After meaningful conversations with friends, I always come always feeling inspired; reflective and motivated. The same can be said for this blog. I get to listen back to the interviews, relive the memories, pick apart what people have said and ask the whole world to celebrate them with me. Once each post has gone live, I am thrilled that more people get to read about these incredible people and get a glimpse into what makes them human.
I invite you all into an open letter to each of my guests after their final blog has been posted. I want to outline what their slices of honesty mean to me and how they better help me to understand people. If nothing else, see this as a bookmark in their story.
Dear Stu,
It means the world to me that you would open up so honestly about the challenges you have faced in your life and then let them be shared for the world to see. I truly believe that the things you have spoken about have helped people already and that can only continue with more of these conversations.
As I said before, I have never really had a chance to connect with you on this level until now and this whole conversation felt genuine, respected and important: like reciprocal therapy. We both see things through a queer lens (well, moreso than the heterosexuals we are friends with) but your perspective is so strong and sure of itself – like you. I know you struggle with your confidence but, when listening to you discuss your passions and life, it’s clear that you want to be seen and heard and you definitely are. The way you support, encourage, empower and celebrate our community is nothing short of inspirational and I am learning to use my voice more to be heard. That is something you have taught me so thank you.
You have an unapologetic love for people and things which are important to you and you are not afraid to show your interest and support through any medium. From hearing about your history with your dad and your sexuality, it would be so easy to hold on to so much shame in your adult life but you have this sense of shamelessness (in the very best way) which allows people in. Your interests and intentions are clear, you wear your heart on your sleeve and you want to challenge others around you to better understand you and themselves. That takes real bravery and resilience, things you are well equipped with. You have turned these negative experiences into positive traits and that is something hard to teach but I am learning, alongside you.
Punka is a concrete legacy you will leave behind: not least the actual nights you have organised but the community that comes attached to it. You have made a safe space for us queer weirdos (queerdos?) and I only hope that one day you will recognise the importance of that. I wholeheartedly understand this imposter syndrome that you struggle with, I think we all do, but I like to think to that after reading through these interviews, you will see just how humble, gracious, loved and important you are. My respect for you continues to grow every day, especially after you let me into these nooks and crannies of your life.
We will continue to solider through this weird life together: as queer people, as lovers of Italian men and as friends.
You, of all people, know what it means to be; Stu.
” I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!” “
After Stu’s open and honest introduction, we decided to focus on his passion project and career path. It was so uplifting to discuss music, nightlife and events through a queer lens. Stu discussed his aversion to pop music, what transparency means to him and where he wants to take Punka in the future.
This is Stu’s middle eight (a personal favourite) and we really start to unpick what it means to be a human.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
What does a regular day in Stu’s mind look like?
Skatty. In my mind, I do struggle to get to a time where I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’ll do one or two things on my list of ten and think “oh I’ve achieved something so I’m okay” and then things build up. The world of TV is made for people who leave their dissertation to the night before and I am not one of those people. I don’t like the stress so I will tackle things as much as I can but I am also a bit of a procrastinator. A typical day in mind is just to get something done; just do something. Even if you only get one thing today, it’s something you don’t have to do tomorrow. That is my brain in a nutshell.
What part do relationships and love play in your daily life?
A fairly big part considering that me and Alessio have been pretty inseparable for the last 3 years. We rely on each other for a lot of things and I do really value his opinion. I just like spending time with him. This is the first proper relationship I have had. I’ve dated a lot and I’ve had 3 month things where I’ve realised the right things aren’t going on. But this is the one where it went bang and I knew. This is what I want. He moved here within 6 months of us knowing each other and we have lived together ever since. We very seldom argue about anything and if it is an argument, it’s about something small like what’s on TV. We are boring people who don’t row. I love the fact that every day he does something new which makes me laugh. That is fucking precious. It’s absolute gold. If some motherfucker can’t make me laugh then I don’t want to live with them. I feel like I’ve got a weird relationship in that sense because a lot of people who have met him don’t see that side of his humour as much. They don’t know him as well as they could and I think they would find out that he is ridiculously funny. Such a dry, British sense of humour which sometimes might come off as abrasive if people don’t know him but sometimes I quite like that. People don’t know him like I do. They don’t know we have really fucked up humour. We watch trashy TV, like Hoarders, and if we see a trailer about someone shitting in a bag and keeping it then we can’t wait! Relationships play a big part for me but I can only say I have been all in on this one.
