“If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.” – Jamie Tworkowski.
I have started this year all wrong. Everything I promised myself, I have consciously ignored. I’ve drunk wine. I haven’t done any exercise. I’ve spent far too moments sat with anxiety. And I haven’t written anything.
But that’s the good thing about New Years Resolutions: they are bullshit. You don’t have to wait until the dawning of a 366th day to start something new. Yesterday is the best time to start bettering yourself.
With every failure comes a crippling sense of despair; a never-ending loop of self-absorption, bitterness and fury all whilst lacking any wherewithal to improve. But really, what are these failures if not just examples of “being”. Maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s fear or maybe it’s pride… But I am being lazy, being fearful and being too proud. Sometimes I am grateful just to be, even if it feels like it’s never enough. Or far too much. One day, there won’t be any more time to just be.
I want this piece to be a challenge, not only to myself but to you reading. A challenge to think in a different way. I am naturally drawn to the negatives of everything. I have spent 30+ years preparing for a worst case scenario so that if (and/or when) it happens, I am prepared for any turmoil that comes with it. If it doesn’t pan out in a catastrophe, then what an unexpected joy I can bask in. This is a challenge to consciously seek out the things which bring you joy.
Gratitude is a word which is thrown around but never really picked apart. Why is being grateful so important? What power does it possess? What does it really do for a human who can only live in the moment? It’s something which is best understood in times gone by: in moments of reflection, pining or heartbreak. What would you do if somebody told you to sit and think of ten things you are grateful for in this very moment? How easy would it be to reel off a meaningful, honest list? For me, nigh on impossible.
A colleague of mine signed up to a wellbeing app which asks you a question every morning. At the end of last year, on one of our last working days together, it asked her “what do you feel most grateful for today?”. She told me it took her far too long to tune into her gratitude but she ended up with the answer: her legs. She uses them to dance. And run. And they let her walk to places she wants to see. It was an alien concept that took me the best part of a month to digest: her best friend is in a wheelchair. At one point or another, we all take something for granted which others were once grateful for. Youth. Beauty. Memory. Happiness. Freedom.
It’s not the start of the year which has made me reflect. It’s just the side route my broken brain has taken me on. Whilst there is bad in everything, and it’s far too easy recognise, I have to remind myself that there can be good in those places too. That being said, here are some of the things I feel truly grateful for. Maybe you do too.
The internet can answer nearly every question we have in a heartbeat (depending on your provider and SafeSearch settings).
Music exists and saves lives every waking minute.
Love is real. So many different kinds.
Animals are the purest souls on the planet and have absolutely no awareness of that fact.
We can heal: our skin can be mended and so can our hearts and brains.
Most lip balms really work.
You can create your own chosen family.
A lot of art is free and accessible.
Celebrating others’ successes doesn’t take away from your own.
Maths is a universal language. So is smiling.
Drag artists are the mascots of the queer community. And drag is mainstream now.
We are getting closer and closer to finding a cure for cancer.
A lot of people really care about how music is made: how it’s written, produced and delivered is just as important as how it sounds and charts.
Wearing black will always be timeless.
Accomplishments and tragedies bring us closer together. There is no light without darkness. But there also can’t be darkness without light.
Cruelty free products are fashionable and on the rise.
There will forever be an abundance of emotionally damaged female singer/songwriters. I hope that lasts forever.
People can forgive and forget.
Modern medicine works.
Our jobs are not our lives. We have so many outlets that don’t exist in a professional environment. We are learning to work to live, not live to work.
Words are powerful.
There is still some time. For you. For me. For all of us.
I have to say it again. “It’s okay. If you feel too much, there’s still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don’t go. There is still some time.”
2024 started with a whimper and not a bang. It’s taken me too long to just sit and let myself be; to think about how I feel and what I want to say. It’s taken me too long to get over the fear of writing again. It’s turns out that what I needed to focus on my gratitude was more time. And what is another year if not more time?
More than anything, and maybe for the first time in my life, I am grateful for some more time. I hope you are too.
”There are two types of people in the world – those who perform and those who watch.” – Joe Tracini
Something I have become hyper aware of is my presence; in more ways than one. It’s become a chore to just “be” which is a painful irony given that I have set this corner of the internet aside to explore exactly that. It feels like this crushing pressure to be so in every moment that seeing the forest for the trees is another matter entirely. Whether it’s a conversation, a moment of serenity or an event, I cannot seem to find a sweet spot of existence.
My husband and I went to watch Ellie Goulding live recently. If anyone knows me, they know that this counts as a “Very Fucking Big Deal” and, of course, it was. Without dragging you through every moment of the two hour spectacle, we reached the end of the show and she started a speech all about being in the moment and putting your phones away. “When I started going to shows, we didn’t have phones to hide behind so, please, just dance with me for this one” she preached to the crowd. I echoed her sentiment – sure enough, when I started going to gigs, we didn’t film every exclusive and take blurry pictures from 15 metres away. We watched, we sang, we danced and we thrived. Falling on deaf ears, nearly everyone in the the first three rows whipped their phones out to hastily film what ended with a whimper, not a bang (that’s personal preference for you). What is so pressing that we have to document every waking moment of our lives? Is it that we want to share our memories with those around us? Maybe it’s that we need to feel our voice is heard and our presence is felt. “I promise you, you’ll never look at those photos again!” Ellie laughed as she started strumming away and bouncing around the stage. I’m sure she’s right.
Weeks prior, I had been to see Fall Out Boy with two friends, another “Very Fucking Big Deal”. These thoughts of being present were whipping around my head as we drove to Birmingham whilst I was battling with a niggling anxiety of having never been to this venue before. There wasn’t a moment of silence on the car ride there whilst we touched on every topic known to man, catching up after months of adulthood dragged us apart. It was bliss. And I felt present enough. We ate food, we laughed, we danced our way through two hours of nostalgic rock music, and we enjoyed ourselves. The car ride home was much quieter as I was in the back seat, tearing myself apart. Was I really there? Do I remember the music? Did the girls love the show? It’s this “post-event” evaluation which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I have been reading up on “flow”, an idea of time passing by rapidly whilst you are doing something you enjoy. In Csikszentmihalyi’s words, flow is “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter.” Another site tells us: ‘When in a flow state, people pay no attention to distractions and time seems to pass without any notice.” This really hones in on the idea of presence, given that these flow states mean you are solely focusing on one thing. For me, it’s writing, listening to music, playing videos games: escaping. It can be anything for anyone. An inspirational friend of mine takes great pleasure in swimming through ice cold lakes and murky depths: it screams “different strokes for different folks” entirely but the way she shares her inspiration and growth is something altogether magnificent.
Maybe we are present whilst we are engaging in something: it’s just that “time flies when you’re having fun” so it feels as though it’s over before it began. What does it really mean to be in the moment? Is it the feeling of nirvana whilst you are there, one you can barely recall when you’re back to reality? Is it mementos – photos, videos, fleeting memories – you can harken back to? Time passing by is inevitable but, when it moves so quickly you are barely there, it brings up the concern of what you are going back to when the party is over.
