After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.
I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.
Dear Hannah,
Your interview was, hands down, one of my favourites. Not just because you are an incredible human with a staggering amount of wisdom but also because I got to relive all of the laughs, the silences, the inside jokes, the pensive pauses, the sideways glances and every other nuance that makes you an inspirational human. I hope that transcribed well to the blog and people got to know you on a certain level but, truth be told, this section is for me and I was full of joy writing out what you had said. Thank you for letting me in.
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I felt such a connection with you but I often think back to working in Moles together, on cheese nights, and getting our absolute lives. I was a shy, recently outed, wildly unconfident little man but there you were: this absolute goddess who pranced around behind the bar, singing her heart out to Spice Girls. You took me under your wing and inspired me from day dot. You were unapologetically yourself and that gave me the drive to find myself too. Without even realising it, you inspire so many people just by being you.
I know you say you have lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem over the years but, even talking about who you were and how you were, we both know you can find that person again. She is in there – hidden underneath layers of rejection, COVID stresses, London lifestyle and adulthood responsibilities – and she is coming right back out. You have found the motivation to search for who you are and that takes a lot of courage, time, patience and desire. You have bucket loads. It’s brave to be so open about uncertainty and, again, that has only inspired me more to delve harder into my therapy; ask more challenging questions in my interviews; and reach out to friends for answers and support. Most of all, support.
The hardships you have faced up until now have certainly shaped you as a person but you still boast this warm, funny, positive, friendly personality. I am always in awe of you. The way you hold yourself – your physicality and sentimentality – is beautiful, even down to your laugh which fills me with joy whether it’s a hearty guffaw or a tiny giggle. You could have built up this hard exterior and refused to let anyone in but the fact that you walk with your head held high, proud of your journey, will always fill others with awe. It really hit home when you were describing your jigsaw like mind and how you piece together everything: I think so many other humans do that too and being so open about such a personal thing will undoubtedly help hundreds.
This sense of community you feel is obvious. You are helping others without even realising it and I have no doubt you will continue to do this so long as you find and follow what sparks joy and makes you happy. But you are already well on your way to that discovery and I am overjoyed that you are finding little victories on your way to the bigger picture.
“Now I understand what a healthy support system feels like.”
Hannah’s interview comes to a hugely reflective end as she touches on where she has come from, where she is now, and where she wants to be. She might not have all of the answers just yet but that hasn’t stopped Hannah discussing how she finds beauty in the mundane, how her mind works like a puzzle and how she is coming to terms with uncertainty.
Hannah’s pronouns are “she/her”.
What is your biggest fear and how do you prevent that from taking over?
I have two: one is a personal fear and the other is a career fear. The personal fear may be irrational but I am terrified of my family dying and I think that is pretty obvious. And actually, on reflection, quite rational. What do I do to stop that? I just ignore it! Repress, repress, repress. It’s going to happen but we will cross that bridge when it comes. I have experience of an immediate family member dying and that was horrendous. Because I know how that felt, I am fearful of feeling that pain again. I know it’s going to happen and because I am only child, I am scared of being that alone but I, even though you can prepare yourself for that, I don’t want it to happen. I try not to think about that. The career fear is not achieving my dreams. That is one of my biggest ones. Now that I am 30, and not quite running out of time, it’s making me realise all of the pressure we put on ourselves. I am nowhere near when I want to be. The pandemic has stopped so much. My mind says “well, we are here now and nowhere near where we want to be so let’s keep trying”. I am scared I won’t be a successful actor. I think therapy really helps with that. If I think about it too much, I will spiral but it’s about finding joy outside of that. Acting is not the be all and end all. I have to find things which fulfil outside of this part of me otherwise we are [she whispers] fucked.
What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
That’s really hard! The first thing that comes to mind is that I would love to own my own flat in London but that is not something we can check back on easily. There are a lot of steps involved. Number 1 is making money and the property ladder is too hard to get on. A realistic thing? Let’s say a genuine thing is that I want to leave the pub and invest more time and money in acting. Actually! I can answer that. Something I really want to do is be a full time, freelance actor. It’s not because I really hate the pub because I am in a very privileged position where my job does allow for flexibility to pursue my acting career. It gives me stability to go off and do other things. My boss is actually my friend too which is fantastic. It’s just that the pub is not creatively fulfilling for me which makes it quite difficult to do. I would like to, at some point, give that up and put all of my attention and effort into my acting career and I am doing that now. I want to keep the same peace and control of my time in lockdown throughout my entire life because this does actually make me really happy. Why I’m not doing that now is because I am not financially in a position to be full time freelance just yet. My plan was to save enough money to support myself for 6 months so I can take a sabbatical of some sort but I need to have a financial cushion. London is really expensive to live in. When things re-open, and I get a full salary, I will save more and push harder at the career.
What type of outlook on life do you have? Where do you think that comes from?
I am quite impulsive, quite spontaneous I think. Wait. Am I spontaneous? I would like to think I am more spontaneous that I am. I am definitely still impulsive: I do move through life taking each day as it comes. I don’t do a lot of forward planning which works against me sometimes. I don’t really have a clear idea of where I am going. I know where I want to be but I am so unsure of myself in terms of how to get there. I don’t always trust my judgement in where I am going so it’s hard to navigate my way through life with a plan. I would like to be more positive even though I do have a positive outlook on life. I just doubt myself every step of the way so I I feel more cynical. Interestingly, I was having a conversation with my mum because she always says “I don’t know what happened. You were such a confident child!” And when I talk to her about my mental health, self-worth and self-esteem, she is confused because she doesn’t know where it’s come from. We share that confusion. In some ways, I am extroverted and a confident person but I think that is a front that I actually believe. I don’t know where things changed. I was a confident child and I am still am to an extent but there is so much doubt. It might be because I am not where I want to be and I’m not getting there as fast as I had hoped which is causing me to have so much doubt and feel really insecure which affects my self-esteem. I am truly a positive and confident person but, because things aren’t happening how I thought they would happen, it’s causing my to struggle internally. I am internalising the rejection I face and it’s making me doubt myself and that is where the shift has come from. I couldn’t tell you when that started but I would love to be fearless again, like when I was younger. There is such a sense of playfulness in childhood and everything is fun. There is so much curiosity and you lose that when you are older because you are bogged down by responsibility and that sucks! You’ve got to find that sense of play and silliness. That’s joy, isn’t it?
What book/album/film/artist/play has changed your life? What did you take from it?
I saw Alice’s answer to this question. [Ed: “Oh wow, you’re a fan.”] When I said I read your blog, I really do read it! I knew I would struggle with this because I will have no idea. Do you know what? The thing that got me really excited about performing. I had a VHS of “Annie/Oliver”: it was a two film VHS and I used to watch those two films all the time as a kid, just over and over and over again. I first really got excited about performance through watching musicals. I wanted to be all singing and all dancing and that matched my personality so much as kid. My favourites would be “Annie”, “Oliver”, “West Side Story”, “Chicago” (with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellwigger and Queen Latifa. LOVE. THAT. FILM.) [Hannah proceeds to sing “He Had It Coming” nearly in full]. I love a group song and dance number. It literally brings tears to my eyes. If I hear an orchestral piece of music, and I hear that choir of voices, it moves something in me. I feel like I’m going to cry now thinking about it. It feels and sounds lovely: those harmonies, this community of people working together to create this, I want to be a part of it. I guess that is what changed my life. Musicals changed my life? How gross. I am not a musical theatre person, that is not my industry but I love musicals so much. It’s that old school Hollywood vibe. I just love it.