What aspect of friendship do you value most?
Transparency. I say that instead of honesty because that feels easy. I like people who are able to turn around to me and say “I can’t come to your show because I am having a bad day” or “I’ve got the shits”. That transparency and honesty, I like that. There are people who will say “I will never turn up to your gigs” and I appreciate that. There are shady people who are my friends but have unfollowed me on Facebook so they don’t hear about my shit and don’t get invites. But there are people who don’t like the music but will share the event. If I get the transparency, and I know they are who they say they are and are honest with themselves, even if they don’t text back, then it’s something I accept because I don’t know the rest of their lives.
What do you do to make a positive impact on those/the world around you?
I guess this is a Punka thing for me. Even if my only legacy is creating this little club night, even if it’s only for a while and doesn’t go to other cities, I will know that I have given people a period of time where they felt like they were enjoying themselves and they were seen. I hope they understood what I was trying to do. I help as many charities as I can with the money from Punka. And I can proudly say I do pay my bands well. I have been called by a national promoter who said I was an “anomaly” [direct quote] in the sense that I pay all of my acts really well: from opening acts to headliner. I make sure everyone is paid well. That’s probably why they come back. I don’t tend to chase people because they come to me. If anything, I am hoping my impact will be that you can be a gig promoter and, maybe not make as much money for you but, still help others. It doesn’t have to be paying them in exposure because you can’t pay for petrol with exposure. Creating a little corner of the queer scene in Bristol is what I wanted.
What do you do to stay motivated?
Not a lot. At the minute, it’s quite difficult. When we weren’t in the end times, it was thing like my hobbies: “Button Mash” at Kongs or “Punka”. It was having something to work for. Each one has its own mini marketing campaign in my head. Having that motivates me to think “oh shit, you’ve got this thing which you need to do well. You need to sell tickets for it and you need to do this” and that reminds me that I have stuff to get on with. That can ultimately motivate me to do other things. There’s an end goal for certain things and that end goal is each event.
What was the deciding factor to get into gig promoting?
In the vein of me wanting to be seen and heard, which is a massive part of my personality, one of the reasons why we created Punka is because I felt there wasn’t much of an alternative queer scene. There were little rumblings of things – like “Pyschodrama” and Claire’s “Wig in a Box” – but there wasn’t anywhere where I could see people going to queer gigs or just having indie nights. I felt like I wasn’t being seen that much. I could go on a night out and hear the same music in every bar. I don’t know what a fucking Ariana Grande song sounds like! Well it sounds like everything else… As much as every kind of music has its place, I don’t have an affinity with pop music. I find it superficial. People have deep connections with every kind of music but I find pop music very surface level and superficial and that’s why I wanted something more. When we created it [Punka], it was a way of me finding a place where I could go. I would go to gigs like Skunk Anansie or Placebo, see loads of queer people there and then see them on a night out awkwardly dancing to Gina G in the bear bar. I would see them and think “we don’t belong here”. There was no place for queer women because everything is geared towards to cis gay men. We are the main demographic. It’s weird because we are not as acceptable as queer women on TV. In terms of representation, lesbians seem to be a bit more palatable for some people. But somehow everything gets geared towards us [cis gay men]. I wanted a place where queer women could turn up and think “oh shit, this is for me. And also they are playing shit I listen to!”. It was more a case of making something that a lot of people would enjoy, having a little bit about the performance side of things but also creating a safe space for people to feel understood and have a platform. A lot of queer punk bands find it hard to find gigs where they are not just the opening band for representation. It’s a lot of box ticking and I didn’t want that.
How does your Punka link to your personal life? How do you think it affects your sense of accomplishment day to day?