Everything ends, that’s a given. But why am I so unsettled with the thought of things finishing? Is there some strange, repressed notion of life which I can’t face going back to? I am happy (read as: “happy enough”) with so many aspects of life: marriage, home life, career, friendships, family. Things are great most of the time. And yet, this post-fun, emotional comedown leaves me reeling. It’s becoming its own anxiety: the feeling of dread when organising time with friends because it will soon be over. Will I be an active listener whilst we’re talking? Am I taking up too much screen time, per se? How long until I can leave? How am I going to stay present in these moments when I know that they will finish and I’ll crawl back to this feeling of emptiness?
Writing this, I feel present. It’s quiet here, and dark too. There’s magic in silence and darkness. I am not clock watching or word counting. I’m just remembering, feeling and writing. A small iota of hope comes from the knowledge that this will happen again: I can feel like this again. Life is just a series of events for everyone but you are your own main character. Be present. Listen. Talk. Cry. Laugh. Sing. And feel.
We should learn to look back on these moments with more fondness and less loss. They happened. We were there. And we can make new memories after. We just have to pull from our reserves – even when we feel empty – to make sure we can live new experiences again. We may feel one way whilst we’re in the eye of the beast and another when it’s over but it’s all swings and roundabouts, as my dad would tell me. I say that with a smile on my face as I stare at the pixelated, over-edited picture I took of Ellie Goulding all those weeks ago. Maybe she was wrong after all.
“I’ve scratched off every follicle, I’ve even torn out teeth. I’ve peeled away each layer of flesh to find what’s underneath.”
I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again. There was a line drawn in the sand a long time ago which separated me from writing anything down. It feels as though there are too many obstacles now: unrelenting fear; crippling sadness; pointless trepidation; endless bouts of demotivating chaos; as well as a desire to live a life outside of a screen.
And yet, here we are. Again.
So much has happened since the last time I let myself just sit down and type. No noise, no distractions, no direction – just me and my thoughts. That, in itself, is terrifying. Why has it been so long? Have I been so worried to write because I don’t know what will come out? Is it a conscious effort to avoid writing in case I unearth some horrible truth which I had buried? Has it been the fear of being judged or alienated because my inner monologue doesn’t align with everyone else’s? Or is it just that the idea of being alone with my brain is enough to push me over the edge again? Maybe by the end of this, we’ll know why.
I have been struggling recently. It’s easy to ask for help now – this isn’t my first rodeo, believe it or not – but writing it down, immortalising it, is something else entirely. It’s not a phone call to your mum saying you’re feeling flat and it’s not a text to your friend asking for a wine and a catch up. It’s heavier. It’s vulnerable. And it’s ugly. It doesn’t matter how much we battle to rid our society of the stigma attached to mental health issues, there will always be some kind of reaction to the word “depression”. I often wonder how that feels for others. What comes to mind when you read that word?
For me, it’s become a bird. Somedays, the heaviest albatross around my neck. Others, a visiting robin who reminds me of a loved one. It can fly quietly, almost unrecognisably, in the back of my mind or it can soar over me, whipping up a maelstrom of chaos from underneath. It feels like something I am desperate to cage but it will always leaves feathers, just to remind me it’s never confined for long. Birds, to me, are freedom and life incarnate and so maybe that’s why I have attached them to my depression: that juxtaposition might help me to better understand that without darkness there can be no light.
I’ve been feeling small and that’s where my darkness resides. It’s become this overwhelming fear and sadness that I’m not taking up any space. No doubt born from a place of insecurity, it’s this voice telling me that I am insignificant. What space am I supposed to take up? Is there a limit to how “me” I am supposed to be? Should I be letting others know about my pain and hardships or should I be inviting them to celebrate my successes? What does that balance look like? There is a constant battle between being too much and not being enough and it’s a fine line which I have never learnt to tread. Retreating inwards on yourself truly is a double edged sword: you have time to refresh, recharge and reevaluate what is going on but you also separate yourself from those closest to you. Striving for connection and reeling from validation is just as jarring: with others around, you should feel more present but with that comes to the upkeep of extroversion and confidence which oftentimes is exhausting. Why are these grey areas of “being” so difficult to circumnavigate? Have you discovered your happy medium? I’m genuinely curious, and the slightest bit desperate, to know.
Some days, I feel everything and I feel it all through a magnifying glass. Overwhelming, encapsulating, all encompassing emotions – I feel them too much. Other days, I am just a husk: hollowed out and void, numb to existence. How can there be such a dichotomy in me? The transition from everything to nothing feels too swift and ruthless: blindsiding and breathtaking. The tide settles but the sea never stays calm for long.
Being left alone with these thoughts, and individually, it can feel like we are nothing. There is a word which seems to follow me around – sonder – which is defined as “the profound feeling of realising that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one’s own, which they are constantly living despite one’s personal lack of awareness of it.” It’s rare to find a word which so accurately sums up an entire sensation, let alone one which can incite feelings of isolation and union at the same time. Feeling alone in the world, being lost and broken, you are a grain of sand. But together, we can become a beach. Our cumulative experiences and journeys allow us to see that we are part of something much bigger; something which is only realised when we are together. I remind myself daily that we need people and that our connection drives us forward. We, as humans, are nothing and everything, all at once. It’s weathering the storms of nothingness and embracing those moments of everything which is the fight: a battle can be won, but wars can last a lifetime.
Maybe these feelings of insignificance will dissipate as soon as I click publish. Maybe these words are my way of taking up more space and maybe they’ll make you feel some type of way. Maybe I won’t feel this way a year from now. All I know is that something has shifted and I’m ready to talk again. I can only hope you’re still there to listen.
Sometimes it feels as though everything is new whilst other times, it’s like nothing is different at all. But I feel changed.
Every single night, I lay down and feel the words settle in my body and then level out in my brain. I think of writing down every truth and hardship: the landscape poetry of my insides. Then, as always, it amounts to nothing. What is stopping me? Am I worried that I won’t feel the same in the morning? That those words will feel hollow or worse – dramatic? That I may wake up, fully formed, and regret what I shared? Am I terrified that writing those letters out will make all of this “real” again? Is there still a huge fear of judgement and rejection from those around me?
Maybe that’s the problem. Or maybe I am the problem. I have come full circle on a shapeless idea.
Regardless, here are the words I’ve wanted to write for so long.
I am caught in a maelstrom of swimming up from the all too familiar depths of sadness whilst desperately trying to bask in those magical moments that make life feel worth it.
On a good day, I am full of love and light: showering friends and family in adoration, gifts, quality time and meaningful words.
On a bad day, existing hurts. Every fibre of my being tells me that this thing we’re all doing – just “living” – is an alien concept. That I have to be working towards some bigger goal: some landmark achievement which will mean I leave a legacy behind once my organs are giving somebody else life and my ashes are sprouting out trees. And if I’m merely existing – not acting on thoughts, not constantly people pleasing, not dedicating endless hours to a greater good – why does it feel like a waste?