What song should we listen to whilst reading this about you?
Oh my god. Okay, give me two seconds. I did a desert islands discs interview for a show two years ago. I am going to go with “Black Gold of the Sun” by Rotary Connection. I really like that song. It’s just one of my favourite songs.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
The natural world. It’s so intricate and connected: it’s magical. Deep and meaningful connections with human beings. We need them for support. Life is easier when you have people around you that want to help. I keep banging on about this but it’s because it’s only recently that I have allowed people in to support me in that way. Now I understand what a healthy support system feels like. Finding small pockets of joy in the mundane. You have to find joy where you can in these times. The world is so brutal that you’ve got to find small sparkles of joy. Grab the joy where you can. Delicious food. I guess that is connected to small joys in life. Actually taking the time to enjoy what you are eating or what is nourishing you. I feel like food can sometimes be seen as an inconvenience: it can get in the way. Or you have a working lunch or be on your phone/watching TV whilst you are eating. But then you don’t enjoy what you are doing. You need to take time to enjoy what nourishes you. Rest. Is that beautiful or necessary?! That is connected to taking care of oneself. Actually no, scrap that. I think it should be the choir of voices that I spoke about earlier.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what it would be and why?
A jigsaw puzzle. I am piecing it together. Not fragmented because that feels like scattered parts. It’s not broken up like that. I am referring back to the analogy of fitting my way through my day. Through my life, it feels like Crystal Maze. You have to complete the task and then pass through to the next section. It’s a mad scramble like “this fits in this hole, that doesn’t work so let’s try something else, try to cut it in half RIGHT that’s worked, onto the next thing”. It has felt like trying to fit different parts of a puzzle together. I have all of the pieces but they might not work at that time. There is a bigger picture but we have lost the jigsaw box. We have the outline, the edges are there, but we are working on trying to figure out the picture. There has got to be something that joins them.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
[laughs] I have no idea. All I know is that I have an affinity to a sense of community and belonging. Whether that means bringing people together or helping a group of people or being part of something that is bigger, I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know the meaning of my life is. I haven’t figured it out.
After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I talk such shite – such drivel! The puzzle analogy even works for piecing my sentences together. I have learnt I still do not have a clear idea of where I am going. It’s an exciting experience just living moment to moment. I am really enjoying the current period of discovery that I am in. I feel like I have focus but I would like a little bit more direction. I know where I want to be and I need to trust myself more in the process and not doubt every turn I make. Does that make sense? [Ed: “That makes perfect sense. What a fitting bookmark in your story.”] I have learnt that I still don’t know where I am going. I think I will forever live in uncertainty… I am okay with it and I am not okay with it.
My love letter to Hannah will go live tomorrow.
You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.
“As an actor, you cannot live like that! You will see way more no than yes. Your self worth will be non existent. You have to disconnect to preserve any sanity in your personal life.”
Whilst transcribing this second part of Hannah’s interview, I was laughing out loud into my empty living room. Hannah’s sheer charisma and charm shine through entirely as she talks about what friendships mean to her, how acting links to her self-worth and how a quote from RuPaul’s Drag Race helped her cope with rejection.
Hannah’s pronouns are “she/her”.
What does a regular day in Hannah’s mind look like?
I know you don’t want my routine but I will wake up fairly late by most standards and then I will feel guilty immediately. I have a morning routine which I would like to get set but trying to do it all before my day starts does give me a bit of anxiety. So usually I wake up guilty and anxious – that’s how the day starts! If I get my stuff sorted, I feel better. I need a to do list to make me feel like I am being productive towards my career. I need a schedule for the day but there are things which I do in the day which make me feel better. Sometimes I have to unknot my stomach! My evenings are pretty good, my mind is alright. My mind tries to piece together the whole day, like a jigsaw. Or more like a path. We get to nighttime and I know I am tired and should sleep but I feel like there is time to do stuff. I can’t really squeeze anything else in because my mind is tired but I feel the need to and then we are like “oh here comes the anxiety again!”. I have a nice sleep and then I wake up anxious. Guilt and anxiety plagues my jigsaw mind. It’s not a negative experience: the anxiety is awful but the mind path isn’t always bad.
What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?
[Long pause] I can only really speak on friendships and platonic love because there is nothing else going on. They play a big part, particularly in these times, because we all need each other to get through this. I am constantly messaging my friends or on the phone to my mum. I’ve realised that I need to be more proactive in reaching out to people because that does make me happy. When I have spoken to my therapist after a good week, we reflect on what happened and it’s normally the connection with my friends and nurturing the platonic relationships which fuels me. It makes me feel held and I need a lot of holding and support, I think. It’s the self esteem thing! I’m not there yet: I don’t fuel myself yet. I have to get to a point where I don’t need outside validation but at the moment just having conversations and feeling connected to people keeps me supported. People who can check me on my bullshit are also needed. I guess they do play a big part in my daily life but not in a romantic sense.
What aspect of friendship do you value the most?
Support. I think it’s important to have people around who you can go to and they can come to you for anything. Why do I think that’s important? Maybe because I am an only child. I don’t know! I do mean support and I do think that is the most important thing in a friendship. What I am trying to figure out is an explanation as to why. The support that I mean is being able to give support to people in whatever capacity that is and I need to be able to have people I can go to and feel supported by.
What do you do to make a positive impact on those/the world around you?
I like to bring joy and support to those around me and to the world. I like helping people; I like feeling needed. Feeling needed gives me a boost! I like people to feel comfortable and if I can bring joy to people then, yeah, let’s go for it. I guess it comes back around to comfort. If I can do that for people, I feel like that’s positive.
What do you do to stay motivated?
I would love to say I look at inspirational and motivational people but sometimes that makes me feel worse. The way my mind works, it highlights what I am lacking instead of where I could be. So, it’s not that! [laughs] I want people to be proud of me and that motivates me. But that’s about how other people view me. The real answer is I remind myself of my goals and aspirations. That can be twofold because sometimes it makes me feel bad but also it motivates me to try and achieve that. If I am lacking motivation, I think “we want to be here, what do we need to do to get there?”. Reminding myself of where I want to be motivates me. Conversations with friends reminding me of where I have been or come from is a real motivator. Encouragement from others helps too because I struggle to find that in myself. I need people around me.
What was the deciding factor to get into acting?