Can you repeat the question? I don’t want to go on! In terms of it affecting my day to day life it does in a sense that I have things to work towards. I am a people pleaser. I really am. It’s hard for me to say because it’s a phrase that has negative connotations to it. A bit like the word “selfish”. I can use that for me and think “yeah, I am selfish. I don’t want kids. I want to keep my stuff going”. I like doing the things I like and there is nothing wrong with that. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing and being a people pleaser isn’t either. I don’t do it to the detriment of me but I like to be active in certain groups and post things which people interact with. That gives me an endorphin hit. I like when people interact with the Punka page every so often. I could throw out 5 music videos in one day and there will be one which someone responds to and if carries on into this huge conversation. I find that great because it’s given someone a lift that day. That is my people pleasing mind taking over. I think “this is the thing you like to do”. In terms of the logistics though, I was always planning things for Punka: sort the DJ, buy t-shirts to sell. It was something which became a pet project. There was always something to pick me up and feel a lot better after a shit day at work. There was something on the horizon. Knowing I was doing a club night on Friday kept me going. I just thought “everything is sweet but I have to get to that point”. There is a part of my brain, though, which doesn’t feel any confidence in what I do. Even though it’s got quite a lot of followers and has a good reputation, something tells me “nobody really likes Punka. Nobody takes it seriously.”. This is what my brain does to me. It fucks me up. It wasn’t until this year when I found a box of old Punka t-shirts which I put back out and so many people bought. I made a good chunk of money. People wanted to buy this merch and wear this logo which I scrawled on a scrap piece of paper ages ago. It gave me the biggest boost. It made me think things will be alright after this. It made me book two shows: one I have announced and another in November. I thought “oh shit, take this seriously now and stop being down on yourself.”. My brain is always down on itself. I mess myself up a lot in terms of confidence. But Punka is my baby and is doing really well so I think “maybe I am doing really well too?”
What is your “end goal” in terms of a professional target/life?
My dream end goal, the way I see it if I was some fucking crazy person who trusted other people in other cities, would be for Punka to become a staple of the queer scene. I would want it to be a name that people would trust. I want to do an indie/rock club night for queer people that mainly plays female fronted indie or rock. All the things which are underrepresented. I would want one in every city. It would be a queer Ramshackle. That would be the dream if I trusted other people to not fuck it up! I would love to take a Punka line up to other cities. Maybe I would take a band, a couple of burlesque artists and some drag queens to another city and say “this is what’s going on in Bristol. How are you guys doing?”. We could work with another drag house in another city or a band that is doing well there. We could make it a Punka night which would move there.
“I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see each other anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality.”
There was a huge hail storm which interrupted my chat with Stu a few weekends ago but that didn’t stop us from tackling the big subjects. I have never really had the chance to connect with him on this level so it was an absolute joy to talk through all things queer, fantastic, dark, hopeful and hereditary. In this first interview, Stu takes us through his family history, not being accepted for his homosexuality as well as just how much love he has for his partner (and cat).
These are the first 8 of 25 questions I asked Stu and we get straight into the nitty gritty of life.
Stu’s pronouns are “he/him”.
Before we start, let’s get to know you in 30 seconds.
Stu. Almost 40. Massive nerd. Bald. Been bald since I was 20. Mentally ill. Yay! Always wanted to be something but don’t think I ever will be. I’m a gig promoter and I run a club night in my spare time for my sins. I’m a big, massive queer.
What has your experience with COVID been like?
Oh this is going to be really short. It’s been great. I’m incredibly lucky to have Alessio [partner] and I cannot say that enough. As two people who suffer from mental health issues, when one is down the other one supports. The fact that we are so similar in terms of our interests means that we can sit down and complete a video game together or watch a whole series of something. I think we have completed horror. Every night without fail we would put the projector on and trawl through. I know there are a lot of people who are having a bad time and really suffering. I do miss my friends. I haven’t seen my mum and my auntie since August which is tough. He [Alessio] hasn’t seen him family since August and that’s even tougher because they are in another fucking country. I’m really lucky in the sense that we respect each other’s space. He can go into the room and play switch and I will go to find him later because I am super needy. When I got made redundant, there was no point where he felt like he really had to push me to get a job. It made me feel so much better because, even though I was fucking stressed out, I do feel like I have landed on my feet with this one. He is ridiculously supportive. I also realised something the other day when someone wrote on one of my statuses saying they felt guilty because some people were being really prolific in this lockdown. Loads of my friends have created businesses but I just wanted to get through it. I just wanted to survive. Maybe I needed this time to just chill out. I don’t want people to feel bad that other people are being prolific now because maybe we were entertaining them whilst they were sitting on their asses before all of this happened. Maybe it’s their fucking turn [laughs]. I don’t feel like I’ve had too bad a time.
Reflect on your mental/physical health. Do you look after yourself enough? What methods do you practice to ensure you’re well?