Why is there no happy medium? Why are the days of just plodding along so few and far between? Why does contentment feel like a lifetime away and yet, sometimes, I find it whilst lost in a song; in the pages of a book; in those hazy fifteen minutes of waking up on a Saturday with nothing to do? Why is it so hard to cling to those fleeting glimpses of joy and bliss, then add them up cumulatively to give my life (more) meaning?
I don’t have the answers yet but I am working towards them. I may find them all out by the next blog post. I may figure some things out as I get older. A revelation may strike me on my deathbed. Or maybe I will never find out at all.
But I can’t add another “what if” to my tapestry. I need understanding. And, thanks to my inherent and offensive lack of patience, I want it now.
When I started this blog, I hid behind others: not just because I wanted to share their stories and feel close to people but because I was desperate to eschew my own vulnerabilities. I have finally reached a place where I want to talk about them: share them: discuss them: learn from them: and work on them.
That’s not to say I won’t feature anyone else again. In fact, I hope this shift will push me to reach out to others. For far too long I have been content to exist alone: without the need for others, I have been able to let the other half of me rest and recharge before facing the world. But there are two sides to every coin and perhaps that distance between the two is what makes things feel so overwhelming.
From here on out, I want to share my thoughts with you all. The absolute spectrum of humanity: my successes and victories; my fears, worries, concerns and insecurities; my thoughts on what goes on in our heads and what it means to ”live”. I can only hope you will feel a stir of something, whether it’s an echo of familiarity or the discomfort of something new.
This change isn’t a cause for concern. The deafening silence from the blog was something to be worried about: I had retreated, covered my eyes and ears and pretended nothing needed to be done.
In fact, I feel better now. I can look back in retrospect and piece my thoughts together. I can justify my feelings and move forward, making sure my next low is not as catastrophic as the last. I can share my thoughts with you and every fibre of my being hopes that you can help.
So this is it. Beginning again. I am lost somewhere in an ocean of terror, relief and uncertainty. But one thing I am certain of is my readiness.
Thank you for everything along the way. This is a new chapter and it’s ours; together.
After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.
I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.
Dear Hannah,
Your interview was, hands down, one of my favourites. Not just because you are an incredible human with a staggering amount of wisdom but also because I got to relive all of the laughs, the silences, the inside jokes, the pensive pauses, the sideways glances and every other nuance that makes you an inspirational human. I hope that transcribed well to the blog and people got to know you on a certain level but, truth be told, this section is for me and I was full of joy writing out what you had said. Thank you for letting me in.
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I felt such a connection with you but I often think back to working in Moles together, on cheese nights, and getting our absolute lives. I was a shy, recently outed, wildly unconfident little man but there you were: this absolute goddess who pranced around behind the bar, singing her heart out to Spice Girls. You took me under your wing and inspired me from day dot. You were unapologetically yourself and that gave me the drive to find myself too. Without even realising it, you inspire so many people just by being you.
I know you say you have lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem over the years but, even talking about who you were and how you were, we both know you can find that person again. She is in there – hidden underneath layers of rejection, COVID stresses, London lifestyle and adulthood responsibilities – and she is coming right back out. You have found the motivation to search for who you are and that takes a lot of courage, time, patience and desire. You have bucket loads. It’s brave to be so open about uncertainty and, again, that has only inspired me more to delve harder into my therapy; ask more challenging questions in my interviews; and reach out to friends for answers and support. Most of all, support.
The hardships you have faced up until now have certainly shaped you as a person but you still boast this warm, funny, positive, friendly personality. I am always in awe of you. The way you hold yourself – your physicality and sentimentality – is beautiful, even down to your laugh which fills me with joy whether it’s a hearty guffaw or a tiny giggle. You could have built up this hard exterior and refused to let anyone in but the fact that you walk with your head held high, proud of your journey, will always fill others with awe. It really hit home when you were describing your jigsaw like mind and how you piece together everything: I think so many other humans do that too and being so open about such a personal thing will undoubtedly help hundreds.
This sense of community you feel is obvious. You are helping others without even realising it and I have no doubt you will continue to do this so long as you find and follow what sparks joy and makes you happy. But you are already well on your way to that discovery and I am overjoyed that you are finding little victories on your way to the bigger picture.
“The whole of that time there was a lingering doom.”
Last month, I had a three hour long catch up with Hannah, an old friend of mine from university. We go months without talking to one another but, once we are sat together (even virtually), it all comes so naturally. It was nothing short of a joy to hear Hannah talk about her life in this way. There were things we knew already, things we have never touched on and absolute surprises.
In her interview, Hannah opened up about her acting career, the loss of her father and just how close she is with her family now.
Hannah pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Hannah Sinclair Robinson. I grew up in Reading but now live in Brixton. I am an actor but I guess you could say I make my living as as assistant manager at a pub in Oxford Circus. I would love to be making a living as an actor but, as we are building a career, most of the money comes from a pub so… thank you pub!
What do you do for a living? Is it a passion or something you really enjoy?
I am an actor. I would say that is my profession but the powers that be require financial offerings so I am the assistant manager at a pub. It does not fulfil me but it is a necessary evil so I can pursue the career of my dreams. I love everything that comes with being an actor. Hmm, no! I don’t love everything that comes with it but I do very much enjoy being an actor. I think there are a certain type of people that are drawn to being actors and I think I get a lot of my self worth from being told I’m good. I need that validation! We are working towards separating those two though.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well?
My mental health is better, much better, than it was late last year. I noticed it was the worst it had been. The pandemic, the lack of auditions, the lack of work: it all affected me. I have a really bad habit of attaching my self worth to my career and work so if I don’t get jobs then my self worth and self esteem goes all the way down. It plummets. It doesn’t do that quickly though. It’s a very slow spiral that’s will involve me punishing myself until I feel really bad and we feel comfortable in the sadness. We rest in the sad bed we have made! It’s much better now and I am much better at identifying the triggers which set off that spiral. I am much better at taking care of myself. It’s still in the works because a core part of my no self worth comes from not knowing who I am. As an actor, it’s really easy to shape shift as a person: I can change aspects of myself to suit people, circumstances etc. I can pull something out of my vocabulary or from my physical form and that helps me adapt. That has resulted in me feeling quite lost. I don’t know what I like or who I am, really. That is an aspect I am working on in therapy – trying to find out what those things are. My therapist always asks me what I like and I genuinely don’t know. At one point she asked me to list things I am good at and I didn’t know. I said I am good at making other people happy but that’s for them, not me. I feel like I’m doing okay and I have things in place. Wait, what was the other part of the question? [long pause] Therapy. That’s the main thing. Journaling! Here we go. Taking time out to do things that I know will make me feel good. Even though it’s super boring, I ensure my tax folder is up to date and that relieves so much anxiety. Ensuring that I have read all of my emails, I see that as self-care. If I put those things off, that makes my anxiety even worse. Doing these things might not feel great in the moment but they are helping out future Hannah. Also, feel free to edit that down so it makes sense! [Ed: “I will do my best!”]