I wanted to do it… Next question! Why did I want to do it? I was told I was good at it. I didn’t particularly excel in traditional academia: I excelled in art and drama. It was as toss up between doing textile art at university or performing arts. I looked at universities which offered both and decided on the open days that it would be performance. I have been involved in performing since I was 5 and I believe I am good at it. A lot of people tried to dissuade me from it. At first, my family didn’t really have too much control of it to be honest. They were worried about me doing it because of the position I am in now: financially unstable. They also had reservations, because I come from a Christian family, that I would be asked to do something or put in a hard situation like on screen nudity or even swearing! They were concerned about those positions that I may have been put into. The work is unstable and inconsistent so they were worried about that too. But I did it and I am doing it. That is the decision I have made. I do tend to make a decision and do it without too much thought but now I am on the flip side: I don’t make any decisions because my overthinking paralyses me. Back in the day, I would make a decision on impulse and just do it. Look at me now, I’m struggling! [laughs]
How does your passion for acting link to your personal life? How does it affect your sense of accomplishment day to day?
Unfortunately, I have hugely linked my self worth and self esteem to my career. They are one. I am in the process of separating the two. I am more than just my career. But that is still a process. At the moment, I struggle to disconnect with the outcome of the auditions. I was watching a webinar on how to cope with rejection. It was by a woman who runs an incredible account [Ed: here, for all your interested readers] and it’s the rejection which really affects me more than anything. When I am in a project, or delving into the character for an audition, I doubt myself and have imposter syndrome even though I have made it that far but it is the rejection which affects my personal life because it is so connected. When you get rejected from an audition, most of the time they just don’t contact you and that’s even worse! You are waiting and waiting and waiting, sometimes for months, until the show or advert comes out and you think “I guess I didn’t get that one then!”. I am working on disconnecting from the outcome of auditions. What happens is I will go to an audition and see how much it is paid and then I will already spend that money. I will be on set, in my mind, before I have done the audition and I get so connected and attached before I have even auditioned. As an actor, you cannot live like that! You will see way more no than yes. Your self worth will be non existent. You have to disconnect to preserve any sanity in your personal life. Also, I am starting to find what else brings me joy outside of acting. Where is this quote?! This will help me explain it. I have to find joy in other areas because if I think that all I am is an actor, when things don’t work out, I am lost. I have to fuel myself in other ways. I have struggled to find hobbies or other joy. I am really enjoying this time in therapy because I am finding things that will bring me joy. Then I can figure out what doesn’t and let go of that. “You May Grow” is something that is bringing me so much joy. Once I removed the pressure to post all the time and be fantastic, it’s a really nice period of discovery. This quote is from RuPaul’s Drag Race: it was Rachel Bloom on Series 12, 2019, and she was talking to… [Ed: “The election episode! It would have been Jackie Cox or Widow Von Du”] The fact you know that exactly [laughs] it was Widow Von Du and she said to her “You raised yourself to think that your craft, your art, is who you are and, when you fuck something up, it fundamentally takes away your self worth. Separating your craft from who you are as a person has… it’s really helped me.” That is what I am in the process of doing. I am so attached to my craft and that became me as a person. That rejection means your whole world falls apart. It feels like they are personally rejecting you as a person. If you constantly receive that, you are nothing. I am separating that. That is my work, and something I enjoy, but it is not everything.
What is your end goal in terms of your professional life?
To be a successful, working actor. To be continuously working. Not necessarily famous. Just to feel fulfilled creatively and in my work. And also at peace with myself and to have full self acceptance: to feel really comfortable in understanding who I am as a person. Professionally, I would like to be successful.
Hannah’s final 8 questions will go live on Saturday.
You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.
“The whole of that time there was a lingering doom.”
Last month, I had a three hour long catch up with Hannah, an old friend of mine from university. We go months without talking to one another but, once we are sat together (even virtually), it all comes so naturally. It was nothing short of a joy to hear Hannah talk about her life in this way. There were things we knew already, things we have never touched on and absolute surprises.
In her interview, Hannah opened up about her acting career, the loss of her father and just how close she is with her family now.
Hannah pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Hannah Sinclair Robinson. I grew up in Reading but now live in Brixton. I am an actor but I guess you could say I make my living as as assistant manager at a pub in Oxford Circus. I would love to be making a living as an actor but, as we are building a career, most of the money comes from a pub so… thank you pub!
What do you do for a living? Is it a passion or something you really enjoy?
I am an actor. I would say that is my profession but the powers that be require financial offerings so I am the assistant manager at a pub. It does not fulfil me but it is a necessary evil so I can pursue the career of my dreams. I love everything that comes with being an actor. Hmm, no! I don’t love everything that comes with it but I do very much enjoy being an actor. I think there are a certain type of people that are drawn to being actors and I think I get a lot of my self worth from being told I’m good. I need that validation! We are working towards separating those two though.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well?
My mental health is better, much better, than it was late last year. I noticed it was the worst it had been. The pandemic, the lack of auditions, the lack of work: it all affected me. I have a really bad habit of attaching my self worth to my career and work so if I don’t get jobs then my self worth and self esteem goes all the way down. It plummets. It doesn’t do that quickly though. It’s a very slow spiral that’s will involve me punishing myself until I feel really bad and we feel comfortable in the sadness. We rest in the sad bed we have made! It’s much better now and I am much better at identifying the triggers which set off that spiral. I am much better at taking care of myself. It’s still in the works because a core part of my no self worth comes from not knowing who I am. As an actor, it’s really easy to shape shift as a person: I can change aspects of myself to suit people, circumstances etc. I can pull something out of my vocabulary or from my physical form and that helps me adapt. That has resulted in me feeling quite lost. I don’t know what I like or who I am, really. That is an aspect I am working on in therapy – trying to find out what those things are. My therapist always asks me what I like and I genuinely don’t know. At one point she asked me to list things I am good at and I didn’t know. I said I am good at making other people happy but that’s for them, not me. I feel like I’m doing okay and I have things in place. Wait, what was the other part of the question? [long pause] Therapy. That’s the main thing. Journaling! Here we go. Taking time out to do things that I know will make me feel good. Even though it’s super boring, I ensure my tax folder is up to date and that relieves so much anxiety. Ensuring that I have read all of my emails, I see that as self-care. If I put those things off, that makes my anxiety even worse. Doing these things might not feel great in the moment but they are helping out future Hannah. Also, feel free to edit that down so it makes sense! [Ed: “I will do my best!”]
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Yes, I do. I have a diverse and extensive network of friends that I can go to for different things. All of them are very supportive. I have quite a good foundation with my family as well. We are quite a large family – my Grandma was 1 of 8 – and everyone is really supportive of everything. My mum is the ringleader of that. I am really close to my aunties and when I found out I didn’t get an audition, I went off on one and my mum was away so they listened to me crying down the phone about it. If anything ever happened to anyone in the family, we can all rely on one another.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I am an only child, if that wasn’t obvious! I lived both of my parents and there was a really good relationship there. I had a really nice childhood: my parents worked super hard and it’s only now I realise how hard they must have worked to provide all the stuff I had as a child. My dad would work days and nights and worked his entire life until a year or so before he died. They ensured I had a really comfortable and lovely childhood. My mum’s side of the family is super tight – we would spend summers on holiday with my aunties, uncles, cousins. I would stay with my godmother whilst mum was working. We were really close and connected with a lot of the family. I also think because I am an only child, they rallied around to ensure I wasn’t alone or feel like a loner. My cousins are what sisters feel like. They are closest thing I have to sisters.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
For what? [Ed: “for life, honey! What else?”] Oh! Well, that’s the crux then, isn’t it? I find it in nature. I don’t get out into as often as I should. I know it does me really good but I’m not good at leaving the house these days. The park is 3 minutes away from me but I still can’t bring myself to leave the house. Every time I do go for a walk, it’s lovely. Seeing the detail in nature is insane. I like to surround myself with plants in here too. I feel really connected to the earth when I pot plants. I like seeing how intricate our planet it. It’s so detailed! It’s inspiring to me, really.