HA! Physical health, I’m currently a blancmange trying to fit into a pair of slacks. I’ve always had a weird thing where I don’t want to rave about body positivity because I’m not always particularly proud of my physicality. I have to say being the size I am is incredibly difficult to find clothes which makes me feel like a bag of shit. However, I don’t let it stop me from doing things I want to do. I don’t think my size impacts my confidence too much when I have things to say. I don’t look after myself physically too much but I do like to eat relatively well. My problem is that I eat really healthy but I don’t exercise so I get really fat. Mental health wise I try to take care of myself much more. I have suffered from depression since my early teens and it comes in waves. I got to my worst at 17 – my parents were splitting up which was a whole thing. I was really messed up and in a dark place. Ever since then, it’s felt weird that nothing has ever got to that point again. Whenever it comes, it’s always like aftershocks. Little ripples. It’s not as bad as it has been before but it’s bad enough for me to recognise it. The good thing is I can recognise when my mental health is suffering and I do try to combat it. Usually company helps with me so just having someone to chat to or just sit down and watch a film with helps. I do try and look after myself in a way that I don’t overrun myself with the things to do which I know I won’t achieve without stressing myself out. Also, I feel I’m in a place where I can identify when things are going tits up, I can talk about that with people. I either can or can’t explain what is happening in that moment but I can say “I’m having a bad time mentally and I need to do this or this to feel right again”. I feel lucky in the sense that I have never had to medicate myself. I’ve had brushes with suicide in my teens and I never want it to get that bad again so I am not opposed to medication but I feel lucky I’ve never have had to have done it. Overall, I think I look after others moreso than myself in some respects but I know when I have reached my limit so that’s when everyone else can fuck off basically!
Do you consider yourself to have a solid support network?
I think I’m still making massive errors of judgement in people. I’m still making mistakes in terms of how close to keep them. I’ve got such a good support network of people and strangely that has come from Punka [Stu’s queer night which he runs]. The people which are the closest to me are the performers and promoters. It’s weird to think of that. I have become more than a person who has hired them: more than a boss. You want them to do well and you want to support and represent them because they are representing you. In some cases, it’s gone way beyond that. These friends are some of the only people I have seen in lockdown. I have friends of 20 years who haven’t text me since lockdown started. It feels like with these Punka friends, we are all in the same boat. You all understand what you’re trying to do and what you want to do. When you find out you have things in common then you work on that friendship. I have a good support group but it’s something which has only happened in the last 3 years.
What type of relationship did you have with your family whilst growing up?
I’m from a family who are quite big on my mum’s side and on my dad’s side – not so much. I don’t know either side very well. My nan was the oldest of 11 kids so there were a lot of aunties and uncles. Every year for the past 40 years, they have spelt my name wrong. The cards are either formula 1, football or golf. That shows how much I don’t know my family. I’m very similar to my mum because she is really nerdy. She has a decent sense of humour and a very short fuse. The older I get, the more I respect that because she doesn’t suffer fools. The older she gets, the more she is calming down so people are walking over her which is frustrating. In my teenage years, we butted heads a lot but now we are really close. She is the best. Super supportive. I was always the weird kid: like most of us queers, you feel like something is wrong. I grew up in the 80s in a small town and didn’t know what gay was. The problem was my dad wanted me to be like him. A lot of parents think you are going to have a carbon copy of yourself. What they don’t understand is that your kid is a sum of those parts but it’s essentially a completely new being: it might not be like either of you. My dad realised I was not like anything he had come across before. I was always drawing and reading comic books. My mum was like a crack dealer for comics. If I ever did well in school or did chores, she would put in a comic in our little cupboard. She used to nurture this thing I loved about art and drawing. She knew that’s what I was into. My dad was like “why the fuck aren’t you playing football?”. They grew apart quite quickly and the problem is the fact that I would have been the youngest of three: my mum had two miscarriages and almost lost me. That created a big rift. I am “technically” the youngest child and we know that the youngest child is the gay one. Unfortunately [Ed: “not unforunately, we are fucking great.”] they ended up with the gay one. My dad didn’t like that and wasn’t on board with a lot of what I was into. I was in college before they split up and I did my final show where I turned an area into my own exhibition. I made a website of my work, like a rudimentary website from the 90s, and I was super proud of it. My mum saw it and was like “not even because you are my son but you have smashed this” but my dad saw everyone crowded around it, shook his head and walked out. In the end, we left and my mum said “me and your dad fell out because he was watching some lads playing football and asked why you weren’t doing that instead.” He wasn’t a fan, he just didn’t get it. It turned out that he was the first person I came out to. I wanted him on board and wanted his approval. After they split up, we went to the cinema to watch “The Faculty” and I really enjoyed it. He was fidgeting the whole way through so I knew he didn’t. He used to say “pie in the sky” which was his term for bullshit. It was bullshit to him. I stupidly said “we don’t have a lot in common, do we?”