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Yes, I do. I have a diverse and extensive network of friends that I can go to for different things. All of them are very supportive. I have quite a good foundation with my family as well. We are quite a large family – my Grandma was 1 of 8 – and everyone is really supportive of everything. My mum is the ringleader of that. I am really close to my aunties and when I found out I didn’t get an audition, I went off on one and my mum was away so they listened to me crying down the phone about it. If anything ever happened to anyone in the family, we can all rely on one another.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I am an only child, if that wasn’t obvious! I lived both of my parents and there was a really good relationship there. I had a really nice childhood: my parents worked super hard and it’s only now I realise how hard they must have worked to provide all the stuff I had as a child. My dad would work days and nights and worked his entire life until a year or so before he died. They ensured I had a really comfortable and lovely childhood. My mum’s side of the family is super tight – we would spend summers on holiday with my aunties, uncles, cousins. I would stay with my godmother whilst mum was working. We were really close and connected with a lot of the family. I also think because I am an only child, they rallied around to ensure I wasn’t alone or feel like a loner. My cousins are what sisters feel like. They are closest thing I have to sisters.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
For what? [Ed: “for life, honey! What else?”] Oh! Well, that’s the crux then, isn’t it? I find it in nature. I don’t get out into as often as I should. I know it does me really good but I’m not good at leaving the house these days. The park is 3 minutes away from me but I still can’t bring myself to leave the house. Every time I do go for a walk, it’s lovely. Seeing the detail in nature is insane. I like to surround myself with plants in here too. I feel really connected to the earth when I pot plants. I like seeing how intricate our planet it. It’s so detailed! It’s inspiring to me, really.
What has your experience worth COVID been like?
First of all, I am incredibly surprised nobody in my household got it! There are 6 people living in the house. We have had a house move and nobody has had it. There have been some scares but we have all been negative, thank God, touch wood. I haven’t personally known many people that have had it so I don’t feel like I have a direct experience. I have friends who are nurses and they have relayed the horrors of working in the ICU. My mum has friends who have had it and passed away but their age bracket is more vulnerable. I noticed a difference from Reading to London. Reading, in the suburbs, everyone was much more wary and really strict with the rules. I lived there for 3 months then I came to London and everyone was on the tube with no mask and huge amounts of people. It was absolutely awful. There was such a different attitude from being in the suburbs where everyone was so afraid and in London everyone was just getting on with it: getting public transport, going to work. When the pubs re-opened, that was really difficult to manage. Everything changed. We went to table service, having a host on the front desk, masks for everyone, sanitising stations. Both industries that I am involved in shut down. Apart from my financial loss, it hasn’t been that bad. I have to pay my rent and survive and that’s all. I don’t have kids or a mortgage which are massive stressors. I am in a very fortunate and privileged position in that, if I couldn’t pay my rent anymore, I would have to move back into my mum’s house. Everyone is in different situations but I got furloughed and focused on my acting career so I made it work. In lockdown, I have had a “positive” experience except we are in the global pandemic. A lot of my views come from a place of privilege. My mental health is a major stressor but I don’t have any dependants which would make things more difficult. I am very fortunate so COVID hasn’t had a huge effect on me.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
Black woman. That’s the most obvious thing. Personality wise, what’s the word? I don’t want to say friendly because that’s a cliché but I think I am quite charismatic. I don’t want to toot my own horn! [Ed: “I think you are charismatic!”] Oh good, me too! [laughs]
What is the biggest hardship you have faced in your life?
Hands down it was when my dad died. There has been a couple of instances because my mum has had breast cancer twice. The first time I was really young so I didn’t really understand: I was just sad and scared. The biggest hardship was my dad passing away though. He had cancer for years and all of that time was during my formative years from 15 to about 24. The whole of that time there was a lingering doom. We knew from the beginning he wasn’t going to get better. We had to deal with that for around 9 years. You were there for most of it. I remember drinking vodka with undiluted squash in your old flat…. We were both so sad but a different kind of sad. It was rough stuff.
Hannah’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.
You can keep up to date with what Hannah is up to on her Instagram here. She also runs an incredible self-help account called you may grow.
“It is a story of grace that I have been saved again and again. “
The final part of Katie’s interview touches on everything from her fear to her hopes for the future. We discuss how becoming a parent changes every aspect of life as well as relentless optimism and its place in the modern world. Katie never held back and was ready for every question and this is a very special, and meaningful, interview. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.
What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent that from taking over?
[long pause] I don’t have many things [that I am scared of] which is amazing. The people pleasing thing is something which plays on my mind in terms of the fear aspect. I constantly think I have done something wrong or that I haven’t done enough. How do I prevent it? I have to talk it through. I talk with Robbie a lot and, this might be a sweeping statement but, I think a man thing is to be able to compartmentalise: thinking like “they will be them, you will be you. Move on, don’t stress”. Sometimes I need Robbie to tell me that I have been brilliant and the fact I am second guessing myself is a people pleasing thing but there isn’t truth in it. As with most overthinking anxiety based habits in our brain, they are usually ‘us’ based: they are things we have imagined in our head almost. You don’t want somebody to say “it’s all in your head, buck up” but it’s nice to hear from someone else that you have done all you can. Sometimes you need someone who is able to put things in perspective because they are outside of the situation. I just don’t want to upset someone accidentally. I need to talk about it but sometimes I will get there myself. But sometimes it’s just about me coming on period! Hormones do random things to my emotions.
What is something you really want to do that you’re not doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
All the things that I want to do over the next year I am putting in place now. I am talking to live agents now, putting together a tech rider, putting a new setlist together and working towards that. I am potentially looking at making new merch. I love fashion! All I wear is big, baggy t-shirts with patterns on so why don’t I have any merch? I don’t know. I have got in touch with a female graphic designer who will make a new logo for me and incorporate that onto tie-dye t-shirts. A big personal goal at some point is to become a mum and I am not doing that just yet. Why not? Because I love my job. I am not admitting that when I do that I won’t be able to pursue songwriting anymore because I will be able to but I know it will change things. I don’t want to be naive in the fact that having kids changes everything in your life. My darling husband has had crazy success and just signed to a major label and now his, and my, future has changed massively. That affects us having kids because that could mean I am the stay at home mum. And, let me stress, that is no lesser in any way. It’s just different than what I had originally thought. I understand that when you have kids your thought processes change: it might be that I never want to leave them and I might want to leave songwriting behind. The children might fulfil me more. But then also, I might miss songwriting still and want it to evolve into something else. That need for work will still always be a passion of mine.
What type of outlook on life do you have? Where do you think that comes from?
Relentless optimism. Everyone has always told me that my entire life. I think optimism can also equal naivety and, in the past, that has led me to bad situations. It made me hold onto bad situations longer than I needed to. My optimism might be to the detriment of myself sometimes but it does mean I can almost sail through life because nothing feels bad. For that, I am grateful. You are easily pleased. Somebody could bring me an oat milk flat white and a chocolate bar and that’s my day made. A lot of people argue the nature vs nurture thing but I feel I was born with this. My sisters are different to me. They both have a fraction of optimism but I have the most. Some of it comes from my parents but I do think I was born with it. I’m not sure where it stemmed from. I have always been like it and it’s strange. There is something about nature rather than nurture.