What has your experience worth COVID been like?
First of all, I am incredibly surprised nobody in my household got it! There are 6 people living in the house. We have had a house move and nobody has had it. There have been some scares but we have all been negative, thank God, touch wood. I haven’t personally known many people that have had it so I don’t feel like I have a direct experience. I have friends who are nurses and they have relayed the horrors of working in the ICU. My mum has friends who have had it and passed away but their age bracket is more vulnerable. I noticed a difference from Reading to London. Reading, in the suburbs, everyone was much more wary and really strict with the rules. I lived there for 3 months then I came to London and everyone was on the tube with no mask and huge amounts of people. It was absolutely awful. There was such a different attitude from being in the suburbs where everyone was so afraid and in London everyone was just getting on with it: getting public transport, going to work. When the pubs re-opened, that was really difficult to manage. Everything changed. We went to table service, having a host on the front desk, masks for everyone, sanitising stations. Both industries that I am involved in shut down. Apart from my financial loss, it hasn’t been that bad. I have to pay my rent and survive and that’s all. I don’t have kids or a mortgage which are massive stressors. I am in a very fortunate and privileged position in that, if I couldn’t pay my rent anymore, I would have to move back into my mum’s house. Everyone is in different situations but I got furloughed and focused on my acting career so I made it work. In lockdown, I have had a “positive” experience except we are in the global pandemic. A lot of my views come from a place of privilege. My mental health is a major stressor but I don’t have any dependants which would make things more difficult. I am very fortunate so COVID hasn’t had a huge effect on me.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
Black woman. That’s the most obvious thing. Personality wise, what’s the word? I don’t want to say friendly because that’s a cliché but I think I am quite charismatic. I don’t want to toot my own horn! [Ed: “I think you are charismatic!”] Oh good, me too! [laughs]
What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?
Hands down it was when my dad died. There has been a couple of instances because my mum has had breast cancer twice. The first time I was really young so I didn’t really understand: I was just sad and scared. The biggest hardship was my dad passing away though. He had cancer for years and all of that time was during my formative years from 15 to about 24. The whole of that time there was a lingering doom. We knew from the beginning he wasn’t going to get better. We had to deal with that for around 9 years. You were there for most of it. I remember drinking vodka with undiluted squash in your old flat…. We were both so sad but a different kind of sad. It was rough stuff.
Hannah’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.
You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.
After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.
I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.
Dear Kitty,
Who would’ve thought that we would be here? Six years after I professed my undying love for you and your music, and you took a chance on this friendship, we are closer than ever. And, honestly, I can’t imagine my life without you in it now.
The way you act, react and interact with humans inspires me every single day. You approach everything – head on – with charm, honesty, understanding, patience, heart and truth. I struggle to focus on even one of those traits and yet here you are, seasoned and incredible, utilising all of them in your every day life. You have the utmost faith and hope in people and I know the world could use a lot more of that. We have so many people to thank for you being the way you are but we are here to celebrate you.
You are always there for people: a shoulder to cry on; an ear to listen; a heart to sympathise; a question to challenge. You only want the best for those around you and that is crystal clear. It really struck a chord when you said you have so many different friendships and relationships. You are the unchanging factor – you are so many things for so many people and, in turn, they are so many things to you too. It takes a lot of work and effort to maintain all of this but you do it so effortlessly.
Music has been, and always will be, in your soul. It changes you and then the world around you. The way you pour every ounce of yourself into your music, and watch as it affects everyone else, is nothing short of wonderful. Hearing you talk about your passion and career in the way you do will inspire so many others and I am so honoured that you have let me share those conversations with others. I think music in the best medicine and you are a healer.
I am learning to be kind to myself and, even just from the end of your interview, it is clear that is something you are doing too. You never stop assessing and reflecting on who you are and I think that makes a great human. Your self-awareness, whilst perhaps too strong some days, allows you to understand people better and still celebrate yourself. That is something I am inspired by every day. I want to be more like you, I really do.
Thank you for these years of honesty, understanding, patience, heart, music, love, life, poetry, words and everything else in between. I thought I had reached a point where I couldn’t forge friendships like this anymore but you have let me see the light. And for that, I am forever grateful.
“It is a story of grace that I have been saved again and again. “
The final part of Katie’s interview touches on everything from her fear to her hopes for the future. We discuss how becoming a parent changes every aspect of life as well as relentless optimism and its place in the modern world. Katie never held back and was ready for every question and this is a very special, and meaningful, interview. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.
What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent that from taking over?
[long pause] I don’t have many things [that I am scared of] which is amazing. The people pleasing thing is something which plays on my mind in terms of the fear aspect. I constantly think I have done something wrong or that I haven’t done enough. How do I prevent it? I have to talk it through. I talk with Robbie a lot and, this might be a sweeping statement but, I think a man thing is to be able to compartmentalise: thinking like “they will be them, you will be you. Move on, don’t stress”. Sometimes I need Robbie to tell me that I have been brilliant and the fact I am second guessing myself is a people pleasing thing but there isn’t truth in it. As with most overthinking anxiety based habits in our brain, they are usually ‘us’ based: they are things we have imagined in our head almost. You don’t want somebody to say “it’s all in your head, buck up” but it’s nice to hear from someone else that you have done all you can. Sometimes you need someone who is able to put things in perspective because they are outside of the situation. I just don’t want to upset someone accidentally. I need to talk about it but sometimes I will get there myself. But sometimes it’s just about me coming on period! Hormones do random things to my emotions.
What is something you really want to do that you’re not doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
All the things that I want to do over the next year I am putting in place now. I am talking to live agents now, putting together a tech rider, putting a new setlist together and working towards that. I am potentially looking at making new merch. I love fashion! All I wear is big, baggy t-shirts with patterns on so why don’t I have any merch? I don’t know. I have got in touch with a female graphic designer who will make a new logo for me and incorporate that onto tie-dye t-shirts. A big personal goal at some point is to become a mum and I am not doing that just yet. Why not? Because I love my job. I am not admitting that when I do that I won’t be able to pursue songwriting anymore because I will be able to but I know it will change things. I don’t want to be naive in the fact that having kids changes everything in your life. My darling husband has had crazy success and just signed to a major label and now his, and my, future has changed massively. That affects us having kids because that could mean I am the stay at home mum. And, let me stress, that is no lesser in any way. It’s just different than what I had originally thought. I understand that when you have kids your thought processes change: it might be that I never want to leave them and I might want to leave songwriting behind. The children might fulfil me more. But then also, I might miss songwriting still and want it to evolve into something else. That need for work will still always be a passion of mine.
