s causing my to struggle internally. I am internalising the rejection I face and it’s making me doubt myself and that is where the shift has come from. I couldn’t tell you when that started but I would love to be fearless again, like when I was younger. There is such a sense of playfulness in childhood and everything is fun. There is so much curiosity and you lose that when you are older because you are bogged down by responsibility and that sucks! You’ve got to find that sense of play and silliness. That’s joy, isn’t it?

What book/album/film/artist/play has changed your life? What did you take from it?

I saw Alice’s answer to this question. [Ed: “Oh wow, you’re a fan.”] When I said I read your blog, I really do read it! I knew I would struggle with this because I will have no idea. Do you know what? The thing that got me really excited about performing. I had a VHS of “Annie/Oliver”: it was a two film VHS and I used to watch those two films all the time as a kid, just over and over and over again. I first really got excited about performance through watching musicals. I wanted to be all singing and all dancing and that matched my personality so much as kid. My favourites would be “Annie”, “Oliver”, “West Side Story”, “Chicago” (with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellwigger and Queen Latifa. LOVE. THAT. FILM.) [Hannah proceeds to sing “He Had It Coming” nearly in full]. I love a group song and dance number. It literally brings tears to my eyes. If I hear an orchestral piece of music, and I hear that choir of voices, it moves something in me. I feel like I’m going to cry now thinking about it. It feels and sounds lovely: those harmonies, this community of people working together to create this, I want to be a part of it. I guess that is what changed my life. Musicals changed my life? How gross. I am not a musical theatre person, that is not my industry but I love musicals so much. It’s that old school Hollywood vibe. I just love it.

What song should we listen to whilst reading this about you?

Oh my god. Okay, give me two seconds. I did a desert islands discs interview for a show two years ago. I am going to go with “Black Gold of the Sun” by Rotary Connection. I really like that song. It’s just one of my favourite songs.

Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.

The natural world. It’s so intricate and connected: it’s magical.
Deep and meaningful connections with human beings. We need them for support. Life is easier when you have people around you that want to help. I keep banging on about this but it’s because it’s only recently that I have allowed people in to support me in that way. Now I understand what a healthy support system feels like.
Finding small pockets of joy in the mundane. You have to find joy where you can in these times. The world is so brutal that you’ve got to find small sparkles of joy. Grab the joy where you can.
Delicious food. I guess that is connected to small joys in life. Actually taking the time to enjoy what you are eating or what is nourishing you. I feel like food can sometimes be seen as an inconvenience: it can get in the way. Or you have a working lunch or be on your phone/watching TV whilst you are eating. But then you don’t enjoy what you are doing. You need to take time to enjoy what nourishes you.
Rest. Is that beautiful or necessary?! That is connected to taking care of oneself. Actually no, scrap that. I think it should be the choir of voices that I spoke about earlier.

If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what it would be and why?

A jigsaw puzzle. I am piecing it together. Not fragmented because that feels like scattered parts. It’s not broken up like that. I am referring back to the analogy of fitting my way through my day. Through my life, it feels like Crystal Maze. You have to complete the task and then pass through to the next section. It’s a mad scramble like “this fits in this hole, that doesn’t work so let’s try something else, try to cut it in half RIGHT that’s worked, onto the next thing”. It has felt like trying to fit different parts of a puzzle together. I have all of the pieces but they might not work at that time. There is a bigger picture but we have lost the jigsaw box. We have the outline, the edges are there, but we are working on trying to figure out the picture. There has got to be something that joins them.

What do you think the meaning of your life is?

[laughs] I have no idea. All I know is that I have an affinity to a sense of community and belonging. Whether that means bringing people together or helping a group of people or being part of something that is bigger, I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know the meaning of my life is. I haven’t figured it out.

After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?

I talk such shite – such drivel! The puzzle analogy even works for piecing my sentences together. I have learnt I still do not have a clear idea of where I am going. It’s an exciting experience just living moment to moment. I am really enjoying the current period of discovery that I am in. I feel like I have focus but I would like a little bit more direction. I know where I want to be and I need to trust myself more in the process and not doubt every turn I make. Does that make sense? [Ed: “That makes perfect sense. What a fitting bookmark in your story.”] I have learnt that I still don’t know where I am going. I think I will forever live in uncertainty… I am okay with it and I am not okay with it.

My love letter to Hannah will go live tomorrow.

You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.

HANNAH; charismatic;

“The whole of that time there was a lingering doom.”

Last month, I had a three hour long catch up with Hannah, an old friend of mine from university. We go months without talking to one another but, once we are sat together (even virtually), it all comes so naturally. It was nothing short of a joy to hear Hannah talk about her life in this way. There were things we knew already, things we have never touched on and absolute surprises.

In her interview, Hannah opened up about her acting career, the loss of her father and just how close she is with her family now.

Hannah pronouns are “she/her”.

Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.

My name is Hannah Sinclair Robinson. I grew up in Reading but now live in Brixton. I am an actor but I guess you could say I make my living as as assistant manager at a pub in Oxford Circus. I would love to be making a living as an actor but, as we are building a career, most of the money comes from a pub so… thank you pub!

What do you do for a living? Is it a passion or something you really enjoy?

I am an actor. I would say that is my profession but the powers that be require financial offerings so I am the assistant manager at a pub. It does not fulfil me but it is a necessary evil so I can pursue the career of my dreams. I love everything that comes with being an actor. Hmm, no! I don’t love everything that comes with it but I do very much enjoy being an actor. I think there are a certain type of people that are drawn to being actors and I think I get a lot of my self worth from being told I’m good. I need that validation! We are working towards separating those two though.

Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well?