What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from that?
The bible. It comes into my life day after day and has done for my whole life. I read it most days. It is an unchanging book which has been present since day dot. It’s not everything that I live my life by but it is a huge factor. Scripture has changed the way I think; the way I live; the way I am towards other people; the way I am as a person; how I cope; how I learn; how I work; how I love. The bible has changed everything for me.
What song should we listen to whilst reading this about you?
“Top Of The World” by Kimbra. It’s very feminist and powerful. It is proclaiming out loud what you are good at. That’s what that means to me.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
Little babies. New, pure, innocent, unjaded, bitterless kids. They are beautiful because of that. They are untouched by the things of the world. They are what they are and they cannot be anything else because nobody has taught them how to lie yet. They bring their full selves to you, even before they can talk, and I love it. Their smile is pure joy. Music is beautiful. My whole life is built around this. No matter what country I am in, what culture I am experiencing, no matter how you identify – music is the common ground. You will always be able to understand music together. Music is music and is always inspiring. You can communicate anything through music. The earth. Flipping heck! When I want to see God’s beauty, that is what I do. I go out and see it. We need hope right now but seeing buds and flowers, as hippie as it is, there is something about connecting with the human spirit when you see something burst forth from what looks dead. You can see a whole reflection of the sky in a lake and that is untouched by man. That is one of the biggest things. I see a lot of beauty in love. I mean affection. When I walk along the street and you see a child holding someone’s hand, and I recognise that need for affection: when I see my husband’s neck full of whiskers: when I pat my mum on the back because she is unpacking. Physical love is very beautiful. The closeness you get from physicality is beautiful. I want to say food! When I cook meals, I go to the nth degree to present them beautifully. It sounds stupid but I get so much pleasure from laying things out beautifully. With cooking, there is colour, taste, and smell which makes it more than two dimensional beauty.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?
Grace. I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life. When I look back on them, they could’ve so easily changed the course of my life to a bad path. To a path where, ultimately, I would be unhappy and unfulfilled. Somehow, even though and despite these bad decisions, I have ended up with my perfect life. The prominent feeling in my head is gratitude. I have been shown so much grace no matter what. It is a story of grace that I have been saved again and again.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
To love. In whatever form that is. I want to love everyone around me to the best of my ability. I want to support, encourage and enthuse them. I want to love people back to life. I want to love alongside. I want to love moving forward. I want to love whilst stuck in the mud. I want to love whilst things morph. I want to love evolution.
After talking through everything, what have you learnt about yourself and your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I am aware that, during this, every time you have asked me to tell you something good about myself, I have always book ended it with something bad. That is interesting because I like to have a balanced and sober judgement of myself and I want to see the same thing from two different angles. It makes me understand other people well and accept that. I might be able to see something bad but I think “yeah they are like this too, though, and that’s great”. Clearly I do that a lot with myself too. I don’t always need to put the negative spin on it too: for myself, I could just say what I am good at. I need to be invested in the truth of what I am.
My open letter to Katie will go live tomorrow.
You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.
“I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again.”
I had the honour and privilege of talking to one of my favourite people ever, Katie, a few weeks ago. Our friendship is far more than skin deep and we discuss these things quite frequently and openly so it means a lot that Katie would let me share her story so publicly. We delved straight into her marriage, her relationship with God and what she has taken from a lockdown of songwriting.
These first 8 questions are the merely the beginnings of a much bigger conversation.
Katie’s pronouns are “she/her”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
My name is Kat, Katie Sky, Kitty, Kit-Kat, Aunt Kathy! I have many names and guises but they all stem from my real name Catherine. I was born in Greenfield in Oldham, up north. I have lived in Bristol for 14 years and am not going to move any time soon. I am a singer and songwriter full time -professional! I love writing songs: it’s the reason I am alive and I am addicted to it and I will continue to do so until I am not cool enough anymore. I like reading books, I love cooking, I am still trying to be a runner as everyone is in lockdown. I love travelling to other countries, understanding different cultures and learning about different people. I am a Christian and a lover of Jesus. That’s it…. This is way more than 30 seconds isn’t it? [Ed: “yes, it certainly is Kitty”].
What has your experience with COVID been like?
In general, I feel super lucky that I managed to get married just before COVID hit and I moved in with my husband so I haven’t had to be by myself. I am an extrovert and wouldn’t have been able to cope with that. I have had Robbie [husband] to weather this storm with. We have had lots of bonding in our first year of marriage and that’s been amazing. Music has really stepped up for me over the last year too. So many people have been struggling financially and questioning their career choices because society has literally stopped but that has not happened for me or Robbie. It’s been coming in: lots of paid music jobs. I had a lot of releases last year. I think 17? Last year, during the peak of COVID, music was saving me. It will always save me but, financially through COVID, it has saved me. The downsides of it is missing family and friends. The thing which has upset me the most has been not seeing my 1 year old niece and nearly 2 year old nephew who are growing so much and changing and I haven’t been there for any of it. That has been the same for everyone around the country but that has been my biggest struggle: not seeing those two little squidgies! I am hearing “now they can stand up, now they can walk, now they can say your name” and I want to see those stages but I feel I have missed out. It’s scary because you feel like you will never get that time back.
Reflect on your mental and physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you are well every day?
This is interesting because I have taken up a few more recently. Something I have done every day for the last month and a half is flossing my teeth! I wanted to get better at it because I want Invisalign. My dentist literally said to me “if you do not floss every day for the next three months until I next see you, I won’t give you Invisalign.”. That ultimatum really works for me. In terms of other mental health attitudes, I like listening to good music every day and having a dance around my house. People put things on social media saying that dancing is a physical way to put yourself in a positive state of mind. A little dance will cheer me up! The other thing I do a lot in my mind is pray. I always want to become a better version of myself and a part of Christianity is wanting to deal with and be self aware of the things we are not good at and the things we are really good at. You acknowledge the two and their differences and then focus on how to influence the people around you for good.