What type of outlook on life do you have? Where do you think that comes from?
Relentless optimism. Everyone has always told me that my entire life. I think optimism can also equal naivety and, in the past, that has led me to bad situations. It made me hold onto bad situations longer than I needed to. My optimism might be to the detriment of myself sometimes but it does mean I can almost sail through life because nothing feels bad. For that, I am grateful. You are easily pleased. Somebody could bring me an oat milk flat white and a chocolate bar and that’s my day made. A lot of people argue the nature vs nurture thing but I feel I was born with this. My sisters are different to me. They both have a fraction of optimism but I have the most. Some of it comes from my parents but I do think I was born with it. I’m not sure where it stemmed from. I have always been like it and it’s strange. There is something about nature rather than nurture.
What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from that?
The bible. It comes into my life day after day and has done for my whole life. I read it most days. It is an unchanging book which has been present since day dot. It’s not everything that I live my life by but it is a huge factor. Scripture has changed the way I think; the way I live; the way I am towards other people; the way I am as a person; how I cope; how I learn; how I work; how I love. The bible has changed everything for me.
What song should we listen to whilst reading this about you?
“Top Of The World” by Kimbra. It’s very feminist and powerful. It is proclaiming out loud what you are good at. That’s what that means to me.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
Little babies. New, pure, innocent, unjaded, bitterless kids. They are beautiful because of that. They are untouched by the things of the world. They are what they are and they cannot be anything else because nobody has taught them how to lie yet. They bring their full selves to you, even before they can talk, and I love it. Their smile is pure joy. Music is beautiful. My whole life is built around this. No matter what country I am in, what culture I am experiencing, no matter how you identify – music is the common ground. You will always be able to understand music together. Music is music and is always inspiring. You can communicate anything through music. The earth. Flipping heck! When I want to see God’s beauty, that is what I do. I go out and see it. We need hope right now but seeing buds and flowers, as hippie as it is, there is something about connecting with the human spirit when you see something burst forth from what looks dead. You can see a whole reflection of the sky in a lake and that is untouched by man. That is one of the biggest things. I see a lot of beauty in love. I mean affection. When I walk along the street and you see a child holding someone’s hand, and I recognise that need for affection: when I see my husband’s neck full of whiskers: when I pat my mum on the back because she is unpacking. Physical love is very beautiful. The closeness you get from physicality is beautiful. I want to say food! When I cook meals, I go to the nth degree to present them beautifully. It sounds stupid but I get so much pleasure from laying things out beautifully. With cooking, there is colour, taste, and smell which makes it more than two dimensional beauty.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?
Grace. I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life. When I look back on them, they could’ve so easily changed the course of my life to a bad path. To a path where, ultimately, I would be unhappy and unfulfilled. Somehow, even though and despite these bad decisions, I have ended up with my perfect life. The prominent feeling in my head is gratitude. I have been shown so much grace no matter what. It is a story of grace that I have been saved again and again.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
To love. In whatever form that is. I want to love everyone around me to the best of my ability. I want to support, encourage and enthuse them. I want to love people back to life. I want to love alongside. I want to love moving forward. I want to love whilst stuck in the mud. I want to love whilst things morph. I want to love evolution.
After talking through everything, what have you learnt about yourself and your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I am aware that, during this, every time you have asked me to tell you something good about myself, I have always book ended it with something bad. That is interesting because I like to have a balanced and sober judgement of myself and I want to see the same thing from two different angles. It makes me understand other people well and accept that. I might be able to see something bad but I think “yeah they are like this too, though, and that’s great”. Clearly I do that a lot with myself too. I don’t always need to put the negative spin on it too: for myself, I could just say what I am good at. I need to be invested in the truth of what I am.
My open letter to Katie will go live tomorrow.
You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.
“I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again.”
I had the honour and privilege of talking to one of my favourite people ever, Katie, a few weeks ago. Our friendship is far more than skin deep and we discuss these things quite frequently and openly so it means a lot that Katie would let me share her story so publicly. We delved straight into her marriage, her relationship with God and what she has taken from a lockdown of songwriting.
These first 8 questions are the merely the beginnings of a much bigger conversation.
Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Kat, Katie Sky, Kitty, Kit-Kat, Aunt Kathy! I have many names and guises but they all stem from my real name Catherine. I was born in Greenfield in Oldham, up north. I have lived in Bristol for 14 years and am not going to move any time soon. I am a singer and songwriter full time -professional! I love writing songs: it’s the reason I am alive and I am addicted to it and I will continue to do so until I am not cool enough anymore. I like reading books, I love cooking, I am still trying to be a runner as everyone is in lockdown. I love travelling to other countries, understanding different cultures and learning about different people. I am a Christian and a lover of Jesus. That’s it…. This is way more than 30 seconds isn’t it? [Ed: “yes, it certainly is Kitty”].
What has your experience with COVID been like?
In general, I feel super lucky that I managed to get married just before COVID hit and I moved in with my husband so I haven’t had to be by myself. I am an extrovert and wouldn’t have been able to cope with that. I have had Robbie [husband] to weather this storm with. We have had lots of bonding in our first year of marriage and that’s been amazing. Music has really stepped up for me over the last year too. So many people have been struggling financially and questioning their career choices because society has literally stopped but that has not happened for me or Robbie. It’s been coming in: lots of paid music jobs. I had a lot of releases last year. I think 17? Last year, during the peak of COVID, music was saving me. It will always save me but, financially through COVID, it has saved me. The downsides of it is missing family and friends. The thing which has upset me the most has been not seeing my 1 year old niece and nearly 2 year old nephew who are growing so much and changing and I haven’t been there for any of it. That has been the same for everyone around the country but that has been my biggest struggle: not seeing those two little squidgies! I am hearing “now they can stand up, now they can walk, now they can say your name” and I want to see those stages but I feel I have missed out. It’s scary because you feel like you will never get that time back.
Reflect on your mental and physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well every day?
This is interesting because I have taken up a few more recently. Something I have done every day for the last month and a half is flossing my teeth! I wanted to get better at it because I want Invisalign. My dentist literally said to me “if you do not floss every day for the next three months until I next see you, I won’t give you Invisalign.”. That ultimatum really works for me. In terms of other mental health attitudes, I like listening to good music every day and having a dance around my house. People put things on social media saying that dancing is a physical way to put yourself in a positive state of mind. A little dance will cheer me up! The other thing I do a lot in my mind is pray. I always want to become a better version of myself and a part of Christianity is wanting to deal with and be self aware of the things we are not good at and the things we are really good at. You acknowledge the two and their differences and then focus on how to influence the people around you for good.