. And he said “no, you’re not the son I wanted.” He listed off loads of things to do with the things I was into and how he didn’t understand them. He told me “you’re too emotional, I feel like I’m raising a poof” and I told him he was. He dismissed it all, saying the break up was too stressful. He told me not to tell my friends because they wouldn’t want to see me anymore and said that neither did he. I didn’t get upset. I was in shock. I remember getting out of the car agreeing not to see eachother anymore. I went to the back of mum’s house and I remember something in my brain switched off. It was my sexuality. I knew I was gay but I was going to play it straight for a while because that’s what I was meant to do. That led to me faking that I was into women but almost coming off as asexual for years. I didn’t come out until I was 33 because of it. You just lock it away. If my dad can’t even take this, what now? I have not seen him since that day. I haven’t seen him since 1999. My mum was invited to a funeral from my dad’s side recently and she went. It took her 15 minutes of watching this old man to realise it was my dad. She could not recognise him. The years hadn’t been kind to him and maybe that was the bitterness? It’s been a weird road of figuring out those past traumas that can do things to your brain. I wouldn’t say it’s messed me up in any other way than my sexuality. It taught me a massive lesson about people and the names that we give to people. Just because someone is your dad doesn’t mean they can’t be a piece of shit. They can still disappoint you and they don’t have to be in your life. If they are toxic and do things to mess you up, you don’t need to keep them around just because you are related to them. It made me realise that family isn’t always who you are related to because of blood. It helped me when I came out because I could create a chosen family and I am just as close if not closer to people who I have just met and who have had the same situation as me. You go through that separately and the trauma can help you grow together. I am much richer in terms of family because I don’t limit it to who I am related to.
Where do you find daily inspiration?
I would say new music. I tend to get sent a lot of music because of what I do and it’s nice that people have found me quite trusting in that sense. They will send me the mastered version of their EP before it’s released. That makes me realise I can reach out to other people and be inspired by what they are doing too. Music is a massive inspiration for me. Music inspires me to do other stuff. Like a song will make me want to make a poster or start a playlist or create a YouTube video. Hearing one song can mess me up for months!
What do you do for a living? Is it your passion/something you really enjoy?
Firstly, what I do now for a living I’ve only been doing for a week. I’ve just started as a claims handler for DPD. It’s not what I want to do but I’ve slowly come to realise that that isn’t always the best thing. Whereas before, I was on furlough and working in TV. I had been working in TV for 5 years. I had always wanted to do that. I’ve got a degree in film and I got several jobs when I finished uni which weren’t to do with TV. My brain and my confidence didn’t let me go for it. Then when I got into TV, I realised it wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted to do. It’s a weird industry. It’s very much “who you know” and it’s a really strange place to go if you’re looking to get ahead without stepping on people. I’m not a fan of that. It turned into a bittersweet thing about being in the industry you like but deep down inside you know it’s not the one. I realised though that your job doesn’t have to be fulfilling and you can do stuff you care about outside of work.
What do you think is the first thing people notice/think about you?
Bald. BALD! Fat and bald. That’s about it. I don’t feel like I’m particularly remarkable in the way I look. In terms of my personality, I find that people feel I’m quite disarming. When I worked in films, I was a runner and whenever we had high profile clients coming in, my boss would get me to go in there. He always knew I was unflappable and wouldn’t get flustered or make a tit of myself. I would be reasonably professional if they wanted a chat and wouldn’t make it awkward. I knew how to handle the situation. The younger runners might have tried it on to get contacts and being all *jazz hands*. Even though I don’t like being the centre of attention, I do like being heard and seen. Disarming in that way.
What is the biggest hardship you faced in your life?
I don’t feel like I’ve had a particularly tough life. I know we didn’t have a lot of money when we were younger and we gave up a lot to give my dad his dream. That time was tough. The hardest bit came when my parents separated and I realised I couldn’t go to uni. I got into a course and got a job in Virgin Megastore in Nuneaton and had to start again. Me and my mum had no money. That monetary hardship was the worst. Having to build yourself up from ground level. There was a shame in going to college and not being able to afford the dinners and having to use your loan smartly. In terms of emotional hardships, anything before me coming out I found weirdly tough. Just because I knew I wasn’t being my genuine self.
HOW TO BE; 