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
Yes. I was thinking the other day – if you go onto someone’s Whatsapp, isn’t it telling how many groups you are part of? I’ve got hundreds! Not sure if that’s a good thing or a burden. But I can see the amount of amazing people I could text to say “I need you” and they would come running. I am stupidly grateful for that. My friends are all different people – from all walks of life – but there is always common ground no matter what friendship it is. As well as having two best friend big sisters, I have obviously got a super fit husband who is also my best friend. He will listen to me talk even if he doesn’t understand me. There is so much support from him. Then a plethora of friendship groups who would do anything for me too. As I am saying it now, it’s crazy how many people I have in my life who I love.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I’m the youngest of three: I have two older sisters. We are textbook “eldest, middle and youngest child”. The older I have got and have studied these “syndromes” and characteristics they are, the more I realise we are textbook. Even now, I am seen as the baby and my parents are like “oh well done!” if I do anything. Parents can never switch off – they are going to be my parents for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter that I am old enough and ugly enough to look after myself. They will always ring and say “have you drunk enough water?”. That is something that will always make me laugh: that I will always be the youngest to them in a good way. Having two older sisters has been amazing. They are so wise and they have gone through everything first. They got married before me; they had kids before me; they moved home before me. It might have been different it they were brothers but to be the same sex as your older siblings, and to have such incredible examples to follow through life, [is amazing]. We all have very different personalities but there is still that thing where I look back and realise I was using them as the example of the right things to do because they did it first, before me. It’s amazing to have two older sisters that I love and respect as much as then. Then Mum and Dad – flipping heck! I am so grateful that they are still together and that is such a rarity. They have been an incredible example of what marriage is and what love looks like. They were the type of parents who let us try anything we wanted to do. I did violin for 7 years when I was younger and I got up one day like “I don’t want to do that anymore” and they said “yeah that’s fine, you’ve tried it!”. Then I wanted to be a goth and Mum let me buy spiky goth chokers and that was fine. Then I wanted to be a majorette and they loved that too. Looking back, I am so thankful. They were quite strict as parents: we had lots of rules in terms of boyfriends and chores. But now I see that is the reason why my work ethic is as strong as it is because they made me work for it. I worked in a fish and chip shop at 16. It looked strict at the time but they were trying to bring these characteristics out into the forefront and it’s worked. I am still super close with Mum and Dad – they call me every other day. I am still super close with both of my sisters in my life. I go straight to them for any wisdom.
Where do you find your daily inspiration?
It depends what you mean! If it’s inspiration for songs, it could be anything. I am reading a book at the moment that is inspiring. I could be watching an episode of Fleabag on Amazon Prime and think “yes feminism! I want to write a song about this”. It could be a conversation I’ve had with a friend when they are struggling with mental health and I can write it from their perspective and tell their story. It could be literally anything. Listening to other people’s music does it too. If you are talking about inspiration in life, that is anything too! I am currently writing this week’s food shop and I am on BBC GoodFood and am excited about everything I can cook. I get very inspired by food because I am a foodie. Also going for walks and being around nature especially during lockdown. Seeing all the buds on the trees, and noticing this shift to Spring and things getting ready to burst forth, is very inspiring. I’ve got plants in the garden which are about to get there. There is a lemon tree in my back garden and the lemons are slowly going yellow and that is inspiring me too.
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion?
I am a full time, professional singer and songwriter. It’s the reason I am alive.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
I think they’ll probably say “wow, she’s loud! Okay, this lady has a lot of confidence.” Or that I am super friendly. Maybe too friendly? I would say loud and friendly. It used to be my hair because it was blue and strangers would be like “oh I love your hair!”. Other than that, they might say something about what I am wearing because I like big, bold patterns.
What do you think is the biggest hardship that you’ve faced in your life so far?
I’m not sure if I would call it a hardship but the worst thing that I have experienced is a relationship I was in nearly ten years ago. I was engaged to a guy and it was the first time in my life where I lost my sense of self. I forgot who I was in this other person. I think that happens more than we would like to admit. I am quite a naive person but I have a thicker skin now because of things like this. Back in the day, I was naive and super friendly and that characteristic, put in contact with someone who would use that against you, was a bad combination. That’s what that relationship was unfortunately. Definitely at the time I hated it but, looking back, I wouldn’t take it back because I understand now I had to go through that to understand who I am and who I am supposed to be. I will never dilute myself down for anyone ever again but I wouldn’t know that now without that. It was an emotionally manipulative and sometimes physically abusive relationship whereby I was pretty much marrying this man: I had a dress and a date. It got very very bad and went into self-destruct mode and took me a while to figure out how bad it was. I managed to get myself out of the situation and never looked back. Thank the Lord for that. Losing who I was for the benefit of someone else is the hardest thing I have faced. That’s not what love is but I know that now.
Katie’s middle 8 will go live on Wednesday.
You can follow Katie Sky on her YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page. She also has a huge catalogue of songs available on Spotify and Apple Music.
“Whatever makes you different can be your superpower.”
In these final eight questions, Stu and I discussed the other parts of him: from fears to aspirations; outlooks to the meaning of his life. Stu never held back with anything and laid his cards bare on the table which made for some incredible answers.
It’s been a joy to talk to Stu like this and I hope you have all taken something from it.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What is your biggest fear? How do you prevent this from taking over?
My biggest fear is loneliness. Being an only child, weirdly I am one of those people who doesn’t like their own company. I do stupid shit when I am on my own because my brain does a wobble. To end up being really lonely would be a nightmare. That is a fear of mine. My friends tell me to do things on my own (which I have done but they’re rubbish) because I do like to have people around me all the time – maybe in a co-dependant way but hopefully not. When I used to live on my own I found that really difficult. I prevent that by hitting people up to make plans but the older you get you realise that people don’t want to meet up in the week because of work. God forbid they get to bed after 10pm! Then the weekend comes and people want to chill out because they’ve had a tough week. You can end up scrambling for things to do or people to meet up with. Luckily enough, I live with Alessio so I always have company and I also have this dickhead [cat]. I didn’t have siblings to play with growing up and it did make me jealous of people who had that. Whenever I had friends round, I was always the person that said “Stay for tea! Play another game! A few more hours!” because I didn’t want to be on my own by the end of the evening.
What is something you really want to do/start that you aren’t doing? Why aren’t you doing it? What can you put into place to achieve it?
Not a lot. I’ve always wanted to do a YouTube channel and now I’ve started it. I’ve always wanted to draw or make a comic book but never got around to it because of the confidence thing. “There are better artists out there. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you putting pen to paper when people can do this better than you?” That instantly stops me doing things. The thing that is stopping me is literally my brain. I need to start drawing for fun again. Just doodle. I can always think of other things to do instead though. Last year, I wanted to do a drawing of each drag artist I know. I started with Ruby [Rawbone] and never did another. I had the wrong paper so bought a new pad but never started again. I used the paper to make little notes to send to people instead!
What type of outlook on life do you have? Are you naturally positive? Where do you think that comes from?
I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on life and that comes from the depressive side of my brain. That’s the most honest answer you’ll get from me. Part of my brain tries to say it’s realistic. I try to look for the best in people and think the best about them but in situations to do with me, I am always pessimistic. A pessimist is never disappointed as they say.
What book/album/film/artist has changed your life? What did you take from it?