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Yes. I was thinking the other day – if you go onto someone’s Whatsapp, isn’t it telling how many groups you are part of? I’ve got hundreds! Not sure if that’s a good thing or a burden. But I can see the amount of amazing people I could text to say “I need you” and they would come running. I am stupidly grateful for that. My friends are all different people – from all walks of life – but there is always common ground no matter what friendship it is. As well as having two best friend big sisters, I have obviously got a super fit husband who is also my best friend. He will listen to me talk even if he doesn’t understand me. There is so much support from him. Then a plethora of friendship groups who would do anything for me too. As I am saying it now, it’s crazy how many people I have in my life who I love.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I’m the youngest of three: I have two older sisters. We are textbook “eldest, middle and youngest child”. The older I have got and have studied these “syndromes” and characteristics they are, the more I realise we are textbook. Even now, I am seen as the baby and my parents are like “oh well done!” if I do anything. Parents can never switch off – they are going to be my parents for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter that I am old enough and ugly enough to look after myself. They will always ring and say “have you drunk enough water?”. That is something that will always make me laugh: that I will always be the youngest to them in a good way. Having two older sisters has been amazing. They are so wise and they have gone through everything first. They got married before me; they had kids before me; they moved home before me. It might have been different it they were brothers but to be the same sex as your older siblings, and to have such incredible examples to follow through life, [is amazing]. We all have very different personalities but there is still that thing where I look back and realise I was using them as the example of the right things to do because they did it first, before me. It’s amazing to have two older sisters that I love and respect as much as then. Then Mum and Dad – flipping heck! I am so grateful that they are still together and that is such a rarity. They have been an incredible example of what marriage is and what love looks like. They were the type of parents who let us try anything we wanted to do. I did violin for 7 years when I was younger and I got up one day like “I don’t want to do that anymore” and they said “yeah that’s fine, you’ve tried it!”. Then I wanted to be a goth and Mum let me buy spiky goth chokers and that was fine. Then I wanted to be a majorette and they loved that too. Looking back, I am so thankful. They were quite strict as parents: we had lots of rules in terms of boyfriends and chores. But now I see that is the reason why my work ethic is as strong as it is because they made me work for it. I worked in a fish and chip shop at 16. It looked strict at the time but they were trying to bring these characteristics out into the forefront and it’s worked. I am still super close with Mum and Dad – they call me every other day. I am still super close with both of my sisters in my life. I go straight to them for any wisdom.
Where do you find your daily inspiration?
It depends what you mean! If it’s inspiration for songs, it could be anything. I am reading a book at the moment that is inspiring. I could be watching an episode of Fleabag on Amazon Prime and think “yes feminism! I want to write a song about this”. It could be a conversation I’ve had with a friend when they are struggling with mental health and I can write it from their perspective and tell their story. It could be literally anything. Listening to other people’s music does it too. If you are talking about inspiration in life, that is anything too! I am currently writing this week’s food shop and I am on BBC GoodFood and am excited about everything I can cook. I get very inspired by food because I am a foodie. Also going for walks and being around nature especially during lockdown. Seeing all the buds on the trees, and noticing this shift to Spring and things getting ready to burst forth, is very inspiring. I’ve got plants in the garden which are about to get there. There is a lemon tree in my back garden and the lemons are slowly going yellow and that is inspiring me too.
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion?
I am a full time, professional singer and songwriter. It’s the reason I am alive.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
I think they’ll probably say “wow, she’s loud! Okay, this lady has a lot of confidence.” Or that I am super friendly. Maybe too friendly? I would say loud and friendly. It used to be my hair because it was blue and strangers would be like “oh I love your hair!”. Other than that, they might say something about what I am wearing because I like big, bold patterns.
What do you think is the biggest hardship that you’ve faced in your life so far?
I’m not sure if I would call it a hardship but the worst thing that I have experienced is a relationship I was in nearly ten years ago. I was engaged to a guy and it was the first time in my life where I lost my sense of self. I forgot who I was in this other person. I think that happens more than we would like to admit. I am quite a naive person but I have a thicker skin now because of things like this. Back in the day, I was naive and super friendly and that characteristic, put in contact with someone who would use that against you, was a bad combination. That’s what that relationship was unfortunately. Definitely at the time I hated it but, looking back, I wouldn’t take it back because I understand now I had to go through that to understand who I am and who I am supposed to be. I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again but I wouldn’t know that now without that. It was an emotionally manipulative and sometimes physically abusive relationship whereby I was pretty much marrying this man: I had a dress and a date. It got very very bad and went into self-destruct mode and took me a while to figure out how bad it was. I managed to get myself out of the situation and never looked back. Thank the Lord for that. Losing who I was for the benefit of someone else is the hardest thing I have faced. That’s not what love is but I know that now.
Katie’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.
You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.
“Whatever makes you different can be your superpower.”
In these final eight questions, Stu and I discussed the other parts of him: from fears to aspirations; outlooks to the meaning of his life. Stu never held back with anything and laid his cards bare on the table which made for some incredible answers.
It’s been a joy to talk to Stu like this and I hope you have all taken something from it.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent this from taking over?
My biggest fear is loneliness. Being an only child, weirdly I am one of those people who doesn’t like their own company. I do stupid shit when I am on my own because my brain does a wobble. To end up being really lonely would be a nightmare. That is a fear of mine. My friends tell me to do things on my own (which I have done but they’re rubbish) because I do like to have people around me all the time – maybe in a co-dependant way but hopefully not. When I used to live on my own I found that really difficult. I prevent that by hitting people up to make plans but the older you get you realise that people don’t want to meet up in the week because of work. God forbid they get to bed after 10pm! Then the weekend comes and people want to chill out because they’ve had a tough week. You can end up scrambling for things to do or people to meet up with. Luckily enough, I live with Alessio so I always have company and I also have this dickhead [cat]. I didn’t have siblings to play with growing up and it did make me jealous of people who had that. Whenever I had friends round, I was always the person that said “Stay for tea! Play another game! A few more hours!” because I didn’t want to be on my own by the end of the evening.
What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
Not a lot. I’ve always wanted to do a YouTube channel and now I’ve started it. I’ve always wanted to draw or make a comic book but never got around to it because of the confidence thing. “There are better artists out there. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you putting pen to paper when people can do this better than you?” That instantly stops me doing things. The thing that is stopping me is literally my brain. I need to start drawing for fun again. Just doodle. I can always think of other things to do instead though. Last year, I wanted to do a drawing of each drag artist I know. I started with Ruby [Rawbone] and never did another. I had the wrong paper so bought a new pad but never started again. I used the paper to make little notes to send to people instead!
What type of outlook on life do you have? Are you naturally positive? Where do you think that comes from?
I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on life and that comes from the depressive side of my brain. That’s the most honest answer you’ll get from me. Part of my brain tries to say it’s realistic. I try to look for the best in people and think the best about them but in situations to do with me, I am always pessimistic. A pessimist is never disappointed as they say.
What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from it?