My mental health is better, much better, than it was late last year. I noticed it was the worst it had been. The pandemic, the lack of auditions, the lack of work: it all affected me. I have a really bad habit of attaching my self worth to my career and work so if I don’t get jobs then my self worth and self esteem goes all the way down. It plummets. It doesn’t do that quickly though. It’s a very slow spiral that’s will involve me punishing myself until I feel really bad and we feel comfortable in the sadness. We rest in the sad bed we have made! It’s much better now and I am much better at identifying the triggers which set off that spiral. I am much better at taking care of myself. It’s still in the works because a core part of my no self worth comes from not knowing who I am. As an actor, it’s really easy to shape shift as a person: I can change aspects of myself to suit people, circumstances etc. I can pull something out of my vocabulary or from my physical form and that helps me adapt. That has resulted in me feeling quite lost. I don’t know what I like or who I am, really. That is an aspect I am working on in therapy – trying to find out what those things are. My therapist always asks me what I like and I genuinely don’t know. At one point she asked me to list things I am good at and I didn’t know. I said I am good at making other people happy but that’s for them, not me. I feel like I’m doing okay and I have things in place. Wait, what was the other part of the question? [long pause] Therapy. That’s the main thing. Journaling! Here we go. Taking time out to do things that I know will make me feel good. Even though it’s super boring, I ensure my tax folder is up to date and that relieves so much anxiety. Ensuring that I have read all of my emails, I see that as self-care. If I put those things off, that makes my anxiety even worse. Doing these things might not feel great in the moment but they are helping out future Hannah. Also, feel free to edit that down so it makes sense! [Ed: “I will do my best!”]

Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?

Yes, I do. I have a diverse and extensive network of friends that I can go to for different things. All of them are very supportive. I have quite a good foundation with my family as well. We are quite a large family – my Grandma was 1 of 8 – and everyone is really supportive of everything. My mum is the ringleader of that. I am really close to my aunties and when I found out I didn’t get an audition, I went off on one and my mum was away so they listened to me crying down the phone about it. If anything ever happened to anyone in the family, we can all rely on one another.

What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?

I am an only child, if that wasn’t obvious! I lived both of my parents and there was a really good relationship there. I had a really nice childhood: my parents worked super hard and it’s only now I realise how hard they must have worked to provide all the stuff I had as a child. My dad would work days and nights and worked his entire life until a year or so before he died. They ensured I had a really comfortable and lovely childhood. My mum’s side of the family is super tight – we would spend summers on holiday with my aunties, uncles, cousins. I would stay with my godmother whilst mum was working. We were really close and connected with a lot of the family. I also think because I am an only child, they rallied around to ensure I wasn’t alone or feel like a loner. My cousins are what sisters feel like. They are closest thing I have to sisters.

Where do you find daily inspiration?

For what? [Ed: “for life, honey! What else?”] Oh! Well, that’s the crux then, isn’t it? I find it in nature. I don’t get out into as often as I should. I know it does me really good but I’m not good at leaving the house these days. The park is 3 minutes away from me but I still can’t bring myself to leave the house. Every time I do go for a walk, it’s lovely. Seeing the detail in nature is insane. I like to surround myself with plants in here too. I feel really connected to the earth when I pot plants. I like seeing how intricate our planet it. It’s so detailed! It’s inspiring to me, really.

What has your experience worth COVID been like?

First of all, I am incredibly surprised nobody in my household got it! There are 6 people living in the house. We have had a house move and nobody has had it. There have been some scares but we have all been negative, thank God, touch wood. I haven’t personally known many people that have had it so I don’t feel like I have a direct experience. I have friends who are nurses and they have relayed the horrors of working in the ICU. My mum has friends who have had it and passed away but their age bracket is more vulnerable. I noticed a difference from Reading to London. Reading, in the suburbs, everyone was much more wary and really strict with the rules. I lived there for 3 months then I came to London and everyone was on the tube with no mask and huge amounts of people. It was absolutely awful. There was such a different attitude from being in the suburbs where everyone was so afraid and in London everyone was just getting on with it: getting public transport, going to work. When the pubs re-opened, that was really difficult to manage. Everything changed. We went to table service, having a host on the front desk, masks for everyone, sanitising stations. Both industries that I am involved in shut down. Apart from my financial loss, it hasn’t been that bad. I have to pay my rent and survive and that’s all. I don’t have kids or a mortgage which are massive stressors. I am in a very fortunate and privileged position in that, if I couldn’t pay my rent anymore, I would have to move back into my mum’s house. Everyone is in different situations but I got furloughed and focused on my acting career so I made it work. In lockdown, I have had a “positive” experience except we are in the global pandemic. A lot of my views come from a place of privilege. My mental health is a major stressor but I don’t have any dependants which would make things more difficult. I am very fortunate so COVID hasn’t had a huge effect on me.

What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?

Black woman. That’s the most obvious thing. Personality wise, what’s the word? I don’t want to say friendly because that’s a cliché but I think I am quite charismatic. I don’t want to toot my own horn! [Ed: “I think you are charismatic!”] Oh good, me too! [laughs]

What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?

Hands down it was when my dad died. There has been a couple of instances because my mum has had breast cancer twice. The first time I was really young so I didn’t really understand: I was just sad and scared. The biggest hardship was my dad passing away though. He had cancer for years and all of that time was during my formative years from 15 to about 24. The whole of that time there was a lingering doom. We knew from the beginning he wasn’t going to get better. We had to deal with that for around 9 years. You were there for most of it. I remember drinking vodka with undiluted squash in your old flat…. We were both so sad but a different kind of sad. It was rough stuff.

Hannah’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.

You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.