I can whittle this down to two things. From an early age, I have always read comics. I understood myself more when I started to read X-Men comics. The X-Men are an allegory for minorities, as we know. I was growing up and not understanding anything about my sexuality (because it was the 80s and 90s with Section 28) in a small town, you just hear and see things on TV and know that whatever you are is “wrong”. This is a comic I was reading where people were born different and they used that to celebrate themselves and help people. I was always reading Batman, Iron Man, Catwoman and they all wore masks. None of the X-Men did that except Wolverine. These people were out and proud. They had codenames but used their real names too. They were superheroes that didn’t mind seeing being seen and were proud to be different. Even Nightcrawler who had blue skin and looked like a monster! Everyone was afraid of him but he was really nice and religious… and didn’t wear a mask. He let people see him. Given that, I hid in the closet for so many years and I probably shouldn’t have. I still read that comic. It’s nice that that was being seen and they were in the public eye. It gave me an outlook of a) don’t judge a book by it’s cover and b) whatever makes you different can be your superpower. Second thing is obviously Garbage [band]. My mum always said she was worried I wouldn’t get into music because I was so into art and comics. She thought videogames would be my thing but she loves music. When I hit my teens, all I wanted to do was listen to music I went from pop to rave and everything that was around in the 90s: the weird hip-hop swing grunge. I latched onto that. I was the only one that gave a shit about NME, Melody Maker, Kerrang. Other people cared about what the Spice Girls were up to. In the 90s, indie rock was given the biggest platform it has ever been given. Female fronted bands had a massive surge in that time. It was huge – even that was in Smash Hits and on Top of the Pops. I enjoyed that part of it. These rebellious women were there and my brain instantly saw them as a woman in a man’s world doing something which men usually do [play rock music]. They were front and centre. They felt like me: not fitting in but not minding and doing my own thing, For some reason, Garbage came along. I heard “Vow” on the Evening Sessions and I remember having this massive stereo and the song started and, as soon as it kicked in and I listened to the lyrics, it kind of floored me. I sat on my ass to listen to the song. A few weeks later, they turned up on TV and from that moment there was something about it. These weird samples and hip-hop beats but it was rock and heavy and didn’t sound like BritPop. I saw the band and she was so striking. So beautiful but not conventionally so. The rest of the band looked like weird old men. I responded to that because they were freaks. I liked it. I saw an interview with Shirley and she was so forthright and very outspoken. Then that was it. I thought “this is what I’m into”.
What song should we listen to whilst reading about you?
Something by Garbage. I dunno though. I’d say either “Queer” by Garbage (for obvious reasons) or my favourite song is “Push It”.
Name five beautiful things in life. Tell me why you think they are beautiful.
Music. The reason why is because the same song can mean completely different things to completely different people. It can create some beautiful memories that can help you out. You do a lot of healing with music – not like panpipes – but you can stuff to people’s lives with music.
Random acts of kindness that happen between strangers. I quite like that. I like to do something nice in the moment. You might never see them again but you’ve had a moment where you’ve helped them out for no other reason than you’re another reason and I should help you. I find that beautiful but the way we are now is mistrusting and it doesn’t happen often. People don’t want their actions to be misconstrued and that’s a shame.
Connecting at the end of a night. I have so many memories of being with all my friends in a circle after a gig or club night and we would all be singing at each other at the top of our voices. Having that connection is really beautiful and something I always remember.
Support. I mean all types of support. It might mean nothing to one person but means something to someone else. Not necessarily being supportive, not like “I’m always there for you” but I have people on Facebook who never come to my shows or live near me but, for algorithms sake, they will share an event of mine. It helps with reach and that kind of support is beautiful. There are some people I haven’t seen since school but it’s that little “I’ve got you” wink can mean a lot to someone. It’s really strange that we don’t all do it. It doesn’t take a lot to support someone. It doesn’t have to be monetary either! It can be showing up or a recommendation or sending a playlist. Everything creates ripples in my head.
Purple is beautiful.
If you could sum up your life so far in one word, what would it be and why?
Long! [laughs] and Wide! No. There isn’t one word but it would be doing a little bit of everything. My thing is that, for years, I have tried to do so many different things. People might see that as a lack of focus but I am always looking for new things which I want to give a go and see where it takes me. Everything in my life has led onto something else. I met a guy at a job who wanted to go to gigs but didn’t have anyone to go with so I started going with him. We started a Facebook group where we reviewed the shows and then a magazine reached out to us to write articles for them but we had to take down the group on Facebook because we were taking all of their traffic. They didn’t say it in those express words but they wanted us. It reached a point where I could pick and choose what I wanted to go to because I was so reliable. That ended up with me going to BeachBreak festival to review for them. I got given free swag and backstage access which was amazing. I ended up blagging my way into various interviews and I met everyone on the bill: Friendly Fires, LadyHawke and shit loads of people. The pinnacle was Dizzee Rascal. I realised I didn’t mind doing that or being on camera and that got me into managing a band. I managed them for a little bit. Through managing a band, I started putting on my own gigs so we did the whole thing ourselves. I did it all: marketing; posters; social media. Through that, I realised I enjoyed putting on events which led into me doing makeup for Halloween gigs and then I wanted to be a special effects makeup artist. Then I did bits and bobs for magazines which, years later, fed into Punka. Everything felt random with me trying everything but it’s all followed on. For the past ten-fifteen years, I’ve done it all and it’s all paid off with Punka.
What do you think the meaning of your life is?
I don’t think we do know. I don’t think anyone’s life has to have meaning. It’s what you do with it that should matter. The legacy you leave. If you’re a bit of a shit in your life, that’s what you’ll be remembered for. If I’m only remembered for Punka, then I don’t mind that. Asking big questions like this is all good but it’s the little things you do which make bigger ripples in life which affects other people. Not being a dick is what I’m here for. I’m just trying to put a bit of positivity out.
After talking through all of this, what have you learnt about yourself or your life? What do you feel the need to reflect on?
I’ve learnt that I talk a lot. I love a natter. I’ve got a long way to go in the way I see myself in terms of my confidence in myself and my abilities. That’s my problem. This week has been a really good example. In my interview, I outlined my strengths and weaknesses. My weakness is that I can do whatever I put my mind to – anyone can – but the problem is my brain letting me do it. It’s that imposter syndrome. I’ve been at Punka and you have been like “look at this! You have created this!” but I can’t cope. It’s like something else happens. [Ed: “But it’s not because you have made that happen!”] Yeah, I know but my brain won’t let me think that! In the last year of Punka, I started getting up at the end of the show to say a few words and that has helped with a lot of confidence. That has spiralled into me being confident enough to do a music show and go live on Twitch which then gave me confidence to do a YouTube channel. I work on my confidence with all of these things but it doesn’t stop it from being a thing.
” I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!” “
After Stu’s open and honest introduction, we decided to focus on his passion project and career path. It was so uplifting to discuss music, nightlife and events through a queer lens. Stu discussed his aversion to pop music, what transparency means to him and where he wants to take Punka in the future.
This is Stu’s middle eight (a personal favourite) and we really start to unpick what it means to be a human.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What does a regular day in Stu’s mind look like?
Skatty. In my mind, I do struggle to get to a time where I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’ll do one or two things on my list of ten and think “oh I’ve achieved something so I’m okay” and then things build up. The world of TV is made for people who leave their dissertation to the night before and I am not one of those people. I don’t like the stress so I will tackle things as much as I can but I am also a bit of a procrastinator. A typical day in mind is just to get something done; just do something. Even if you only get one thing today, it’s something you don’t have to do tomorrow. That is my brain in a nutshell.
What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?