I can whittle this down to two things. From an early age, I have always read comics. I understood myself more when I started to read X-Men comics. The X-Men are an allegory for minorities, as we know. I was growing up and not understanding anything about my sexuality (because it was the 80s and 90s with Section 28) in a small town, you just hear and see things on TV and know that whatever you are is “wrong”. This is a comic I was reading where people were born different and they used that to celebrate themselves and help people. I was always reading Batman, Iron Man, Catwoman and they all wore masks. None of the X-Men did that except Wolverine. These people were out and proud. They had codenames but used their real names too. They were superheroes that didn’t mind seeing being seen and were proud to be different. Even Nightcrawler who had blue skin and looked like a monster! Everyone was afraid of him but he was really nice and religious… and didn’t wear a mask. He let people see him. Given that, I hid in the closet for so many years and I probably shouldn’t have. I still read that comic. It’s nice that that was being seen and they were in the public eye. It gave me an outlook of a) don’t judge a book by it’s cover and b) whatever makes you different can be your superpower. Second thing is obviously Garbage [band]. My mum always said she was worried I wouldn’t get into music because I was so into art and comics. She thought videogames would be my thing but she loves music. When I hit my teens, all I wanted to do was listen to music I went from pop to rave and everything that was around in the 90s: the weird hip-hop swing grunge. I latched onto that. I was the only one that gave a shit about NME, Melody Maker, Kerrang. Other people cared about what the Spice Girls were up to. In the 90s, indie rock was given the biggest platform it has ever been given. Female fronted bands had a massive surge in that time. It was huge – even that was in Smash Hits and on Top of the Pops. I enjoyed that part of it. These rebellious women were there and my brain instantly saw them as a woman in a man’s world doing something which men usually do [play rock music]. They were front and centre. They felt like me: not fitting in but not minding and doing my own thing, For some reason, Garbage came along. I heard “Vow” on the Evening Sessions and I remember having this massive stereo and the song started and, as soon as it kicked in and I listened to the lyrics, it kind of floored me. I sat on my ass to listen to the song. A few weeks later, they turned up on TV and from that moment there was something about it. These weird samples and hip-hop beats but it was rock and heavy and didn’t sound like BritPop. I saw the band and she was so striking. So beautiful but not conventionally so. The rest of the band looked like weird old men. I responded to that because they were freaks. I liked it. I saw an interview with Shirley and she was so forthright and very outspoken. Then that was it. I thought “this is what I’m into”.
What song should we listen to whilst reading about you?
Something by Garbage. I dunno though. I’d say either “Queer” by Garbage (for obvious reasons) or my favourite song is “Push It”.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
Music. The reason why is because the same song can mean completely different things to completely different people. It can create some beautiful memories that can help you out. You do a lot of healing with music – not like panpipes – but you can stuff to people’s lives with music.
Random acts of kindness that happen between strangers. I quite like that. I like to do something nice in the moment. You might never see them again but you’ve had a moment where you’ve helped them out for no other reason than you’re another reason and I should help you. I find that beautiful but the way we are now is mistrusting and it doesn’t happen often. People don’t want their actions to be misconstrued and that’s a shame.
Connecting at the end of a night. I have so many memories of being with all my friends in a circle after a gig or club night and we would all be singing at each other at the top of our voices. Having that connection is really beautiful and something I always remember.
Support. I mean all types of support. It might mean nothing to one person but means something to someone else. Not necessarily being supportive, not like “I’m always there for you” but I have people on Facebook who never come to my shows or live near me but, for algorithms sake, they will share an event of mine. It helps with reach and that kind of support is beautiful. There are some people I haven’t seen since school but it’s that little “I’ve got you” wink can mean a lot to someone. It’s really strange that we don’t all do it. It doesn’t take a lot to support someone. It doesn’t have to be monetary either! It can be showing up or a recommendation or sending a playlist. Everything creates ripples in my head.
Purple is beautiful.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?
Long! [laughs] and Wide! No. There isn’t one word but it would be doing a little bit of everything. My thing is that, for years, I have tried to do so many different things. People might see that as a lack of focus but I am always looking for new things which I want to give a go and see where it takes me. Everything in my life has led onto something else. I met a guy at a job who wanted to go to gigs but didn’t have anyone to go with so I started going with him. We started a Facebook group where we reviewed the shows and then a magazine reached out to us to write articles for them but we had to take down the group on Facebook because we were taking all of their traffic. They didn’t say it in those express words but they wanted us. It reached a point where I could pick and choose what I wanted to go to because I was so reliable. That ended up with me going to BeachBreak festival to review for them. I got given free swag and backstage access which was amazing. I ended up blagging my way into various interviews and I met everyone on the bill: Friendly Fires, LadyHawke and shit loads of people. The pinnacle was Dizzee Rascal. I realised I didn’t mind doing that or being on camera and that got me into managing a band. I managed them for a little bit. Through managing a band, I started putting on my own gigs so we did the whole thing ourselves. I did it all: marketing; posters; social media. Through that, I realised I enjoyed putting on events which led into me doing makeup for Halloween gigs and then I wanted to be a special effects makeup artist. Then I did bits and bobs for magazines which, years later, fed into Punka. Everything felt random with me trying everything but it’s all followed on. For the past ten-fifteen years, I’ve done it all and it’s all paid off with Punka.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
I don’t think we do know. I don’t think anyone’s life has to have meaning. It’s what you do with it that should matter. The legacy you leave. If you’re a bit of a shit in your life, that’s what you’ll be remembered for. If I’m only remembered for Punka, then I don’t mind that. Asking big questions like this is all good but it’s the little things you do which make bigger ripples in life which affects other people. Not being a dick is what I’m here for. I’m just trying to put a bit of positivity out.
After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I’ve learnt that I talk a lot. I love a natter. I’ve got a long way to go in the way I see myself in terms of my confidence in myself and my abilities. That’s my problem. This week has been a really good example. In my interview, I outlined my strengths and weaknesses. My weakness is that I can do whatever I put my mind to – anyone can – but the problem is my brain letting me do it. It’s that imposter syndrome. I’ve been at Punka and you have been like “look at this! You have created this!” but I can’t cope. It’s like something else happens. [Ed: “But it’s not because you have made that happen!”] Yeah, I know but my brain won’t let me think that! In the last year of Punka, I started getting up at the end of the show to say a few words and that has helped with a lot of confidence. That has spiralled into me being confident enough to do a music show and go live on Twitch which then gave me confidence to do a YouTube channel. I work on my confidence with all of these things but it doesn’t stop it from being a thing.
” I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!” “
After Stu’s open and honest introduction, we decided to focus on his passion project and career path. It was so uplifting to discuss music, nightlife and events through a queer lens. Stu discussed his aversion to pop music, what transparency means to him and where he wants to take Punka in the future.
This is Stu’s middle eight (a personal favourite) and we really start to unpick what it means to be a human.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What does a regular day in Stu’s mind look like?
Skatty. In my mind, I do struggle to get to a time where I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’ll do one or two things on my list of ten and think “oh I’ve achieved something so I’m okay” and then things build up. The world of TV is made for people who leave their dissertation to the night before and I am not one of those people. I don’t like the stress so I will tackle things as much as I can but I am also a bit of a procrastinator. A typical day in mind is just to get something done; just do something. Even if you only get one thing today, it’s something you don’t have to do tomorrow. That is my brain in a nutshell.
What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?
A fairly big part considering that me and Alessio have been pretty inseparable for the last 3 years. We rely on each other for a lot of things and I do really value his opinion. I just like spending time with him. This is the first proper relationship I have had. I’ve dated a lot and I’ve had 3 month things where I’ve realised the right things aren’t going on. But this is the one where it went bang and I knew. This is what I want. He moved here within 6 months of us knowing each other and we have lived together ever since. We very seldom argue about anything and if it is an argument, it’s about something small like what’s on TV. We are boring people who don’t row. I love the fact that every day he does something new which makes me laugh. That is fucking precious. It’s absolute gold. If some motherfucker can’t make me laugh then I don’t want to live with them. I feel like I’ve got a weird relationship in that sense because a lot of people who have met him don’t see that side of his humour as much. They don’t know him as well as they could and I think they would find out that he is ridiculously funny. Such a dry, British sense of humour which sometimes might come off as abrasive if people don’t know him but sometimes I quite like that. People don’t know him like I do. They don’t know we have really fucked up humour. We watch trashy TV, like Hoarders, and if we see a trailer about someone shitting in a bag and keeping it then we can’t wait! Relationships play a big part for me but I can only say I have been all in on this one.
What aspect of friendship do you value most?
Transparency. I say that instead of honesty because that feels easy. I like people who are able to turn around to me and say “I can’t come to your show because I am having a bad day” or “I’ve got the shits”. That transparency and honesty, I like that. There are people who will say “I will never turn up to your gigs” and I appreciate that. There are shady people who are my friends but have unfollowed me on Facebook so they don’t hear about my shit and don’t get invites. But there are people who don’t like the music but will share the event. If I get the transparency, and I know they are who they say they are and are honest with themselves, even if they don’t text back, then it’s something I accept because I don’t know the rest of their lives.
What do you do to make a positive impact on those/the world around you?
I guess this is a Punka thing for me. Even if my only legacy is creating this little club night, even if it’s only for a while and doesn’t go to other cities, I will know that I have given people a period of time where they felt like they were enjoying themselves and they were seen. I hope they understood what I was trying to do. I help as many charities as I can with the money from Punka. And I can proudly say I do pay my bands well. I have been called by a national promoter who said I was an “anomaly” [direct quote] in the sense that I pay all of my acts really well: from opening acts to headliner. I make sure everyone is paid well. That’s probably why they come back. I don’t tend to chase people because they come to me. If anything, I am hoping my impact will be that you can be a gig promoter and, maybe not make as much money for you but, still help others. It doesn’t have to be paying them in exposure because you can’t pay for petrol with exposure. Creating a little corner of the queer scene in Bristol is what I wanted.
What do you do to stay motivated?
Not a lot. At the minute, it’s quite difficult. When we weren’t in the end times, it was thing like my hobbies: “Button Mash” at Kongs or “Punka”. It was having something to work for. Each one has its own mini marketing campaign in my head. Having that motivates me to think “oh shit, you’ve got this thing which you need to do well. You need to sell tickets for it and you need to do this” and that reminds me that I have stuff to get on with. That can ultimately motivate me to do other things. There’s an end goal for certain things and that end goal is each event.
What was the deciding factor to get into gig promoting?
In the vein of me wanting to be seen and heard, which is a massive part of my personality, one of the reasons why we created Punka is because I felt there wasn’t much of an alternative queer scene. There were little rumblings of things – like “Pyschodrama” and Claire’s “Wig in a Box” – but there wasn’t anywhere where I could see people going to queer gigs or just having indie nights. I felt like I wasn’t being seen that much. I could go on a night out and hear the same music in every bar. I don’t know what a fucking Ariana Grande song sounds like! Well it sounds like everything else… As much as every kind of music has its place, I don’t have an affinity with pop music. I find it superficial. People have deep connections with every kind of music but I find pop music very surface level and superficial and that’s why I wanted something more. When we created it [Punka], it was a way of me finding a place where I could go. I would go to gigs like Skunk Anansie or Placebo, see loads of queer people there and then see them on a night out awkwardly dancing to Gina G in the bear bar. I would see them and think “we don’t belong here”. There was no place for queer women because everything is geared towards to cis gay men. We are the main demographic. It’s weird because we are not as acceptable as queer women on TV. In terms of representation, lesbians seem to be a bit more palatable for some people. But somehow everything gets geared towards us [cis gay men]. I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!”. It was more a case of making something that a lot of people would enjoy, having a little bit about the performance side of things but also creating a safe space for people to feel understood and have a platform. A lot of queer punk bands find it hard to find gigs where they are not just the opening band for representation. It’s a lot of box ticking and I didn’t want that.
How does your Punka link to your personal life? How do you think it affects your sense of accomplishment day to day?
Can you repeat the question? I don’t want to go on! In terms of it affecting my day to day life it does in a sense that I have things to work towards. I am a people pleaser. I really am. It’s hard for me to say because it’s a phrase that has negative connotations to it. A bit like the word “selfish”. I can use that for me and think “yeah, I am selfish. I don’t want kids. I want to keep my stuff going”. I like doing the things I like and there is nothing wrong with that. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing and being a people pleaser isn’t either. I don’t do it to the detriment of me but I like to be active in certain groups and post things which people interact with. That gives me an endorphin hit. I like when people interact with the Punka page every so often. I could throw out 5 music videos in one day and there will be one which someone responds to and if carries on into this huge conversation. I find that great because it’s given someone a lift that day. That is my people pleasing mind taking over. I think “this is the thing you like to do”. In terms of the logistics though, I was always planning things for Punka: sort the DJ, buy t-shirts to sell. It was something which became a pet project. There was always something to pick me up and feel a lot better after a shit day at work. There was something on the horizon. Knowing I was doing a club night on Friday kept me going. I just thought “everything is sweet but I have to get to that point”. There is a part of my brain, though, which doesn’t feel any confidence in what I do. Even though it’s got quite a lot of followers and has a good reputation, something tells me “nobody really likes Punka. Nobody takes it seriously.”. This is what my brain does to me. It fucks me up. It wasn’t until this year when I found a box of old Punka t-shirts which I put back out and so many people bought. I made a good chunk of money. People wanted to buy this merch and wear this logo which I scrawled on a scrap piece of paper ages ago. It gave me the biggest boost. It made me think things will be alright after this. It made me book two shows: one I have announced and another in November. I thought “oh shit, take this seriously now and stop being down on yourself.”. My brain is always down on itself. I mess myself up a lot in terms of confidence. But Punka is my baby and is doing really well so I think “maybe I am doing really well too?”
What is your “end goal” in terms of a professional target/life?
My dream end goal, the way I see it if I was some fucking crazy person who trusted other people in other cities, would be for Punka to become a staple of the queer scene. I would want it to be a name that people would trust. I want to do an indie/rock club night for queer people that mainly plays female fronted indie or rock. All the things which are underrepresented. I would want one in every city. It would be a queer Ramshackle. That would be the dream if I trusted other people to not fuck it up! I would love to take a Punka line up to other cities. Maybe I would take a band, a couple of burlesque artists and some drag queens to another city and say “this is what’s going on in Bristol. How are you guys doing?”. We could work with another drag house in another city or a band that is doing well there. We could make it a Punka night which would move there.
HOW TO BE; 