A fairly big part considering that me and Alessio have been pretty inseparable for the last 3 years. We rely on each other for a lot of things and I do really value his opinion. I just like spending time with him. This is the first proper relationship I have had. I’ve dated a lot and I’ve had 3 month things where I’ve realised the right things aren’t going on. But this is the one where it went bang and I knew. This is what I want. He moved here within 6 months of us knowing each other and we have lived together ever since. We very seldom argue about anything and if it is an argument, it’s about something small like what’s on TV. We are boring people who don’t row. I love the fact that every day he does something new which makes me laugh. That is fucking precious. It’s absolute gold. If some motherfucker can’t make me laugh then I don’t want to live with them. I feel like I’ve got a weird relationship in that sense because a lot of people who have met him don’t see that side of his humour as much. They don’t know him as well as they could and I think they would find out that he is ridiculously funny. Such a dry, British sense of humour which sometimes might come off as abrasive if people don’t know him but sometimes I quite like that. People don’t know him like I do. They don’t know we have really fucked up humour. We watch trashy TV, like Hoarders, and if we see a trailer about someone shitting in a bag and keeping it then we can’t wait! Relationships play a big part for me but I can only say I have been all in on this one.
What aspect of friendship do you value most?
Transparency. I say that instead of honesty because that feels easy. I like people who are able to turn around to me and say “I can’t come to your show because I am having a bad day” or “I’ve got the shits”. That transparency and honesty, I like that. There are people who will say “I will never turn up to your gigs” and I appreciate that. There are shady people who are my friends but have unfollowed me on Facebook so they don’t hear about my shit and don’t get invites. But there are people who don’t like the music but will share the event. If I get the transparency, and I know they are who they say they are and are honest with themselves, even if they don’t text back, then it’s something I accept because I don’t know the rest of their lives.
What do you do to make a positive impact on those/the world around you?
I guess this is a Punka thing for me. Even if my only legacy is creating this little club night, even if it’s only for a while and doesn’t go to other cities, I will know that I have given people a period of time where they felt like they were enjoying themselves and they were seen. I hope they understood what I was trying to do. I help as many charities as I can with the money from Punka. And I can proudly say I do pay my bands well. I have been called by a national promoter who said I was an “anomaly” [direct quote] in the sense that I pay all of my acts really well: from opening acts to headliner. I make sure everyone is paid well. That’s probably why they come back. I don’t tend to chase people because they come to me. If anything, I am hoping my impact will be that you can be a gig promoter and, maybe not make as much money for you but, still help others. It doesn’t have to be paying them in exposure because you can’t pay for petrol with exposure. Creating a little corner of the queer scene in Bristol is what I wanted.
What do you do to stay motivated?
Not a lot. At the minute, it’s quite difficult. When we weren’t in the end times, it was thing like my hobbies: “Button Mash” at Kongs or “Punka”. It was having something to work for. Each one has its own mini marketing campaign in my head. Having that motivates me to think “oh shit, you’ve got this thing which you need to do well. You need to sell tickets for it and you need to do this” and that reminds me that I have stuff to get on with. That can ultimately motivate me to do other things. There’s an end goal for certain things and that end goal is each event.
What was the deciding factor to get into gig promoting?
In the vein of me wanting to be seen and heard, which is a massive part of my personality, one of the reasons why we created Punka is because I felt there wasn’t much of an alternative queer scene. There were little rumblings of things – like “Pyschodrama” and Claire’s “Wig in a Box” – but there wasn’t anywhere where I could see people going to queer gigs or just having indie nights. I felt like I wasn’t being seen that much. I could go on a night out and hear the same music in every bar. I don’t know what a fucking Ariana Grande song sounds like! Well it sounds like everything else… As much as every kind of music has its place, I don’t have an affinity with pop music. I find it superficial. People have deep connections with every kind of music but I find pop music very surface level and superficial and that’s why I wanted something more. When we created it [Punka], it was a way of me finding a place where I could go. I would go to gigs like Skunk Anansie or Placebo, see loads of queer people there and then see them on a night out awkwardly dancing to Gina G in the bear bar. I would see them and think “we don’t belong here”. There was no place for queer women because everything is geared towards to cis gay men. We are the main demographic. It’s weird because we are not as acceptable as queer women on TV. In terms of representation, lesbians seem to be a bit more palatable for some people. But somehow everything gets geared towards us [cis gay men]. I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!”. It was more a case of making something that a lot of people would enjoy, having a little bit about the performance side of things but also creating a safe space for people to feel understood and have a platform. A lot of queer punk bands find it hard to find gigs where they are not just the opening band for representation. It’s a lot of box ticking and I didn’t want that.
How does your Punka link to your personal life? How do you think it affects your sense of accomplishment day to day?
Can you repeat the question? I don’t want to go on! In terms of it affecting my day to day life it does in a sense that I have things to work towards. I am a people pleaser. I really am. It’s hard for me to say because it’s a phrase that has negative connotations to it. A bit like the word “selfish”. I can use that for me and think “yeah, I am selfish. I don’t want kids. I want to keep my stuff going”. I like doing the things I like and there is nothing wrong with that. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing and being a people pleaser isn’t either. I don’t do it to the detriment of me but I like to be active in certain groups and post things which people interact with. That gives me an endorphin hit. I like when people interact with the Punka page every so often. I could throw out 5 music videos in one day and there will be one which someone responds to and if carries on into this huge conversation. I find that great because it’s given someone a lift that day. That is my people pleasing mind taking over. I think “this is the thing you like to do”. In terms of the logistics though, I was always planning things for Punka: sort the DJ, buy t-shirts to sell. It was something which became a pet project. There was always something to pick me up and feel a lot better after a shit day at work. There was something on the horizon. Knowing I was doing a club night on Friday kept me going. I just thought “everything is sweet but I have to get to that point”. There is a part of my brain, though, which doesn’t feel any confidence in what I do. Even though it’s got quite a lot of followers and has a good reputation, something tells me “nobody really likes Punka. Nobody takes it seriously.”. This is what my brain does to me. It fucks me up. It wasn’t until this year when I found a box of old Punka t-shirts which I put back out and so many people bought. I made a good chunk of money. People wanted to buy this merch and wear this logo which I scrawled on a scrap piece of paper ages ago. It gave me the biggest boost. It made me think things will be alright after this. It made me book two shows: one I have announced and another in November. I thought “oh shit, take this seriously now and stop being down on yourself.”. My brain is always down on itself. I mess myself up a lot in terms of confidence. But Punka is my baby and is doing really well so I think “maybe I am doing really well too?”
What is your “end goal” in terms of a professional target/life?
My dream end goal, the way I see it if I was some fucking crazy person who trusted other people in other cities, would be for Punka to become a staple of the queer scene. I would want it to be a name that people would trust. I want to do an indie/rock club night for queer people that mainly plays female fronted indie or rock. All the things which are underrepresented. I would want one in every city. It would be a queer Ramshackle. That would be the dream if I trusted other people to not fuck it up! I would love to take a Punka line up to other cities. Maybe I would take a band, a couple of burlesque artists and some drag queens to another city and say “this is what’s going on in Bristol. How are you guys doing?”. We could work with another drag house in another city or a band that is doing well there. We could make it a Punka night which would move there.
HOW TO BE; 